Regular, ol' ME

I used to consider myself a Type A personality. Or a "red" on the color coded personality test. But, ever since 01/01/10 came and went and I realized that I am completely fine with not setting any New Year's resolutions, I have determined once and for all that I am not really that driven. I'm not an overachiever. . .I am very content to be mediocre.

My oldest sister just started Graduate school in Marriage and Family Therapy online this semester. Yes, the same sister who has 7 children, two of which are adopted from Africa, whose husband just returned from a year in Afghanistan, and who is working on moving to Korea. No one is driven, like this woman is driven.

And then there is my younger sister who lived in Russia for a year, speaks fluent Russian, finished her Bachelor's and started graduate school all while she was pregnant and now continues her schooling with baby in tow. Yep, she's amazing too.

But, I don't feel jealous of them at all. Marriage and Family Therapy is even where my career path was heading before I dropped out of school, and yet it doesn't even spark anything in me at all. I am close to finishing my Bachelor's degree and yet I still have not felt that it was right for me to try to finish. I am not driven at all, at least not right now, to finish my degree.

I may be the least driven Top sister, but I don't think I'm lazy or unmotivated, I'm just not necessarily the type of personality who is always doing something--training for a triathlon, writing a novel, going to Grad school, being PTA president, starting a business, etc. etc.

I'm quite content in being ordinary. I kind of like still living in the same town, merely blocks from my parents, and staying at home with my children, and being my husband's wife, and occasionally I get ambitious enough to redecorate a room, but I'm pretty simple.

The up side of being very ordinary is that I don't have any major problems or drama either. I may not have an exciting life, but I do sometimes feel like my life is charmed. I have great parents and siblings, and I have a great husband and kids. (I even like my in-laws.) I am healthy, my kids are healthy, my husband has a job, we have what we need, and we're happy. In fact, my problems are so few that I get to expend way too much energy on problems like, "my nose is too big", "my house is too small", "I wonder if that person likes me", and other such trivial things.

I wish I could do all of my learning and growing without any pain, trials, and tragedy, but I'm beginning to wonder if, perhaps, in some ways people with pretty big burdens to bear are ultimately, in the eternal sense, better off than I am. If in their need they have come to know the Lord in ways I can't even comprehend.

I guess there's nothing wrong with being ordinary, with being content to be just a Mom, or just a wife, unless it is keeping me from having the EXTRAORDINARY testimony I desire. I want to be more driven, at least insofar as it pushes me to dig a little deeper, to "lengthen my stride", to serve more, to love more, to reach outside of myself more, to have a desire to learn more, and ultimately to turn to the Lord more.

So, I guess I do have a New Year's resolution after all. I mean, but only because I happened to have this epiphany while it is still January. So, my new motto is "Dig a little deeper." I want to dig deeper in everything--my study of the scriptures, my prayers, my service to others, my friendships, politics, my relationships with my children, and the list could go on. It applies to anything. I want to do more and become more.

I am too complaisant and too comfortable in my own complaisance. So, it's time for me to get a little more driven. I want to find my passion, my talents, and ultimately, hopefully my potential.

The Comeback of a Washed-up Dancing Queen!

(**The washed-up dancing queen I am talking about is me, not any of these beautiful ladies.)

Well, any of you who knew me in my past life, before I was "mommy", know that I LOVE to dance. Love, love, love it! In my single days, before my car accident, it was not unusual for me to go at least once a week to a dance club, sometimes more. I went to every Ricks college stag dance while I was there. I went to dances at UVSC, occasionally BYU dances (although those were probably the lamest of the college dances I went to), and LDS young single adult dances in Salt Lake. ANY dance I could find!

I have missed dancing for so many years now. I love how it makes me feel! And ever since I dressed up as Michael Jackson for Halloween, I've been craving it more than ever. So, I took matters into my own hands and decided to plan a dance for New Year's Eve.

We never do anything fun for New Year's. My husband hates crowds, parties, and people in general, so that limits our options. But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. So I said to heck with Michael, I was throwing a party--a dance party!

I booked our local stake center, invited all the families in my ward (except the old people), and with the help of a few great people, planned a family-friendly dance party. In half of the gym I set up activities for kids--ring toss, bean bag throw, sock basketball, and Twister. There was also a movie room for sleepy kids. We set up some tables for adults to play games (because several people, mostly the husbands, complained that they wouldn't come to the party if they were forced to dance.) On the other half of the floor I set-up a dance floor, complete with a $20 disco light and great sound equipment (provided by my great neighbor.) It was fabulous! I got to dance, dance, dance, dance until I think I got shin splints. It was so great! Because, at the end of the day, the reason I planned the entire party was so that I could dance. . .but, I knew it would be more fun dancing with good friends!

A lot of the kids had a great time dancing, at least until they got too tired and cranky. The 10/11 year old girls were particularly fun! But, it was one 10 year old boy that danced all night who really cracked me up. Dancing with kids is so much more fun, because you don't even care if you look like a total dork! And believe me, I was dancing, care-free, in full dorkitude all night! I loved it!

Even most of the people who preferred games to dancing, at least danced a little on the slow songs. Everyone who came to the party were such good sports. The kids did really well, at least until about 10:30pm.

Most of the partyers cleared out by 11pm because of tired, cranky kids who had reached their limit. But, lucky for me my kids weren't there, so I got to keep on dancing! A few of my favorite ladies (pictured at top) danced with me all night until 12AM. That was the best New Year's eve I've had in a decade.

If New Year's is any indication on the coming year. . .then, 2010 is going to be fabulous. Although, I do think the party unleashed the dormant dance beast inside me. . .and I'm looking for my next opportunity to DANCE!!!

Blogworthy!

My last month has been amazing! The worst part of my last month was having my computer "in the shop" for most of it. Ridiculous, really. I can write an entire blog post about nothing, just a babbling stream of my own consciousness, and the one month that I actually have lots of stuff going on, I couldn't even blog about it. Argh.

Well, I'm kind of still recovering from all the excitement of the holidays (particularly my New Year's party) and just barely put away my Christmas decorations today. I should be in bed, but before it all gets too old and stale and I lose my desire to document all the '09 holiday happenings, I will give a recap as quickly as a long-winded person such as myself can do.

Christmas season begins: Around December 6th or so I put up the Christmas tree and the Christmas train. (The train only lasted about 3 days before it drove me so stinking crazy repairing the track constantly and tripping over the train cars that had been strewn about the house, that I took it down probably never to return.)

Season gets swingin':

Went to a "Festivus party", where I wore not only an ugly Christmas sweater. . .(which, by the way, I am so proud to say that I made myself with iron-on letters, puff paint, and random Christmas decorations), but also went for full-on 80's ensemble. I got the denim skirt from my 14 year old babysitter, and wore my leggings (that I actually love, usually.) This is proof that leggings CAN go terribly wrong and take a turn towards "hooker" if not worn sensibly. :)

Christmas Staple: Lights at Temple Square

I only go to the lights about once every 3-5 years, so it's not really a tradition for me. But, since my sister lives in SLC and since my boys are old enough to (sort of) appreciate it I went this year. My parents came too which was fun. But, we all were so stinkin' cold that we remembered why it isn't a tradition for us.

Christmas Eve:

Sorry, grandpa, my boys were not fooled. . .but they loved it nonetheless! I was also particularly thrilled with the fact that we did NOT have Turkey for Christmas eve dinner. I vote that Samantha's delicious Chicken Parmigiana becomes a new Grimsley Christmas tradition!

Christmas Day:

I do need to quickly give a shout out to Dave Ramsey who taught us to plan and budget all year for Christmas. So, this Christmas was fabulous because we all got spoiled without any guilt! ( It also really helps that my kids have generous grandparents who helped spoil them.)

New Tradition:

Mike made the Top Family (those few of us who are left in Utah) a HUGE southern-style breakfast Christmas morning. It was definitely Mike's favorite Christmas party. We'd like to make it a new tradition (except maybe when Jess and her 7 kids are in town for Christmas.;)

Classic Tradition revisited:

When I was growing up my Dad always bought us kids BYU shirts for Christmas. So, it was fun that he revived the tradition this year by getting BYU shirts for my kids. Maybe now that Janey came back from the dark side (U of U) to be a grad student at BYU, her son will also be included. :)

There is so much still to blog about. This past month was so amazing. My Christmas season was enhanced so much more by a few beautiful experiences that reminded me of the love of my Savior Jesus Christ and our true "reason for the season." One was a funeral and one was a temple sealing, and although they are so very different they were both beautiful reminders of all that our Savior has done for us. (A paragraph can not do them justice, I would love to expound more on those experiences at a later date.) Those experiences helped make this one of the most meaningful and joyous Christmases of my entire life. I feel grateful--no, more than that--utterly ecstatic to my core that I can be with my family forever abounding in the perfect love of my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. The gift of eternal life is, in a literal sense, the truest, best gift of Christmas.

Photo Shoot

I know it's risky handing over my camera to my children, but sometimes I let them take pictures around the house. I do trust my 5 year old enough to let him take an occasional shot (as long as it is indoors, away from any water sources) and I let my 3 year old also have a turn, mostly so that he will stop screaming "It's not fair" after I let his older brother have a turn.
So here is some of their work:

Photos by Gavin:

Photos by Nick:

Nick already has his own unique signature--the finger on the left side.

My camera survived, and I think it is kind of cute. However, I did not include the various pictures they took of their bunkbeds, their toys, the street in front of our home, and Gavin's favorite subject--the family pictures on the wall. I guess he figures it's easier to take pictures of pictures of Nick and Ruby, because at least the pictures hold still.

Never too old for Halloween!

I love Halloween! When I was a kid my parents HATED Halloween so much, that we were not allowed to dress up or go trick or treating. Instead we would go out and do an activity together as a family. I have some fond memories with my family, but I have been a little Halloween deprived over the years. In fact, I have probably only dressed up on Halloween a total of 10 times in my life. But, in the last few years I have decided that I LOVE it when adults dress up on Halloween. I have to give big props to the parents who coordinate a whole family theme for costumes. I have decided I want to be a fun Mom who dresses up on Halloween. My kids loved it--even though they had no idea who Michael Jackson was. I loved it, too. ( It gave me a chance to break out some of my moves that haven't seen the light of day in at least 10 years.) So, MJ is my personal favorite costume to date.

Another Halloween classic was when Janey, my little sister, and I dressed up as each other for Halloween.
I was trying to make fun of her and what I dubbed her "Grandpa-chic" style. But, everyone kept telling me all night how cute I looked! Doh! It figures, Janey's always been cuter than me.

Okay so back to Halloween '09. Gavin is Luke Skywalker. This costume was thrown together with things almost entirely from my wardrobe. I'm all about the throw-together, no sewing, no money costumes. (ala, MJ.)

He wanted a picture at every different stage of the light saber's unleashing. This isn't the full light saber glory, but I just love how serious he's taking it!

All the pictures of Super Nick were blurry, because he was so busy posing and "flying" that he wouldn't hold still long enough to get a good picture. This was a borrowed costume, so again, love the $0 pricetag. (Dave Ramsey should be so proud.)

I was going to throw together a flower costume, of sorts for baby girl. But, then found a $6 pink leopard costume Halloween day, and decided it would be less hassle and possibly warmer. I didn't even think to draw a nose or whiskers or anything, but she kept the hat on longer than expected, so it was all good. It won't be long before she wants to be a fairy, or princess, and the costumes will cost more than $6. . .so I decided to slack while I can still get away with it. :)

It has become Halloween tradition that my BFF and I get our kids together and go trick or treating in my old neighborhood (where BFF currently lives, across the street from my parents). Again, blurry pictures. Either my camera was on the wrong setting, or everyone was too excited to hold still.

So Halloween was fun. The trick or treating only lasted for about a block before my two littlest ones burnt out. I wish I would've trick or treated in my own hood (ward boundaries), I love my old neighborhood, but it isn't home to me anymore. Also, I wanted to see more of my friends in costumes. (I hope they all dressed up and felt as dorky, and awesome, as I did.)

What a Difference a Decade Makes

Ten years ago today I was in a life-altering car crash. I was driving home from BYU and was driving through a green light at an intersection and another car coming the opposite direction decided to make a left turn directly into my car. They were old people, so I don't know whether they just didn't see my car, or they had meant to turn much sooner and their reflexes were dangerously slow, because they turned so late that they hit me nearly head-on, and it made my car spin almost 180 degrees in the opposite direction.

I jumped out of the car, very much in shock, because I was running through a very busy highway, trying to tell people that we really needed to move my car out of the way because it was going to back up traffic. I don't remember all the details. I remember crying when they took the old people away in stretchers (even though it wasn't my fault.) I remember having to call my Dad and tell him his car was totaled. Everyone kept asking me if I was okay, because the crash was pretty hairy. But, I felt okay. I was scared half to death, but I didn't feel any pain--yet.

It wasn't until about 3 days later that I really felt the pain. The worst pain I had ever felt in my life (I hadn't been through childbirth at that point). Whiplash kind of has a bad reputation as being a "fake" injury, but it is no joke. The pain was so bad that it made me nauseous, it made me vomit, I had muscle spasms, vertigo, pain on the left side of my body that quite literally went from my head to my toes.

And the pain didn't go away, I tried resting for awhile, I tried physical therapy, chiropractics, and the pain just wouldn't go away. I couldn't sleep well, and I was exhausted all the time. I had to drop out of school--I was starting the program to be a Seminary teacher that semester--I also had to quit my job. Weeks went by and I was still in pain, becoming a pitiful lump of a person, and then months went by. My parents were so annoyed, wanting me to get better, get a job, and move out of the house.

I couldn't do it. There were times when I wanted to die, so I wouldn't be in pain anymore. I became so depressed because no one could see my injuries, no casts, no surgeries, and yet the pain was unbearable. I would try to get a job, and I wouldn't be able to meet the demands of the job, so I would I would have to quit. I felt my dreams slipping away, I lost my hobbies, and I saw a life of chronic pain stretching out before me.

After many months, I started being treated at the University of Utah pain management clinic. No one could fix me, there was no cure so I had to deal with chronic pain. Treatments included physical therapy; epidurrals and "trigger point injections"(which means a course of about 20 shots each week); Psychotherapy for the depression; hypnosis and relaxation therapy, etc., etc. This went on for over a year, and I began learning how to deal with my "illness", I began planning a life around pain.

There were many blessings that also came out of this time in my life. I couldn't pursue my academics or my career path, so instead I worked on my spirituality. I had some amazing spiritual experiences during this time, sometimes they say that physical weakness can make you more sensitive to the things of the spirit, and I also prepared myself to go through the temple. That was perhaps the greatest thing that came out of this time. Not working or going to school allowed time for me to attend the temple once a week. The temple was my greatest source of strength and peace during those times.

Also, I was very humbled. I had always been such a kn0w-it-all, so judgmental, had my college and career path all planned, and I came to realize how little I actually knew about life.

In my personal life, my dating experiences had been mostly negative up to that point. I had begun to become very negative and "bitter", and kind of a man hater. After my accident, I was quite literally softened by my hard times. I was battered to the point that my rough edges were wearing off. I mellowed out, and despite my discouragements became less cynical. Undoubtedly that is what prepared me to meet my now husband. We met about 9 months after my car accident. I was much more loving (no more man-hating) and more loveable.

My husband married me despite my health problems--knowing full well that I might struggle with pain my whole life. That I would probably never hold a full-time job, and that there would be days that I might lie in bed the whole day. Wow--he must have really loved me. For the first year of our marriage, my health actually got much worse and I got sick with other problems.

It wasn't until nearly 3 years after my car accident that I started to be somewhat "normal" again. I began to work part-time at a job I loved. I had tried to return to school after we were first married and, even when my health started to improve, it didn't feel right. For some reason I felt that it was the right thing for me to drop out, and I'm still waiting for the right time to go back and finish. (30 credits away from graduating.)

It has taken me years to get where I am today. There have been problems that have come up over the years (ie. TMJ) that have been painful and annoying, which they attribute to the damage to my neck in the accident.

But, honestly, I feel so blessed today. I am healthier and stronger than I have been in years! I thought my life would be filled with chronic pain, and that everything I ever did, or wanted to do, would have to be managed around pain and limitations. I can now do ANYTHING I want. I do yoga, I play basketball, I dance--not very well--I cook, clean, and balance the budget, I take care of 3 kids, and the only thing stopping me is laziness--not pain.

I feel so blessed that I never got hooked on pain medication. At that time Oxycontin was a popular treatment for chronic pain issues, and I am so glad I never even tried the stuff. I have seen many people, who are in very real pain, make life even worse because of addiction to it.

I ran on the treadmill today and I felt so FREE. It took me probably 4 years after the accident before my muscles could take high impact activity like running without the pain becoming debilitating. I am so grateful to be able to run today--not so grateful that I want to run for very long, but grateful nonetheless. :)

My life is so much better than I thought it would be 9 years ago. It reminds me to live it to the fullest. My only limitations now are self-imposed.

My heart goes out to anyone in pain--physical or emotional. Chronic pain is very real and very devastating. Sometimes there is pain that is so hard to see or understand, and I know how it feels to have everyone looking down on you because they "think you should be better by now." This is also true of depression.

So, I'm also grateful for the sympathy and compassion that my accident instilled in me. I'm not perfect, undoubtedly I'm still more judgmental than I should be, but my soul was changed by my trial--hopefully changed for the better. Hopefully I am more equipped to "lift up the hands that hang down" and "strengthen the feeble knees."

I truly know that I was very literally healed by my faith in the Savior. I don't mean to imply that people who are in chronic pain don't have enough faith. But, for me, it has been testified to me by the Spirit that because I had faith to be healed, a gift of the Spirit, I was healed. There was a time when I thought that I might never be fully, physically healed. . .but my soul was healed, and the pain in my heart was relieved.

For the times when I was discouraged and in pain, and the times now when I feel weak and inadequate and my soul is pained, I think of the scripture story of the man whose child was suffering, nearly unto death, and he desires the Savior to heal his child. The Lord teaches, "All things are possible to him that believeth" and the father in total desperation and ultimate humility, in tears cries out "Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief."

My faith and my life's experiences (particularly the hard ones) have taught me that all things are possible through the Savior, and I pray for my own unbelief and pray that I will be strengthened in my faith to turn to Him whenever I need healing. And I need healing often. We all do.

Frosting Face

It's been a little while, but I gotta post the pictures of Ruby's first birthday celebration. It wasn't much of a celebration. I know that it was her first birthday, and I should have made a big deal of it, but I didn't want to spend any money and I didn't feel like doing a big party, (and I knew Ruby wouldn't care either way) so, all we did was have cake with Grandma and Grandpa. All we really wanted was to see Ruby cover herself in cake.

Mike decorated the cake, of course, but he's not really that thrilled with flowers and butterflies. I think it was pretty cute, despite the fact that Mike wasn't that into it, and all I could find in Wal-mart was petal pink and pale yellow decorating frosting--not what my creative vision had called for.

Getting ready for the party.

She's so embarrassed to be the center of attention.

Not sure what Grandpa's doing here. I just had to document it, because he is always making a fool of himself to get Ruby to crack a smile. I love it!

She preferred this butterfly cookie rather than cake.

Feeling the guilt that inevitably follows after making a pig of yourself! ;)

Happy Birthday, to my baby girl who won't be a baby much longer. ( I wonder how long it will be until she asks for a Princess-themed birthday?)