What a Difference a Decade Makes

Ten years ago today I was in a life-altering car crash. I was driving home from BYU and was driving through a green light at an intersection and another car coming the opposite direction decided to make a left turn directly into my car. They were old people, so I don't know whether they just didn't see my car, or they had meant to turn much sooner and their reflexes were dangerously slow, because they turned so late that they hit me nearly head-on, and it made my car spin almost 180 degrees in the opposite direction.

I jumped out of the car, very much in shock, because I was running through a very busy highway, trying to tell people that we really needed to move my car out of the way because it was going to back up traffic. I don't remember all the details. I remember crying when they took the old people away in stretchers (even though it wasn't my fault.) I remember having to call my Dad and tell him his car was totaled. Everyone kept asking me if I was okay, because the crash was pretty hairy. But, I felt okay. I was scared half to death, but I didn't feel any pain--yet.

It wasn't until about 3 days later that I really felt the pain. The worst pain I had ever felt in my life (I hadn't been through childbirth at that point). Whiplash kind of has a bad reputation as being a "fake" injury, but it is no joke. The pain was so bad that it made me nauseous, it made me vomit, I had muscle spasms, vertigo, pain on the left side of my body that quite literally went from my head to my toes.

And the pain didn't go away, I tried resting for awhile, I tried physical therapy, chiropractics, and the pain just wouldn't go away. I couldn't sleep well, and I was exhausted all the time. I had to drop out of school--I was starting the program to be a Seminary teacher that semester--I also had to quit my job. Weeks went by and I was still in pain, becoming a pitiful lump of a person, and then months went by. My parents were so annoyed, wanting me to get better, get a job, and move out of the house.

I couldn't do it. There were times when I wanted to die, so I wouldn't be in pain anymore. I became so depressed because no one could see my injuries, no casts, no surgeries, and yet the pain was unbearable. I would try to get a job, and I wouldn't be able to meet the demands of the job, so I would I would have to quit. I felt my dreams slipping away, I lost my hobbies, and I saw a life of chronic pain stretching out before me.

After many months, I started being treated at the University of Utah pain management clinic. No one could fix me, there was no cure so I had to deal with chronic pain. Treatments included physical therapy; epidurrals and "trigger point injections"(which means a course of about 20 shots each week); Psychotherapy for the depression; hypnosis and relaxation therapy, etc., etc. This went on for over a year, and I began learning how to deal with my "illness", I began planning a life around pain.

There were many blessings that also came out of this time in my life. I couldn't pursue my academics or my career path, so instead I worked on my spirituality. I had some amazing spiritual experiences during this time, sometimes they say that physical weakness can make you more sensitive to the things of the spirit, and I also prepared myself to go through the temple. That was perhaps the greatest thing that came out of this time. Not working or going to school allowed time for me to attend the temple once a week. The temple was my greatest source of strength and peace during those times.

Also, I was very humbled. I had always been such a kn0w-it-all, so judgmental, had my college and career path all planned, and I came to realize how little I actually knew about life.

In my personal life, my dating experiences had been mostly negative up to that point. I had begun to become very negative and "bitter", and kind of a man hater. After my accident, I was quite literally softened by my hard times. I was battered to the point that my rough edges were wearing off. I mellowed out, and despite my discouragements became less cynical. Undoubtedly that is what prepared me to meet my now husband. We met about 9 months after my car accident. I was much more loving (no more man-hating) and more loveable.

My husband married me despite my health problems--knowing full well that I might struggle with pain my whole life. That I would probably never hold a full-time job, and that there would be days that I might lie in bed the whole day. Wow--he must have really loved me. For the first year of our marriage, my health actually got much worse and I got sick with other problems.

It wasn't until nearly 3 years after my car accident that I started to be somewhat "normal" again. I began to work part-time at a job I loved. I had tried to return to school after we were first married and, even when my health started to improve, it didn't feel right. For some reason I felt that it was the right thing for me to drop out, and I'm still waiting for the right time to go back and finish. (30 credits away from graduating.)

It has taken me years to get where I am today. There have been problems that have come up over the years (ie. TMJ) that have been painful and annoying, which they attribute to the damage to my neck in the accident.

But, honestly, I feel so blessed today. I am healthier and stronger than I have been in years! I thought my life would be filled with chronic pain, and that everything I ever did, or wanted to do, would have to be managed around pain and limitations. I can now do ANYTHING I want. I do yoga, I play basketball, I dance--not very well--I cook, clean, and balance the budget, I take care of 3 kids, and the only thing stopping me is laziness--not pain.

I feel so blessed that I never got hooked on pain medication. At that time Oxycontin was a popular treatment for chronic pain issues, and I am so glad I never even tried the stuff. I have seen many people, who are in very real pain, make life even worse because of addiction to it.

I ran on the treadmill today and I felt so FREE. It took me probably 4 years after the accident before my muscles could take high impact activity like running without the pain becoming debilitating. I am so grateful to be able to run today--not so grateful that I want to run for very long, but grateful nonetheless. :)

My life is so much better than I thought it would be 9 years ago. It reminds me to live it to the fullest. My only limitations now are self-imposed.

My heart goes out to anyone in pain--physical or emotional. Chronic pain is very real and very devastating. Sometimes there is pain that is so hard to see or understand, and I know how it feels to have everyone looking down on you because they "think you should be better by now." This is also true of depression.

So, I'm also grateful for the sympathy and compassion that my accident instilled in me. I'm not perfect, undoubtedly I'm still more judgmental than I should be, but my soul was changed by my trial--hopefully changed for the better. Hopefully I am more equipped to "lift up the hands that hang down" and "strengthen the feeble knees."

I truly know that I was very literally healed by my faith in the Savior. I don't mean to imply that people who are in chronic pain don't have enough faith. But, for me, it has been testified to me by the Spirit that because I had faith to be healed, a gift of the Spirit, I was healed. There was a time when I thought that I might never be fully, physically healed. . .but my soul was healed, and the pain in my heart was relieved.

For the times when I was discouraged and in pain, and the times now when I feel weak and inadequate and my soul is pained, I think of the scripture story of the man whose child was suffering, nearly unto death, and he desires the Savior to heal his child. The Lord teaches, "All things are possible to him that believeth" and the father in total desperation and ultimate humility, in tears cries out "Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief."

My faith and my life's experiences (particularly the hard ones) have taught me that all things are possible through the Savior, and I pray for my own unbelief and pray that I will be strengthened in my faith to turn to Him whenever I need healing. And I need healing often. We all do.