Musings...

This is going to be an entry for me, since I can't imagine anyone reads it since I haven't updated for 9 or maybe it has been 10 months. I hope to get back into it soon. But, tonight it's just one of those blog posts that is like a journal entry. It is almost 1am and I can't sleep, despite the fact that I just took an additional 1/2 ambien to add to my first ambien. Hoping it kicks in anytime. So, if this post suddenly gets really strange or just ends abruptly, it's the ambien factor.

Anyway, for those few close friends that I would really love to stay in touch with, whose blogs I used to follow religiously (talking to you Anne and Amy) , and whom I am sure checked daily in the hopes that I might have posted something, despite being disappointed day after day. I'm going to talk about my life. You know that's why you are are, so I'm not even going to pretend to be modest. Oh, I guess, people come for the pictures of the kids too, so maybe I will throw one in later.

I just feel so pumped about the future. That sounds cheesey, but seriously pumped! I feel like a woman that I didn't know was in me! I have spent the last year waking up at 5:30am to work a job for $8/hr 20 hours a week. And I did my job well. I didn't I could be that person. It has boosted my confidence so much--knowing that I am competent and capable and can handle a lot more than I have given myself credit for.

I was a single mother of 3 for 6 months--it sucked, but it certainly proved I was stronger than I thought.

It was just time to say--I'm done making excuses for why I didn't finish my BA degree 24 credits shy of graduating. I just didn't believe I could handle it and motherhood simultaneously. I can do this!

Now, it isn't even about the BA degree. I don't actually think it will notably change my life right now. But, it HAUNTS me. This ghost of a girl who got in a car accident and slowly began dropping classes, giving up, being sick all the time, losing any ability to dream big, afraid to be unable to meet any expectations, in too much pain to care about a diploma, just all around believe that she was sick, and weak, and incapable. For 10 years that ghost has haunted me, and I am done being haunted. There are noble reasons that I have put this all off, but it was all because of fear.

I just don't want the fear to win. It is not that I am wanting to be something more than a stay-at-home Mom. It's wanting to believe that I actually COULD accomplish something or be something, if I wanted to. I just want believe that I can succeed.

But, mostly I want to stop being haunted. It is one of the nags that has been occupying space in my brain for too long. I have done the best I can to postpone it, to muffle it, to ignore it, but the ghost of pitiful Tiffany past, is dying to be unshackled from the chains of self-doubt and self-limitation. She must be put to peace. I have to get my Ba to stop being haunted by it. I knew haunting would one day turn to drive, and then ultimately turn into enthusiasm. I've been waiting for the enthusiasm to do it, and I finally found it! It took me a long time to want to finish my BA--but now I'm so excited! I know I can do this--that is such a great thing to be able to say! The conquest is somewhat diminshed when I admit that my return to school will still be from the comforts of my own computer. Oh well! I still feel like super woman!

I have great, hilarious, interesting, kids.