Been There, Done Fat

Yesterday I got all dressed, did my hair, but hadn't put make-up on yet. I had to hurry and run to the store, and I couldn't take the time to put make-up on. So, I'm trying to hold my head high, and not care, (but I was also secretly hoping I wouldn't see anyone I know.) I came back home and my 3 year old takes a look at me and says, "Mom, you don't look good. You don't look pretty without make-up." It gets better (or worse). . .after I put make-up on, he gives me a hug and says, "I only love you when you're pretty." Man, he sure is gonna make some lucky girl really happy one day! ;)

Now, I know he is a child, but it still gets worse. Last night, after I washed off all my make-up and got ready for bed, the same precious child, says, "get away from me, you look terrible." Ouch! I laughed so hard, but it was kind of brutal. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if it wasn't such a blatant magnification of the little voice inside my own head that says those kinds of things to me on a daily basis.

Once you take away social grace and diplomacy, the way only a child can, the reality is that I do look much better with make-up than without. I've always known this. In fact, the problem is that it has only been in the last few years that I have gotten comfortable with being bare faced in public. In fact, I have often used make-up to cover up not just my face, but my insecurities. And as I look back on pictures, I realize that the more insecure I was at a particular time, the darker and heavier my make-up was.

In fact, in particular, when my weight was the highest, so also was the volume of my make-up. So, in order to overcome my own insecurities, I am posting some pictures for the whole world to see of me at, what I thought, was my fattest and ugliest.

When I was a freshman at Ricks College I weighed more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child. I was also kind of chunky in high school, but I put on an additional 18lbs. my freshman year. And the fatter I got, the more make-up I caked on. Now, I look back on the pictures, and while I am still not particularly fond of the way I looked, I realize that I wasn't nearly as FAT as I thought I was.

From age 15 until about 21, I defined myself as fat. I thought the reason I wasn't dating is because I was too fat. I was a "fat girl", but it was my ugly, self-deprecating attitude that was more of a guy repellent than my extra pounds. (It has taken me a lot of years to figure that out.)

Even when I played basketball I wore eyeliner and lipstick, although it had sweated off a bit in this picture.

So, here it is people--the truth about my past life: I was chubby and wore horrible brownish-red lipstick. (It was the 90s.) But, on the up side, I had boobs back then!

I still struggle all the time with my own insecurities, beauty seems to be my particular achilles heel. I see myself doing it even now, overcompensating with make-up when I'm feeling particularly unattractive. I have an exercise in confidence every now and then by saying to myself, "Tiff, put down the eyeliner."

Such is life, I guess. While I do look back at my pictures and GAG at my hideous lipstick, my black eyeliner, my unflattering boy clothes and tapered jeans, I also look back and wish I could tell that girl "You're not nearly as fat or as ugly as you think you are. In fact, if you can just smile, laugh, wipe away even half of the make-up, and just be positive and kind. . .you will be beautiful."

I guess I should start by trying to tell myself that today. Regardless of what I look like without make-up, I want to be a beautiful person. I have learned over the years that it has more to do with my attitude than the number on the scale or the make-up on my face. . . .it's just believing it everyday that is the challenge.

My husband always says that the reason he likes when I dress up, is because my confidence and sassiness goes WAY up. He doesn't seem to care when I don't wear make-up, but he definitely notices when I feel better about myself. I think sexiness and beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder, I think it is much more in the eye and mind of the beholden. (If that makes sense.)