"All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good"

My last post was a little pep talk I've been giving myself, trying to convince myself to stay positive, but I'm starting to crack a little. So, rather than emotionally vomiting all over my husband (who already has more than enough to deal with), I will vomit here. I just can't keep it in any longer.

Just a few days ago I received some pretty devastating news. Not the most devastating news I've ever received in my life, but definitely in the top 5: My husband lost his job. Now, I know this has become incredibly commonplace. We have all heard it, from neighbors, friends, even family members. So many people are dealing with this. It has been reduced to a number bantered about by politicians to further their own agendas. In fact, we have heard it so much that it has lost its full emotional weight. . . .until it is you. When it is you, the floor falls out from under you, the walls cave in on top of you, and you just don't know if you can breathe and you fear that you'll never be able to breathe again.

Perhaps I am overreacting. I know that there are far worse trials in life. I feel grateful that my most devastating life's experiences, are still rather low on the devastation richter scale. I'm glad we are only mourning a job. But, our life has been turned upside down. We never expected this. I don't even know how to begin to rebuild. My husband has put his heart and soul, not to mention a ridiculous number of hours, into this company. He was with this company for 9 years, was the #2 guy in management, and then one day, they just "let him go." Suddenly, we are faced with the reality that he is 31 years old, with only a high school education, looking for a job in a job-starved world, with the reality that he will most likely not be able to walk into a job making the salary he was making before.

I think of the time he forfeited, working 60 hours a week, investing in this company when perhaps he should have taken the time instead to get his degree, and invest in himself. But, I am also grateful for the opportunities he had at this company to discover so many talents and abilities that he might not have been able to utilize anywhere else. So, I can't be completely angry. I can't place all the blame on "them." And sometimes that sucks, too. You know, being reasonable, trying to see clearly, trying to keep the anger and the hurt and the sheer terror at bay.

Yes, the terror. How I am fighting with fear right now! I'm sure my husband is too, though he's not one to ever let on. He's so positive and hopeful. I have never had to worry if we would have enough money to pay the bills. I have never not had money for milk, or diapers, or medicine. And now I wonder if it could possibly come to that. My husband assures me, as hopeful as ever, that it won't. But, will there not be enough money for preschool, for my new shoes, for the occasional movie. . .yes, it is quite likely that there won't be enough for those.

Though I am mourning income, the dream of a bigger house, and perhaps cable television--heaven forbid it comes to that ;), I am also rejoicing in the love and mercy of the Lord. Although we didn't see this coming, He, in his infinite omniscience, did. The Lord has protected us so much from the full weight of this blow. It wasn't quite a year ago that we went to a Dave Ramsey event, and were inspired to get our house in order. Dave Ramsey didn't teach us anything that the prophets haven't already been teaching forever. But, we finally got it through our heads. So we have spent the last year getting completely out of debt (except for our mortgage), mastering a written budget, and funding our emergency fund with 6 months worth of expenses. WOW! What an incredible blessing it is! So, at least, for now I know that we can keep the lights on and the children fed.

I want to TESTIFY to anyone who will listen, do not delay, do not make excuses, follow the counsel of the prophets and FIRST and always, pay a full tithe, SECOND, get out of debt immediately, THIRD Live within your means--and I have learned that there is no substitute for a written budget, FOURTH, save money--at least 3 months of living expenses (although now I'm realizing that you can never have too much savings at a time like this), and FIFTH, store food.

My testimony of these principles has been greatly amplified by this experience. I feel so grateful to have not only some money to help us survive, but also some valuable skills (like budgeting, meal planning, Christmas planning, etc). I wish I had some skills that could actually make us some money, but these will have to do. :) And even more importantly than my skills, is the testimony I have that we can now turn to the Lord, in full confidence, and tell Him that we have done everything we can do, and now we need Him to make up the difference. And I know He will. Whatever that means.

I am grateful for this reminder of our dependence on the Lord. I am grateful that I have been shaken out of my complaisance and that I am reaching for the Lord in the way that I only do in times of trial.

I am hoping that it won't be too long until we look back at this as perhaps one of the best opportunities of our life. That we will grow in ways that, although,we never would've signed up for, will make us become who the Lord wants us to be. Perhaps it will take us to places we never would've gone on our own, but where the Lord wants us to go.

So, again, to reiterate the words of President Hinckley: It will all work out. But, also, in President Hinckley's words, I must "say that to myself every morning." And so the journey begins. . .

And as uncomfortable and humiliating as this is to share, particularly for my very private husband, we are looking to all our dear friends and family to help us in our search for employment. My husband is so bright and talented. His experience and abilities include management, sales, training and overseeing sales and service technicians, he has extensive experience with graphic design, marketing and advertising. We are open to just about everything at this point (except network marketing, so don't even approach us with your great"opportunity", and "residual income"). ;) Please keep us in your thoughts. The Lord works in mysterious ways, so you never know who, how, or when something might help.

What else can I say?

It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.

It all works out. Don't worry.

I say that to myself every morning.

It will all work out.

Put your trust in God,

and move forward with faith

and confidence in the future.

The Lord will not forsake us.

He will not forsake us.

If we will put our trust in Him,

if we will pray to Him,

if we will live worthy of His blessings,

He will hear our prayers.

-Gordon B. Hinckley

Come on Cat, Squooshy Cat

My youngest sister is a beautiful singer. She's always been the most musically talented (okay, the only musically talented) one in my family. She's been singing since she could talk. She had a remarkable ability to memorize all the lyrics to songs, even at a very young age. Well, sort of. She has also been notorious for seriously misunderstanding the lyrics, and creating some strange versions of her own. One of her lyric mix-ups has become notorious in my family, and we've repeated it for years. The lyrics she sang, at about 2 or 3 years old were "Come on Cat, Squooshy Cat." No one could figure out what on earth she was singing, until one day she sang along with the song from which she derived the lyrics. It was a song by the Beach Boys that was popular in the mid 80's called "Let's Cruise." (It was on the same album as Kokomo, if you remember that one.) So, she sang "Come on cat, squooshy cat". . .the actual lyrics are "Come on, let's cruise, you've got," (nothing to lose. . .) We have been laughing about it ever since. I mean, what kind of brain hears a pop song and thinks "Come on cat, squooshy cat" is a viable option?

Well, apparently, I have a child with the same kind of brain. My #2 child, Nick, seems very musically inclined. He has also been able to pick up lyrics to songs since he was about 2 years old. He sings all the time, he loves music. He also knows the theme songs to his favorite shows, and the jingles to commercials (the ones aired frequently on Nickelodeon.) I particularly love it when I catch him singing pop songs, like recently I heard him singing a new Rihanna song, the "yea, yea, yea it's so hard, oooh yea, yea, yea it's so hard." Well, like my musically inclined sister, he is also notorious for misunderstanding lyrics. One of his famous songs, he calls "Po, po, Nay, nay." It is derived from the song "Bombs over Baghdad", by Outkast. How he got "Po, po, Nay, nay" from "Bombs over Baghdad" I will never know. But anyway, he's got a new one that has me laughing still.

Nick got a penguin toy in his happy meal yesterday, so he started asking for the penguin song. Huh? What's the penguin song? I asked him to sing part of it, and he sings "Should I just keep chasing penguins. . ." If you haven't guessed yet, it is the song "Chasing Pavements" by Adele. I've been listening to that CD regularly for the past year, and my kids love to sing along. I didn't realize, until last night, that he thought it was "Chasing Penguins." Oh, but it gets better. So, I laugh and say, "the song says chasing pavements." So, he asks to hear the chorus again. He listens a couple times, and then says, "Mom it isn't chasing penguins, it is chasing payments." I say, "No, actually it's chasing pave-ments", emphasizing the v. No, he looks at me like I'm the idiot, and shakes his head and very condescendingly enunciates "CHASING PAYMENTS." End of discussion. He will not believe it to be any different.

So, now I laugh, because as I listened to it as "Chasing Payments" and it became really hilarious to me, because I've decided that it is the ballad of a discouraged bill collector. "Ohhhh, ohhh, should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing payments? Even if it leads nowhere. . ." It's also really fun if you put in the words, "chasing penguins." Like a really depressed antarctic wildlife researcher:

"Ohhh, ohhh, should I give up, or should I just keep chasing penguins? Even if it leads nowhere. Or would it be a waste, even if I knew my place, should I leave it there?"

Oh, I love it. Thank you, Nick for making me laugh. His song lyrics are way better than his compliments--(ie. I only love you when you're wearing make-up.) And I have to post a random picture of this little character, because he is so darn cute and frequently hilarious.

Nick, and his first ever self-portrait.

It (almost) didn't suck!

Valentine's day was surprisingly good. Well, almost. My husband is not known for his grand gestures of romance (to put it nicely) and I have discussed this in prior posts. I mean, he ignored my birthday and, luckily for me, he has been trying to redeem himself ever since. He did really well for Christmas and now Valentine's day. So, I gotta tell you, Mike hates Valentines day. I think we went out once on Valentine's day, probably during year 1 of marriage, and he decided that everything is so crowded and the waits are so long that it isn't worth it. So, we do not go out on Valentine's evening, because I prefer a husband who is not annoyed and cranky to a dinner out.

Oh wait, before I bag on the man for being a Valentine scrooge. I forgot, the most romantic gesture of our entire relationship happened on Valentine's day 2001. We had been dating long distance for about 7 months and Mike was working long hours in Arizona at the time. He sent me roses at my job on Valentine's day that said something like, "Wish I could be there." Then, after I got off work I found a card on my windshield that had a clue in it, that then proceeded to take me on a treasure hunt that took me to some places that had special significance for us, like where we first met, as well as to spots that took me to my friends and family members who gave me more clues. The last clue said, "Since I can't be there, I've arranged for you and Sheree to go out to a nice dinner, so you won't be alone on Valentine's day." When I arrived at the restaurant, I was waiting for Sheree who is chronically 20mins late to everything, I turned around and, yep, of course, there was Michael. He had surprised me with a week long visit! BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER! (He probably should've proposed that night, because that was the biggest romantic gesture he has ever made. His actual proposal didn't even come close.)

So, I have to throw that story in so I don't completely dog on my poor husband. But, honestly, do men ever try as hard once they are married? I think not. We have had a few good V-days, I think. But, most of the time my poor husband just doesn't even try. I also kind of think Valentine's day has definitely been over commercialized and manipulates us women into thinking our men should spend money on us. So there have been many years when Valentine's day goes basically ignored by both of us.

Oh wait, last year he did something thoughtful too. I posted it here. This year, he got me beautiful flowers. Not the last thing he could find at Walmart on Saturday night, he actually planned ahead. I am more impressed by the forethought and planning than the actual present. I just like knowing that I am on my husband's mind sometimes when I'm not around. He also planned ahead and bought my favorite kind of cookie dough, so that on Sunday he could make me a giant heart-shaped cookie. LOVED that!

The kids were so excited to be part of the surprises. Gavin had known about the flowers for a week or so, and he was so proud of himself for keeping it a surprise. BTW, I ate the whole cookie in one sitting. Don't judge me, it was Valentine's day.

My husband did really, really well this Valentine's day. But, here's the sucky part--I was very sick. Miserable. Don't want to face the world sick. I was sick when the flowers came on Friday. I was even sicker all day Sunday. I try really hard to give a lot of positive reinforcement when my man does something great. So, I mustered up all the energy I could to praise him, and my boys. But, I was like "Thank you, I'm going back to bed now. . . .but, I will take the cookie with me."

So, let me say it this way, it was a really, miserable, annoying Sunday that came after a really long, miserable week. . . .but, as for a Valentine's day, I have to count this as a good one.

And one last picture, because it is sooooooo Ruby. I was very sick in bed, and I wanted my hubby to snuggle me for a few minutes, and while the parents were distracted, Ruby climbed up onto the counter and found Gavin's Valentine candy from school. She was only busted because after about 10 minutes of quiet, uninterrupted snuggling with my husband, I knew something must be wrong. I thought I might find her playing in the toilet (yes, that happens way too often) so finding her with 3 suckers was actually pretty cute.

Been There, Done Fat

Yesterday I got all dressed, did my hair, but hadn't put make-up on yet. I had to hurry and run to the store, and I couldn't take the time to put make-up on. So, I'm trying to hold my head high, and not care, (but I was also secretly hoping I wouldn't see anyone I know.) I came back home and my 3 year old takes a look at me and says, "Mom, you don't look good. You don't look pretty without make-up." It gets better (or worse). . .after I put make-up on, he gives me a hug and says, "I only love you when you're pretty." Man, he sure is gonna make some lucky girl really happy one day! ;)

Now, I know he is a child, but it still gets worse. Last night, after I washed off all my make-up and got ready for bed, the same precious child, says, "get away from me, you look terrible." Ouch! I laughed so hard, but it was kind of brutal. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if it wasn't such a blatant magnification of the little voice inside my own head that says those kinds of things to me on a daily basis.

Once you take away social grace and diplomacy, the way only a child can, the reality is that I do look much better with make-up than without. I've always known this. In fact, the problem is that it has only been in the last few years that I have gotten comfortable with being bare faced in public. In fact, I have often used make-up to cover up not just my face, but my insecurities. And as I look back on pictures, I realize that the more insecure I was at a particular time, the darker and heavier my make-up was.

In fact, in particular, when my weight was the highest, so also was the volume of my make-up. So, in order to overcome my own insecurities, I am posting some pictures for the whole world to see of me at, what I thought, was my fattest and ugliest.

When I was a freshman at Ricks College I weighed more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child. I was also kind of chunky in high school, but I put on an additional 18lbs. my freshman year. And the fatter I got, the more make-up I caked on. Now, I look back on the pictures, and while I am still not particularly fond of the way I looked, I realize that I wasn't nearly as FAT as I thought I was.

From age 15 until about 21, I defined myself as fat. I thought the reason I wasn't dating is because I was too fat. I was a "fat girl", but it was my ugly, self-deprecating attitude that was more of a guy repellent than my extra pounds. (It has taken me a lot of years to figure that out.)

Even when I played basketball I wore eyeliner and lipstick, although it had sweated off a bit in this picture.

So, here it is people--the truth about my past life: I was chubby and wore horrible brownish-red lipstick. (It was the 90s.) But, on the up side, I had boobs back then!

I still struggle all the time with my own insecurities, beauty seems to be my particular achilles heel. I see myself doing it even now, overcompensating with make-up when I'm feeling particularly unattractive. I have an exercise in confidence every now and then by saying to myself, "Tiff, put down the eyeliner."

Such is life, I guess. While I do look back at my pictures and GAG at my hideous lipstick, my black eyeliner, my unflattering boy clothes and tapered jeans, I also look back and wish I could tell that girl "You're not nearly as fat or as ugly as you think you are. In fact, if you can just smile, laugh, wipe away even half of the make-up, and just be positive and kind. . .you will be beautiful."

I guess I should start by trying to tell myself that today. Regardless of what I look like without make-up, I want to be a beautiful person. I have learned over the years that it has more to do with my attitude than the number on the scale or the make-up on my face. . . .it's just believing it everyday that is the challenge.

My husband always says that the reason he likes when I dress up, is because my confidence and sassiness goes WAY up. He doesn't seem to care when I don't wear make-up, but he definitely notices when I feel better about myself. I think sexiness and beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder, I think it is much more in the eye and mind of the beholden. (If that makes sense.)