I know I complained a bunch in my last post, but so far things are not going a whole lot better. I am still very busy and very stressed. I don't feel like myself these days. I am just so tired of being so so tired. Know what I mean? It has been one of the hardest years of my life, and October was, perhaps the hardest month of the year so far.
I am trying to work, help my best friend while her baby is in the hospital, take care of the usual menial labors of life and housework, pinch pennies until they actually scream, perfect my husband's resume, apply for jobs, (ideally) exercise occasionally so I can stop my mysterious weight gain, all while trying to stay positive and not become completely overwhelmed and freaked out about our future. The staying positive part is especially daunting. I feel like I am doing everything that needs to be done, but not managing to do it cheerfully. I hate feeling like I am cranky all the time. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling like I am yelling at my kids too much. I hate fighting with my husband. I hate bawling until my face hurts. But, unfortunately, I have been doing all of that more than I would like to admit.
And yet, I just gotta get back up at 5:30am and keep on keepin' on. I just have to complain about it every once in awhile. I don't know what it is, but there is something cathartic about admitting in public (or semi-public since it's on my blog and I have no idea if anyone really reads it) that I don't really have it all together. I am trying to be superwoman and failing miserably. Oh well, at least I'm trying, right?
I am so grateful that my husband is home, even under less than ideal circumstances. He is confident that something will work out and that he will find a job, even if it isn't a dream job, but I am getting a little scared. It has been harder than I thought to find him gainful employment. So, I ask anyone who reads this to please keep him in mind if you know of any positions that could benefit from an experienced operations manager and/or electrician.
I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, because what my best friend is going through, with a new baby in the hospital who unfortunately has to undergo a 3rd surgery, is far more painful and important than my little annoyances. I feel so grateful that I can help her in some way. It is a gift to serve her, not a burden. It is probably the best thing for me right now!
I understand that all these things can, in some way or another, work together for my good. My new "theme song" is a verse from "How Firm a Foundation":
"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design
Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."
I just have to keep reminding myself that His grace is sufficient. If I stay faithful, if I can be filled with hope in Christ, if I can turn to the Lord more fully, He will use all of this to draw me nearer to Him. Sometimes it is hard to keep having faith and hope. Sometimes I even get a little upset with the Lord, I admit it. I question Him. I ask Him why, when I am trying to follow the spirit, things are still not working out (at least as far as I can see.) And I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to question Him. He wants to shake me a little bit, the Lord is not threatened by questioning--in fact, it provides Him the perfect opportunity to give answers. I am still looking for answers. But, one thing is for sure, I am certainly not indifferent right now. I am not complaisant. I am not overly secure in the arm of flesh. So, I know this is a perfect time for my dross to be consumed. . . .it's just very scary being in the midst of the fiery flame sometimes.
3 comments:
Amen. To all of that. My heart goes out to you because I KNOW exactly what you are going through and feeling. Thank you for those inspiring words. I have to admit I found it comforting that someone as spiritually strong as you questions things, too. I guess it is the nature of the beast. I so appreciate your perspective on it, as well.
I always admire the way you share your fears on your blog. I think that as women we all feel like we have to hide our struggles because then others will perceive us as weak. But I think we all should be more like you and admit the things that we are scared of and struggling through so we can all see that we really are all working through our own obstacles. I went to Time Out for Women this weekend and it was all about hope. So, without sounding preachy, I want you to just keep hoping for those future things that you want to happen. Keep going to the Lord. And know that there are so many people who love you!
I love you for your honesty. It is a breath of fresh air when so much we read is about everyone's perfect lives. We all feel the way you do at one time or another and all have our crosses to bear. You are just brave enough to be yourself and for that I am thankful. I know you are going through a rough time but know there are people all over who think of you and love you and keep you in their prayers. You are a beautiful, strong and inspiring woman.
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