My Dross to Consume

I know I complained a bunch in my last post, but so far things are not going a whole lot better. I am still very busy and very stressed. I don't feel like myself these days. I am just so tired of being so so tired. Know what I mean? It has been one of the hardest years of my life, and October was, perhaps the hardest month of the year so far.

I am trying to work, help my best friend while her baby is in the hospital, take care of the usual menial labors of life and housework, pinch pennies until they actually scream, perfect my husband's resume, apply for jobs, (ideally) exercise occasionally so I can stop my mysterious weight gain, all while trying to stay positive and not become completely overwhelmed and freaked out about our future. The staying positive part is especially daunting. I feel like I am doing everything that needs to be done, but not managing to do it cheerfully. I hate feeling like I am cranky all the time. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling like I am yelling at my kids too much. I hate fighting with my husband. I hate bawling until my face hurts. But, unfortunately, I have been doing all of that more than I would like to admit.

And yet, I just gotta get back up at 5:30am and keep on keepin' on. I just have to complain about it every once in awhile. I don't know what it is, but there is something cathartic about admitting in public (or semi-public since it's on my blog and I have no idea if anyone really reads it) that I don't really have it all together. I am trying to be superwoman and failing miserably. Oh well, at least I'm trying, right?

I am so grateful that my husband is home, even under less than ideal circumstances. He is confident that something will work out and that he will find a job, even if it isn't a dream job, but I am getting a little scared. It has been harder than I thought to find him gainful employment. So, I ask anyone who reads this to please keep him in mind if you know of any positions that could benefit from an experienced operations manager and/or electrician.


I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, because what my best friend is going through, with a new baby in the hospital who unfortunately has to undergo a 3rd surgery, is far more painful and important than my little annoyances. I feel so grateful that I can help her in some way. It is a gift to serve her, not a burden. It is probably the best thing for me right now!

I understand that all these things can, in some way or another, work together for my good. My new "theme song" is a verse from "How Firm a Foundation":


"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design

Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,

Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."



I just have to keep reminding myself that His grace is sufficient. If I stay faithful, if I can be filled with hope in Christ, if I can turn to the Lord more fully, He will use all of this to draw me nearer to Him. Sometimes it is hard to keep having faith and hope. Sometimes I even get a little upset with the Lord, I admit it. I question Him. I ask Him why, when I am trying to follow the spirit, things are still not working out (at least as far as I can see.) And I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to question Him. He wants to shake me a little bit, the Lord is not threatened by questioning--in fact, it provides Him the perfect opportunity to give answers. I am still looking for answers. But, one thing is for sure, I am certainly not indifferent right now. I am not complaisant. I am not overly secure in the arm of flesh. So, I know this is a perfect time for my dross to be consumed. . . .it's just very scary being in the midst of the fiery flame sometimes.

Poor Neglected 3rd child's birthday!

In the first week of October I dealt with starting a new work from home job, my best friend's major crisis, my husband returning home after 6 months away, one major emotional breakdown (at a yoga class, in fact), and my baby girl's 2nd birthday. I needed to help my best friend a lot, and I didn't want to celebrate Ruby's birthday until her Daddy came back anyway, and the truth is I didn't even do anything for her on the day of her birthday. It has just been so insane around here in the last month or so that my poor baby girl kind of got the shaft. I was just waiting for Mike to come back and then we just got so busy that we didn't get around to doing anything until about 2 weeks later. And even then, it wasn't anything too exciting.

I am a 3rd child myself, so I am beginning to understand a lot of things about my childhood that I never understood before. It's not that I love my sweet baby any less, it's just that life gets crazier and crazier and crazier. It's not her fault that she is a 3rd child or that her birthday happened to fall during one of the most insane weeks of my life. I thought Mike would want to make a fantastic cake for baby girl (like the lightsaber cake or fire truck cake he made for the boys), but apparently he is not as inspired by girlie stuff. Or maybe he was just exhausted after a very long summer. So, 2 weeks later we made a chocolate cake, threw some sprinkles on it, and called it good.

Ruby is SUCH a 2 year old. She is starting to be insanely difficult about taking naps or going to bed. She is cute, but oh man she makes me CRAZY! Here are a few quintessential Ruby moments of the past month or so:

She won't stay in her bed, but it is not uncommon for me to find her FINALLY passed out on the floor somewhere. It is often at awful times, like a nap at 6pm or bedtime at 11pm. I tried to Supernanny her little behind, but I am no match for the power of 2 year old stubborness.

My house is very small and I have all 3 kids in one room. It is like wac-a-mole at bedtime, they all keep each other up. So, I actually thought it was pretty great that these two snuggled up together and Nick helped Ruby calm down and fall asleep.
This was the welcome home baby girl gave her Daddy. Even after not seeing Daddy for 6 months, she was very, very attached to him. I was amazed. I didn't think toddlers had that kind of memory. But, she hugged him like this the second she saw him and wouldn't let go for about an hour. She followed Mike around constantly for about 3 days and cried whenever he left the house. I think she has finally realized that he isn't leaving again, so she is letting up a little.

I wish I could say that the craziness is over, but that's not entirely true. I take Sheree's kids twice a week so she can go be at the hospital for most of the day. Also, I am working at home every morning at 5:30am. Mike is trying to find a job and I am trying not to stress about it. But, no matter how crazy and stressful life is, it is DEFINITELY better with my husband. I can handle everything better with my strength, my partner, and my comic relief by my side every day.

Life, Love, & Hope

Here is an update on my best friend and her baby. Many of you are filled with compassion and concern for her, and although you may not know Sheree personally, if you are a mother you will undoubtedly be able to sympathize with her and understand the love she has for her baby and the heartache she is feeling right now.

Click on the link to go to Sheree's blog. I am updating it for her right now and I will try to keep everyone up to date on the latest developments. If you want to leave comments for her and her family, I will be sure she receives them.

www.shereerussell.blogspot.com/2010/10/life-love-hope.html

One Woman's Trial is Another Woman's Blessing

This post is dedicated to my sister Jessica and her 7 kids. Poor Jess came to visit for a few weeks, and unfortunately for her it turned into a few months. The army has put Jess and her family through the ringer these last few months. Oh the helplessness and frustration created by government bureaucracy! So, Jessica's husband had to leave and report for duty in Korea without her and the kids. It has been a nightmare for her, and while I feel badly for her, it has been a HUGE blessing for me.

Since me and my sister have both been husbandless, we have been able to hang out a lot and be each other's support system. It also helps that she has 3 older children that have helped me a lot with babysitting. Also, Jess and her family are about the most adventurous family I know! They are a party all the time! My kids LOVE and adore their cousins. We have had more Michael
Jackson dance parties and ninja/transformer/lightsaber fights than I can count!


Jess and her family have truly been the highlight of my summer! It is a difficult time for both of us, but we have also made some awesome memories together. We've made the best of our bad situations. And while I hope it's not my fault, sometimes I wonder if the Lord kept the family from getting to go to Korea with their Dad just so they could bless my life and the lives of my children!

Here are some more of our good times with cousins:

Our adventures in Salt Lake City

Salt Lake Temple East Entrance

Church History Museum

Liberty Park

Bonfire and Hide and go seek up Provo Canyon

Sibling Bonding

Petting Zoo at "This is the Place" park. (I think she'll be ready to mutton bust by next year!)

Pulling a ridiculously heavy handcart (and that's with nothing but one kid in it.) It only took me 3 minutes of pulling it uphill to once again be filled with admiration for the pioneers.

"This is the Place" park was awesome! (It was particularly awesome with my sister's military discount!)

For being such a crappy summer (since Mike is gone) it sure was an awesome summer! I am so grateful for my family. I have a special place in my heart for my big sister. It almost makes me wish Ruby could have a sister. . . . .(but not quite!)

The Annual Problem

In the words of Phineas and Ferb, "There's 104 of summer vacation then school comes along just to end it, so the annual problem of [their] generation is finding a good way to spend it."

We've been trying really hard to find a good way to spend our summer vacation. With Mike gone this summer, time has really slowed down. I have been trying to stay busy, and it has gotten a lot more busy and more exciting since my big sister, Jessica and her 7 kids came to town. She has been such a blessing, she came just when I needed her most!!

Despite it feeling like a very long, slow (and lonely) summer, we have had a few high points. Time slowing to a crawl kind of reminds me of what it's like when I'm pregnant. . .but, my current situation is still way better than being pregnant! At least this way when I am bored and trying to stay busy and distracted, I have the physical capacity to actually do fun stuff.

Here are some highlights:

Our day boating at Deer Creek was awesome! I really need friends with a boat, so I can do that more often. It was so therapeutic and the kids loved it, too.
I know I am so pale it is hard to look directly at this picture. But, it was a big moment for me. After several failed attempts I actually got up and wake surfed. . . .for a glorious 30 seconds!;)

So nice to have an extra set of hands to help with the Tiny Terror!

BYU Bean Museum--always a hit!

One of many park days with cousins.

Upper Provo River Falls

The whole entourage!

I tried to keep her out of the water, but to no avail. (Ruby, not Grandma. ;)

Mirror Lake

She's the Queen of the World!

He's still got a smile on his face. . .even after falling in the Falls and getting soaked and walking around Mirror Lake without any pants! What a trooper!

Thank you Jess and kids for sharing so many good times with us. You guys are always a party wherever you go. I can't wait for our next adventure. Is tomorrow good for you? ;)

If You Really Knew Me. . .

I just watched a new MTV show called "If you really knew me." It was for high school kids to learn to set aside their biases and judgments about each other, and realize that they were a lot more alike than they were different from one another. Yes, high school is probably the worst, what with cliques and all, and it gets better as you get older. But, I still think we are all constantly assessing and judging each other. Some of it is unavoidable, you have to make certain judgments about people just for your own safety and well-being, but I think that sometimes the judgments we make about each other can alienate us from each other. The older I get, the more I've realized that just like those high schoolers on MTV, most of humankind are more alike than they are different. Sometimes we aren't even judging others negatively, sometimes we compare ourselves to others and put ourselves on the lower end of the evaluation, but it still alienates us from them. I think women do it so much. We can look at every other woman and talk about all the great things they have going on--their beauty, their exercise routine, their job, their house, their hours spent volunteering in their child's classroom, their cooking, their craft projects, their neat, perfectly coiffed children, etc. etc. and only feel more inadequate about the things we, ourselves, are lacking. But, the more women I TRULY get to know, the ones I can call good friends, the more I realize that they are just like me. We never feel like we are doing, being, or achieving enough. We all get annoyed with our children, at least sometimes. We all are tormented by housekeeping (either obsessing too much about it, or feeling guilty for neglecting it so much,) we all wish certain body parts were smaller, and we are all trying to be righteous and do what the Lord wants us to do.

I'm usually pretty open on this blog about my issues and insecurities, so I think most of my friends have a realistic view of me, but just in case anyone is still under the misconception that I've got it together or under the misconception that I think I am better than anyone else. . .let's just clear that up.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I struggle with feeling ugly all the time, and I have since I was little. I always wish I were prettier.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I am the only one of my siblings who hasn't finished my college degree. In fact, they are all working on graduate degrees right now. I really don't know when, or if, I will finish.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I always feared that I would never get married.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I didn't really enjoy my kids as babies. I don't like babies, I thought nursing was horrible, I am SO DONE having babies.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I don't eat pork.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I am the least ambitious, and consequently, the biggest underachiever of all my siblings. I know my parents love me, but I always think they wish they had something more interesting to tell people about me and my life besides "Tiffany has 3 kids and lives just down the street."

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I wanted to be a TV news anchorwoman "when I grew up." But, I have a lisp, and thought that might be a problem.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I've always been afraid (sometimes downright paranoid) that my husband would cheat on me.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I wear the Victoria's Secret Miraculous push-up bra and that my breasts are at least 2 cup sizes smaller than they usually appear!;)

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I have wanted to write a book for years and still have not finished it.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I love my 2 sisters, but I also sometimes can't believe I am related to them because they are so different than me. They have become 2 of my closest friends, but they have also given me more grief over the years than all of my other friends combined.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I yell at my children more than I'd like to admit.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I have watched every season of "The Hills." I don't even know why, I think it's some sort of self-loathing behavior. ;)

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that being a good wife is what I care most about being. And I'm not talking about being a good cook or housekeeper, I mean really being everything my husband needs and wants me to be. I still think he is so incredible that he could probably do better than me, but I'm trying to be what I think is good enough for him.

And if I really knew you. . .
I imagine I would think you are more amazing than you even realize!

The Wonders of One-Handedness

I mentioned on Facebook that Gavin had finally learned to ride a bike without training wheels, with a special handlebar made just for his nub. So, I had to document it and show pictures of the little contraption. It turned out to be quite simple, just a little pvc pipe and some foam padding. But, it was amazing! You see, I had tried several times to teach him to ride without his training wheels, and tried to get him to just lean over and hang on the best he could to the regular handlebars with his nub. It didn't work AT ALL! He wasn't making any progress, he wasn't balancing at all on his own, he was uncomfortable and frustrated, and I just felt completely helpless. But, with the help of someone a lot more engineer-minded than myself, we were able to adapt his bike for him.

I'm not usually one to cry when my children reach milestones, I definitely didn't cry when he first went to school, and I love watching them get older. . .but the first time he rode completely unassisted, I cried. It was such a triumph!

You see, lately I have been feeling really inadequate in my abililty to help him with his particular challenges. Most of his life I have approached it as, "you can do what everyone else is doing, just find a way to make it work." For the most part, he has taken much of the initiative to figure things out for himself. So, I haven't had to give him special treatment. But, he is at a particularly delicate age when all of his friends are starting to get skills that are much more difficult for him. So, in some ways he's a little bit behind. His friends are learning to ride bikes without training wheels, climb across the monkey bars, tie their own shoes, swim unassisted, and Gavin is struggling to keep up. I don't want to say, "You can't do that, because you only have one hand." But, I have had to start, really for the first time, saying, "this is going to be a bit more challenging for you, and it may take a little more time to get it." It is also difficult for me because I don't really know how to help him. I have NO idea how to teach him to tie his shoes with one hand. I have tried to teach him how to tie, and tried to figure out ways to adapt it, but to no avail. It's hard to learn from someone who has no idea what to tell you.

Then there is swimming. That is a whole different animal. I can't blame Gavin's lack of swimming ability completely on his lack of a hand. He has been terrified of the water, clinging to me for dear life, until maybe just last summer. He still is insistent upon wearing a life jacket, he has only just begun to try to go under the water just this summer, but now that he is finally open enough to learn how to swim, most of his buddies are already swimming underwater circles around him. I haven't been able to give him the individualized swimming instruction he needs, because my 3 year old is clinging to me for dear life, while my toddler is heading kamakaze style into deep water. But, even if I could give him my undivided attention, I'm not entirely sure what to teach him. I don't even know if he will be able to swim and keep up with his friends. I imagine swimming with one hand is a challenge, at the very least it probably makes you swim pretty crooked.

I have been baffled as to whether I should seek him some sort of specialized therapy. Maybe my occupational therapist friend would know what to do. Rachel, if you read this, I'm open to input. I've never wanted Gavin to feel "handicapped" or unable to do whatever he wants to do. But, I also don't want to be naive and try to ignore the fact that he, in fact, isn't the same as other kids. I really don't know if it's better to almost ignore it and treat him just as any other kid, and let him make the adaptations for himself, or if I should just say, "dude, there's nothing wrong with getting a little help for your challenge, because Mommy doesn't always know how to help you. I'm too used to doing everything with 2 hands."

I'm sure this isn't the last challenge we will ever face in regards to this topic. He has always done such an incredible job adapting to his nub. My heart rejoiced the first time I watched him put toothpaste on his own toothbrush by holding it in his mouth, the first time he put his own socks on (at age 2) by sticking his little nub down in the sock and pulling it open along with his other hand and trying to shove the foot down in there with his nub in the way, I taught him to floss his teeth by wrapping the floss all the way around his nub--it took quite a bit of extra floss, but he did it. I love watching him type on the computer and push keys with his nub.

We're still working on him cutting his own food with a knife, the monkey bars have been postponed until his arm is long enough that his elbow joint can reach, the shoe tying is so beyond me that I just stick with velcro. I secretly keep hoping he will just figure it out his own way one day without any help from his clueless, spaz of a mother.

So, our triumph this week was particularly sweet. Gavin's little friends, who have been riding bikes for a few years now, weren't overly impressed. But, all the adults were so proud. It is the opposition in all things, that makes me fully understand the joy. That is one thing about his defect that I enjoy, it makes me appreciate so many small things that most mothers would take for granted. And yet, as each challenge is presented--some conquered, some still baffling, I realize that this boy has a very complex existence beyond what a 6 year old can comprehend. He's starting to learn a little, but he will have to have so much courage and determination and confidence. When a new school year begins he will have to introduce his handless nub to a whole bunch of new, curious children and he will have to explain again, more often than he would prefer, that "he was born that way." That's all you'll get from him. He is like his father in that he only gives you the necessary information. We are trying to teach him how to laugh and make jokes about it. But, this is his course to navigate, and he will have to find his own coping strategies. Each day, each school year, Mommy will be there less and less, and I already have to let him figure things out on his own.

I just hope that I have done enough, without understanding his plight completely, to instill in him a courage and confidence to face the world. I hope he can be wholly unaffected by all the stares and points (but that's not really realistic), so I hope he is affected by the stares in such a way that he decides "I want to show you that I can do anything I want to do." He has to be brave in ways that I don't always fully acknowledge. But, he is so brave.

Quick, blog before it's too late!

My blogging has been slacking. But, I have lots of good reasons that mainly revolve around the fact that I am a single mother right now who has very little alone time. Also, my toddler has taken to sleeping in my room. . .so I never have access to my good computer during the times (naptime and bedtime) that I can actually work on the computer.

At any rate, I don't actually have much to say, but Janey (my biggest fan and little sister) wanted a blog post. So here it is.

Here are some random musings by me along with a random slew (sp?) of pictures.

1. I thought summer would make it easier to entertain my kids. I thought I could just send them all outside and only have to see them at mealtimes. Nope! Summer is making me crazy. Not only are my children more bored with less to do. . .but now there are also several neighbor kids around that are also bored and looking for something to do. I only have 1 child in school--but he is the one that needs it the most. My oldest son always wants to do "projects," art projects, science projects, and either build or disassessmble something. This child desperately needs the structure of school. And he desperately needs his Daddy who also loves projects. But, right now he is stuck with just me--the parent without any artistic, scientific, or engineering talent nor interest. So. . .I'm on the countdown to 1st grade--all day school, baby, woo hoo!

2. I love cherry coke too much. Like an obese person who can eat 3 large pizzas by themself in one sitting has a "problem with food,"I have a problem with cherry coke. I had terrible anxiety last night when I couldn't get to the store to get what I call my "Sunday stash" of coke. For the most part I have had to stop keeping it at home, because I have no self-control. . .but so as not to break the Sabbath by going to Walker's for a 44ouncer, I usually buy some to make it through the day. My best friend had to bring me 3 cans she had in her food storage at 11pm last night. I told her that she has such unconditional love for me that she would probably buy me heroin if that was my addiction. I love her for bringing me those 3 cans. And I hate myself a little bit for needing them so badly!

3. Children need 2 parents...everyday! I am doing remarkably well being on my own, actually better than I ever would've thought possible. But, my children do much better with 2 parents. They especially like their Daddy, because he is awesome. He does so many things with them that I hate to do--like light saber fighting, building something at the Home Depot workshop, making airplanes out of popsicle sticks, and getting them into bed without raising his voice.

3. Don't take your husband for granted, they do more than you think! I know that not all husbands are helpful with cleaning, cooking, childcare, etc but they do more than you even realize. Please appreciate them! Just having someone there to talk to late at night, or to laugh with, or to slap your behind while you're cooking, or to take late night runs to Wal-mart for children's tylenol. There is nothing better than having someone to share your life with, a partner and a best friend. I have wonderful parents, I have lots of great friends, and a BFF who gives me the coke off her shelf--but, NOBODY HAS MY BACK LIKE MY HUSBAND! He consistently puts my interests and needs above his own. And despite their imperfections, most husbands are like that. Go give your husbands a big hug and kiss and tell them how much you enjoy just having them by your side!

Okay, enough talking, here are the pictures:

Yes, my sweet little girl is wearing her brother's pajamas. All the girlie ones were dirty. Don't judge me, they are lucky to have any clean clothes at this point!

Gavin planted a garden with the help of his Grandpa. I never thought it would grow, the soil there is like concrete. Gavin is so proud (but I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't think the plants will make it to fruition.)

Strawberry days children's parade. They kind of remind me of The Village People-the firefighter, the cowboy, the construction worker, and Spiderman--I think that's how it went, right?

And of course, the one child I don't want outside all day, is the only one who wants to even go outside at all!!

My Box of Chocolates

Yes, the past week or so has definitely been a box of chocolates--good, bad, terrible, delightful, up, down, and all over the place. No matter how bad it got, at times, and how sorry I began to feel for myself, I was regularly reminded how blessed I truly am because many people reached out to serve me in large and small ways so often.


Last week I was feeling discouraged and depressed as it was, and then I broke out into a painful rash all over my head, scalp, neck, ears, and face for 3 days. I had to go to the doctor to get some kind of shot, because benadryl was not working. It was so annoying and frustrating. I was really feeling sorry for myself! Feeling yucky and wallowing in my own misery only made time go by more slowly and made my load seem heavier to bear.

But then there was a bright spot. My brother-in-law got some free tickets to Heber Valley Railroad's "Day Out With Thomas" and gave them to us. Despite feeling crappy, I decided to venture out on my own and take all 3 kids to see Thomas. It was actually a lot of fun. It went unbelievably well. . .all 3 kids cooperated so well! We had a great time! It was so great to go do something fun and free. I am so grateful to my brother-in-law for thinking of us. Sometimes a little thoughtfulness goes a long way. It was so good for all of us!

I wish I could say the rest of the week went great after that, but it didn't. Sunday was awful! My kids were awful--Ruby is still screaming through all 2 hours of nursery. My lesson was definitely not one of my best, I just wanted to get it over with. It was a rough day. I nearly melted down into tears to one of my friends, Amber, who is the Nursery leader. Later on Sunday, she called me and said that she wanted to help because she could tell I was struggling. She offered to come to my house this week, feed my kids dinner, and babysit them for a few hours so I could run errands and go to yoga. WOW! She has 3 kids of her own. She left them with her husband and came to help me. I am so amazed by her charity. She acted like it was no big deal. . .but it was to me!!!

Besides a wonderful friend making my week, I also had a great experience styling another photo shoot this past Monday. The model was one of my good friends and we had a lot of fun. Photo shoots are no small thing, so I'm really grateful that my parents were willing to take my kids for so long so I could be a part of it. It was amazing! Again, I feel humble and blessed to have so many friends and family who are willing to help me. I don't particularly like being always in need of help, but the truth is, I do need help a lot these days. But, the kindnesses shown me this past week really helped get me out of my abyss of self-pity. I am also so impressed by their examples of selfless service, I want to be more like them!

Here is just one cute shot of my friends Amber (model) and Camilla (photographer) from our fun photo shoot. I feel so lucky that I got to work with both of these beautiful, talented girls!

My new thing

So, last time I posted a link to the new beauty/style blog that I started. I hope some of you read it and liked what you read, but there is more to the story than that. Through a series of events (that aren't necessary to talk about for the sake of this story,) I decided that I wanted to learn how to be a stylist. I decided that I wanted to learn to do wardrobe styling for photographers, maybe eventually learn to do make-up artistry, and then apply that knowledge and experience to teaching LDS women and young women about beauty and style within a larger, spiritual context. That is my longer term dream. But, first I have to start somewhere. I went ahead and started an LDS style blog now, even though I'm not really an expert. Right now I can just share my opinions, and hopefully as I gain more knowledge and credibility it will become something cool.

The other part of my dream/idea/plan is to become a stylist. So, I decided to talk to an amazing photographer in my ward, and she is letting me work with her. I feel so completely blessed to have the opportunity to work with her. I don't really know what I'm doing, so I'm just doing my best. She and I worked on our first photo shoot together this past Wednesday. It was incredible and intimidating all at the same time. Some things went well, but some things didn't. One of the looks I put together was specifically designed to go with a Harley that was originally part of the set design, but then the Harley fell through and it was too late to change the look. Oh well, I did my best with what I had to work with. Some things worked, somethings didn't. I definitely learned a lot, and hopefully the next time I'll be even better.

Here are some pictures I took of my experience. I don't think you can get the full effect. You will just have to wait until the photographer has them up on her site. Camilla, the photographer, is so amazing that I'm sure her skill made up for my lack of it!

I had a lot of fun (okay, except for maybe all the mosquitoes.) It reminded me a bit of my short-lived days of being a model. I think I like being behind the camera much better. I hope I become much better at styling than I was at modeling!;)

And just a word about my clothing choices for this shoot--I have been a little torn because I ultimately want teach about styling for LDS women, but I didn't choose clothes that were necessarily garment-friendly, the standard of modesty. Right now I am just learning to be a stylist, and I need to work with both the client and the photographer to find what they want. I don't really get to be pious or picky right now. I don't want to seem hypocritical. Even when I was modeling I had to make the decision that I would be willing to wear "costumes," kind of like a dancer, but only within reason. They weren't always garment appropriate, but they were always tasteful, never overly sexual. I feel the same way now as a stylist. I have full confidence that Camilla Binks, the photographer I am working with, will always do stuff that is in good taste and still in harmony with my beauty ideals.

Camilla is also starting to offer photo shoots to women who just want to look hot and play model for a day. Kind of like a modern "glamour shots." I LOVE this idea, because I think every woman needs to see their own beauty potential. Everyone has more than they even realize! I hope to put together looks for women that make them feel and look amazing. That is the ultimate goal of my whole plan--to help any woman, particularly an LDS woman who has an understanding of her divine nature, to recognize that she is already more beautiful than she knows. Clothing, accessories, and make-up are only tools to help YOU more easily see, and believe in, the innate beauty you've always possessed!

Here is a link to Camilla's website (although as of right now, the shoot I styled is not on the site yet.) www.camillabinks.com

I'm really doing this

I am assuming that I am among friends, I think that only people who consider me a friend would read my blog (but I guess you never know). . .but, in this particular case I might have an easier time opening up to strangers. At any rate, I already posted this on my Facebook page, but I'm also posting it here and if any of you like it, I would love it for you to post a link to it on your blogs as well. No pressure. I won't take it personally, if you don't. It's just that in order for it to be what I envision it to be, I just need a few people to actually read it.

I feel a little self-conscious putting myself out there, but it's just one small step along a new path that I have started paving for myself. There are a whole bunch of facets to my little plan, and the truth is I just need lots of help, support, ideas, feedback, etc from the people who love me. Or just people who have great ideas. I will keep you all posted as I start along my new path, because undoubtedly it will take lots of twists and turns. I'm not usually so ambitious, but I feel inspired to move forward so I am trying to put my head up and confidently take the first step.

So here is my first step, a new blog that ultimately will be a beauty and style blog, with tips and ideas on style that is in harmony with my spiritual beauty ideals. Anyway, so here goes nothing, hope you like it.

www.rubybeauties.blogspot.com

The Bright Side

So, despite my world being turned somewhat upside down, we did have a week of 70 degree weather and it was awesome. So, I'm just going to focus on that for now.

Ruby has discovered the wonderful (and, if you ask me, dangerous) world of our backyard. It freaks me out, but it makes her so happy and she could spend hours out there. Each day I am forced to choose between listening to her scream at the door or letting her brave the great outdoors and risk possible injury. I am trying to find the right balance, because I'm not totally comfortable with either option. You think I wouldn't care as much by child #3, but it still gives me anxiety. Ruby is by far my most fearless child yet.

Sliding down the dirty slide in her new Sunday dress.

This same Sunday afternoon was so warm and beautiful that we decided to take our first family excursion of the season into the mountains. Still too cold to take the Jeep, and I only lasted about an hour, but the kids loved it.

Ruby trying to back herself down into the water. I spent the entire time trying to keep her from completely submergine herself in the icy river.

She would splash her hand in the water and then lick the water on her hand.

Daddy loves the mountains as much as the kids. He's way more fun than I am. The 3 boys all love Nature's playground! I like it too (when all the snow is gone and the temps don't drop below 70 degrees, even in the higher elevations.);)