What a Difference a Decade Makes

Ten years ago today I was in a life-altering car crash. I was driving home from BYU and was driving through a green light at an intersection and another car coming the opposite direction decided to make a left turn directly into my car. They were old people, so I don't know whether they just didn't see my car, or they had meant to turn much sooner and their reflexes were dangerously slow, because they turned so late that they hit me nearly head-on, and it made my car spin almost 180 degrees in the opposite direction.

I jumped out of the car, very much in shock, because I was running through a very busy highway, trying to tell people that we really needed to move my car out of the way because it was going to back up traffic. I don't remember all the details. I remember crying when they took the old people away in stretchers (even though it wasn't my fault.) I remember having to call my Dad and tell him his car was totaled. Everyone kept asking me if I was okay, because the crash was pretty hairy. But, I felt okay. I was scared half to death, but I didn't feel any pain--yet.

It wasn't until about 3 days later that I really felt the pain. The worst pain I had ever felt in my life (I hadn't been through childbirth at that point). Whiplash kind of has a bad reputation as being a "fake" injury, but it is no joke. The pain was so bad that it made me nauseous, it made me vomit, I had muscle spasms, vertigo, pain on the left side of my body that quite literally went from my head to my toes.

And the pain didn't go away, I tried resting for awhile, I tried physical therapy, chiropractics, and the pain just wouldn't go away. I couldn't sleep well, and I was exhausted all the time. I had to drop out of school--I was starting the program to be a Seminary teacher that semester--I also had to quit my job. Weeks went by and I was still in pain, becoming a pitiful lump of a person, and then months went by. My parents were so annoyed, wanting me to get better, get a job, and move out of the house.

I couldn't do it. There were times when I wanted to die, so I wouldn't be in pain anymore. I became so depressed because no one could see my injuries, no casts, no surgeries, and yet the pain was unbearable. I would try to get a job, and I wouldn't be able to meet the demands of the job, so I would I would have to quit. I felt my dreams slipping away, I lost my hobbies, and I saw a life of chronic pain stretching out before me.

After many months, I started being treated at the University of Utah pain management clinic. No one could fix me, there was no cure so I had to deal with chronic pain. Treatments included physical therapy; epidurrals and "trigger point injections"(which means a course of about 20 shots each week); Psychotherapy for the depression; hypnosis and relaxation therapy, etc., etc. This went on for over a year, and I began learning how to deal with my "illness", I began planning a life around pain.

There were many blessings that also came out of this time in my life. I couldn't pursue my academics or my career path, so instead I worked on my spirituality. I had some amazing spiritual experiences during this time, sometimes they say that physical weakness can make you more sensitive to the things of the spirit, and I also prepared myself to go through the temple. That was perhaps the greatest thing that came out of this time. Not working or going to school allowed time for me to attend the temple once a week. The temple was my greatest source of strength and peace during those times.

Also, I was very humbled. I had always been such a kn0w-it-all, so judgmental, had my college and career path all planned, and I came to realize how little I actually knew about life.

In my personal life, my dating experiences had been mostly negative up to that point. I had begun to become very negative and "bitter", and kind of a man hater. After my accident, I was quite literally softened by my hard times. I was battered to the point that my rough edges were wearing off. I mellowed out, and despite my discouragements became less cynical. Undoubtedly that is what prepared me to meet my now husband. We met about 9 months after my car accident. I was much more loving (no more man-hating) and more loveable.

My husband married me despite my health problems--knowing full well that I might struggle with pain my whole life. That I would probably never hold a full-time job, and that there would be days that I might lie in bed the whole day. Wow--he must have really loved me. For the first year of our marriage, my health actually got much worse and I got sick with other problems.

It wasn't until nearly 3 years after my car accident that I started to be somewhat "normal" again. I began to work part-time at a job I loved. I had tried to return to school after we were first married and, even when my health started to improve, it didn't feel right. For some reason I felt that it was the right thing for me to drop out, and I'm still waiting for the right time to go back and finish. (30 credits away from graduating.)

It has taken me years to get where I am today. There have been problems that have come up over the years (ie. TMJ) that have been painful and annoying, which they attribute to the damage to my neck in the accident.

But, honestly, I feel so blessed today. I am healthier and stronger than I have been in years! I thought my life would be filled with chronic pain, and that everything I ever did, or wanted to do, would have to be managed around pain and limitations. I can now do ANYTHING I want. I do yoga, I play basketball, I dance--not very well--I cook, clean, and balance the budget, I take care of 3 kids, and the only thing stopping me is laziness--not pain.

I feel so blessed that I never got hooked on pain medication. At that time Oxycontin was a popular treatment for chronic pain issues, and I am so glad I never even tried the stuff. I have seen many people, who are in very real pain, make life even worse because of addiction to it.

I ran on the treadmill today and I felt so FREE. It took me probably 4 years after the accident before my muscles could take high impact activity like running without the pain becoming debilitating. I am so grateful to be able to run today--not so grateful that I want to run for very long, but grateful nonetheless. :)

My life is so much better than I thought it would be 9 years ago. It reminds me to live it to the fullest. My only limitations now are self-imposed.

My heart goes out to anyone in pain--physical or emotional. Chronic pain is very real and very devastating. Sometimes there is pain that is so hard to see or understand, and I know how it feels to have everyone looking down on you because they "think you should be better by now." This is also true of depression.

So, I'm also grateful for the sympathy and compassion that my accident instilled in me. I'm not perfect, undoubtedly I'm still more judgmental than I should be, but my soul was changed by my trial--hopefully changed for the better. Hopefully I am more equipped to "lift up the hands that hang down" and "strengthen the feeble knees."

I truly know that I was very literally healed by my faith in the Savior. I don't mean to imply that people who are in chronic pain don't have enough faith. But, for me, it has been testified to me by the Spirit that because I had faith to be healed, a gift of the Spirit, I was healed. There was a time when I thought that I might never be fully, physically healed. . .but my soul was healed, and the pain in my heart was relieved.

For the times when I was discouraged and in pain, and the times now when I feel weak and inadequate and my soul is pained, I think of the scripture story of the man whose child was suffering, nearly unto death, and he desires the Savior to heal his child. The Lord teaches, "All things are possible to him that believeth" and the father in total desperation and ultimate humility, in tears cries out "Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief."

My faith and my life's experiences (particularly the hard ones) have taught me that all things are possible through the Savior, and I pray for my own unbelief and pray that I will be strengthened in my faith to turn to Him whenever I need healing. And I need healing often. We all do.

Frosting Face

It's been a little while, but I gotta post the pictures of Ruby's first birthday celebration. It wasn't much of a celebration. I know that it was her first birthday, and I should have made a big deal of it, but I didn't want to spend any money and I didn't feel like doing a big party, (and I knew Ruby wouldn't care either way) so, all we did was have cake with Grandma and Grandpa. All we really wanted was to see Ruby cover herself in cake.

Mike decorated the cake, of course, but he's not really that thrilled with flowers and butterflies. I think it was pretty cute, despite the fact that Mike wasn't that into it, and all I could find in Wal-mart was petal pink and pale yellow decorating frosting--not what my creative vision had called for.

Getting ready for the party.

She's so embarrassed to be the center of attention.

Not sure what Grandpa's doing here. I just had to document it, because he is always making a fool of himself to get Ruby to crack a smile. I love it!

She preferred this butterfly cookie rather than cake.

Feeling the guilt that inevitably follows after making a pig of yourself! ;)

Happy Birthday, to my baby girl who won't be a baby much longer. ( I wonder how long it will be until she asks for a Princess-themed birthday?)

Big Girl

Yesterday was my sweet baby's birthday. We haven't celebrated yet, so stay tuned for the baby attacking the birthday cake type pictures. But, I still had to take a minute to pause and reflect on the fact that my baby, the last baby I plan to have, will not be a baby much longer. In fact, she started taking her first steps during her birthday week. Yay!

She's adorable and I think she just gets cuter and more fun everyday. I'd take a busy, trouble-making 1 year old over a newborn anyday! Oh man, I may regret that I said that here in a few more weeks because this child is quickly turning into a terror.

These pictures were all taken on the day of her birthday--she had a very busy day.

Climbing on something precarious (one of her favorite tricks), and yes it often ends with her falling on her head.

I think I have a picture of each one of my babies sitting on the dishwasher. They love it. But, she is the first to ignore my "no, no's" and actually have the audacity to stand up and dance on it. She thought she was hot stuff. She found a stage for her booty shakin'.

Big girl carseat, facing forward. And yet she still screams whenever I put her in her carseat.

Unloading the dressers quickly (and constantly), oops she knows she's busted!

Relaxing with Daddy.

So, it's official my baby's a toddler. The boys think it is so exciting and they cheer wildly whenever she tries to walk (which actually makes her fall down.) She is already lots of fun, and lots of trouble, I'm already worrying that she won't like me when she's a teenager. So glad she's in our family.