My BIG, FAT truth

I love it when people are really open and candid about their weaknesses. I have read some great "Blog Confessions" where women I love and admire admit to eating M&M's for lunch or make excuses for why they don't exercise as much as they should. It makes me love my dear friends even more when they show their "dark side." So, I feel that sharing my own "confession" will be freeing and cathartic for me, and hopefully elicit empathy and understanding from my friends. Here goes:

I have already gained 30lbs!! I am only 27 weeks pregnant and this is ridiculous! I only gained 29lbs my whole pregnancy with Gavin and I think about 35 with Nick. . .so I am on track to gain 40-50lbs total by the end of this pregnancy. It is so shameful! Here is a good look at my chubby face and double chin:

Now that I see it captured in pictures, it has become so painfully real. Even these pictures make me look better than I actually do in person. In person you can see my giant love handles! I am not one of those cute pregnant women who gets a big round belly and is skinny everywhere else. My baby weight makes my entire midsection spread--my shoulders, my ribs, my arms get bigger, my sides and back get fat, etc.

I am completely and totally to blame for my excessive weight gain. I am a total Cherry Coke addict--I drink a couple 44 ouncers every day! I am obsessed with cookies, especially peanut butter ones. Even my favorite healthy food is watermelon, which my Mom just informed me is like ridiculously high in sugar. I eat Quaker granola bars for snacks (which really aren't much better than candy bars.) And I don't really even want to go into my whole struggle with exercise.

On top of making myself fat, apparently I am ruining my unborn child. A woman who works at Walker's, who has seen me like twice a day buying my Coke for years, felt the need to tell me that "I really shouldn't be getting my unborn baby addicted." Yeah, yeah--okay it's not great, but, it's not like I was buying a pack of cigarettes!

You see, after being super paranoid with my first baby--I gave up all caffeine, I wore gloves when I was using household cleaners, and I ate my greens and yellows--I still had a child with a birth defect. So, going through that has actually made me less paranoid during pregnancy. So, yes, I do drink caffeine. I have a feeling that my Cherry Coke habit is far more detrimental to me than this unborn baby!

I know I should really start cutting back on the sugar now, because eventually I'm going to have to do the work to take all these pounds off later. I'm only making it harder for myself in the long run. I'm really, really afraid that a lot of this baby weight won't ever come off again. I know I have FP (fat potential) because I was chunky through high school and especially my freshman year in college. But. . .the confession is that my fear of fat still has not given me the motivation to put down the Coke, (or the cookies, or candy, sometimes ice cream, the occasional Butterfinger, etc. etc.)

Okay, I feel better putting that out there. But, there is one last ugly part to my "BIG, FAT truth." I had Mike take these pictures to document my pregnancy (through 3 pregnancies I've avoided very many pregnant pics), but they are NOT an accurate depiction. In these pictures I am wearing makeup and my hair is done. Those two things rarely happen. I was still trying really hard to look as cute as possible, and on a regular day I don't try at all!

Since I am way too insecure to actually post a picture of what I look like most of the time. Here are a few representations that will give you the idea:

When I'm thin.

When I'm not-so-thin.

With curly hair.