If you're left wanting more...

 

I don't really blog anymore, only every once in awhile for my one friend, (Sheree) who isn't on facebook.  I really love that I can keep in touch with old friends through facebook...but, sometimes it is hard to tell what is actually going on in their lives through facebook posts.  You know those status updates like, "So glad that's over" or "I can't believe this, I am so mad/sad/excited right now" and unless you are in their close inner circle, you don't really know what's going on.  You also kind of get a false sense of staying in touch with someone through facebook--like I recently ran into two of my old high school friends who were both very pregnant and I had no idea.  I didn't realize that it had been months and months since I had actually had real contact with them.  So, while facebook might be really great for sharing our political views (said tongue in cheek, because I actually am not down with that at all) or for sharing funny anecdotes about our days....if you have been left wanting to know more about my life from the little bits I do share on facebook, this post is for you. 

You can consider this my version of a Christmas update letter.  I will tie up some of those unanswered questions from blog posts past, for those of you who have been on the edge of your seats.

It has been almost 3 years since my husband lost the job he had had since before we got married.  That was a MAJOR event in the life of the Wilson family and in some ways it has only been the last couple of months that things have finally started to settle down.  My husband has had a couple of different jobs since then, one of which took him to Washington for 6 months without us in 2010 and one which took him to Boise for 4 months in 2012.  I went with him to Boise for a couple of those months and I hated it.  (See previous post.)  He was a technician for a satellite TV company and it was looking like he would have to go to different offices around the U.S. each summer.  But, this Fall he was offered a job in their corporate office as regional manager and he gets to work close to home.  He is back on a salary, with benefits, and a normal daily schedule.  It is AMAZING!  After several years of uncertainty, I am finally starting to feel stable again.  I guess you never know for sure what can happen.  (Experiencing a job loss can be traumatic and you never feel all the way secure after that.) 

For me the last several years have been a journey of self-discovery (sort of.)  Actually being a "single mother" for a big chunk of that time, (and the months my husband was in Utah he was working long, unpredictable hours 6 days a week), had my living in survival mode.  The first year after his job loss, I worked a job from home.  That is a blessing and a huge challenge!  I have such a huge respect and admiration for working mothers.  (Don't worry, I have a ton of respect and admiration for stay-at-home Moms too.)  But, adding a job and those demands to the demands of Mother is just insane.   I decided after a year that I needed to use my time to invest in my future by finishing my BA degree, so that if my husband ever lost his income again I could support the family at more than $8.00 an hour. 

So, here I am a year later since starting the Bachelor of General Studies program at BYU still plugging along at my BA.  I only have 15 credit hours remaining, but it seems to be taking forever.  I am going slower than I intended to, thanks to a bout of mono that took me out for a whole summer and thanks to my own propensity to always put my studies last on my list.  All of my classes are through Independent Study and I have a year to complete each class.  That makes it all too easy to put it off.  And as the 2nd counselor in the Primary presidency and a mother of 3, there are always seem to be more pressing demands. 

I have basically abandoned all of my other aspirations and pursuits.  I no longer do styling for my photographer friend.  I no longer do my fashion/beauty blog.  I have really lost all interest in beauty and fashion.  Being short on economic and emotional resources doesn't leave anything leftover for that.  Of course I still care about womanhood and virtue and valuing yourself and all that stuff, but I just don't have the extra time or energy to go on about it right now.  My family is of course my top priority, my calling and my schooling take up the rest of my energy.  I think I was just sort of trying out that other stuff for size and it just didn't fit.  I did actually write an LDS book and someday I hope to do something with that, but just not today. 

So, that's me.  I guess if this is going to be a legit update letter I better tell you a bit about my kids.  I still have only 3 and I hope to keep it that way.  I actually really, really love being done with the baby and toddler phase.   My kids are now 8, 6, and 4 and I love those ages.  They are young enough to still adore me and old enough to dress themselves.  It is perfect!



Gavin is 8.  He finally learned how to tie his shoes! That is a huge deal for us.  Because he has only one hand it has proved a huge challenge.  I haven't had any idea how to teach him, 'cause I can't even do it myself.  We watched videos about one-handed shoe tying on youtube, but he never quite got it until one day he just sat there and tried and tried.  He rides his bike without a special handlebar now and he usually adapts to just about anything. I'm sure he has more challenges ahead because of his arm, but the shoe tying helps him prove to himself that he can find a way to overcome! 

Nicholas is 6 and he started first grade this year.  I felt a much bigger jump from Kindergarten to first grade than I did from Pre-school to Kindergarten.  A lot is expected of these little ones in first grade and I have seen Nick grow so much in just these past few months.  This boy is filled with so much joy and enthusiasm.  He is outgoing, social, and talks a lot!  (We know which parent he gets that from.)  He is also wise beyond his 6 years.

Ruby is 4 and I'm not sure what words to even describe this girl.  She is just so Ruby!  She's a tomboy and a princess all at the same time.  She is super independent and a major Mama's girl all at the same time.  She has stretched my parenting skills to a whole new (and often) uncomfortable level.  I hope I can keep up with this girl.  She is also sweet, affectionate, and adorable.  She will charm you to pieces.

 

 

So, that's all of us.   I feel so grateful to have 3 great kids and a husband who works so hard for us!  I love being a stay-at-home Mom with my kids, despite the fact that I complain about it regularly.  I don't get sad about the years going by and my kids getting bigger.  I actually love watching them turn into little people.  They are all such unique personalities and I'm proud to be their Mom.  Most days I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job, but just for today I am going to say that we are pretty much the raddest family in the world!!

Boy, oh, Boise!

I never blog anymore but since my best friend is one of the last people on earth who is not on facebook, I wanted to show her some of our adventures.  I also kind of wanted to document the whole experience.  It has been an interesting time for our family.  I look at these pictures of all the fun things we've been doing and I think, "Why am I not having fun?" I will try not to start complaining (I only seem to blog when I am lamenting my troubles) and I am trying really hard to be positive.  I'm not sure why I'm not enjoying this time.  I would venture to guess that the biggest reason is that I have had MONO since before I moved here.  I was sick for 2 weeks and went to the doctor's twice before they finally diagnosed me.  I have felt pretty awful the whole time I've been here.  I was doing a little better for a few weeks and then I got a cold, followed by a sinus infection, that has aggravated all the mono symptoms and made me miserable again.   So, I will blame it on that and not on the fact that maybe I am a big baby who hates change and uncertainty and being away from my friends and family.  I guess my sisters got all the tough and adventurous DNA--(one has lived in Russia/Ukraine the other has lived and travelled everywhere) and I got left with wuss DNA because I can't even hack it in Boise, Idaho! 

Boise is actually a great place.  It has all the stores and restaurants a girl could want, everything to do is within a 15 minute drive, it is clean, the parks and museums are amazing, even my apartment is fine.

Our ward has been very friendly and welcoming.  They included Gavin in cub scouts right away and it turns out that my Bishop is my second cousin!  It's just hard to get very involved or make friends when I am staying such a short time. 

I think that's the other thing besides the mono that is difficult.  I feel so unsettled here. I was here for a few weeks, then back in Utah for a few weeks, then back here for a few weeks, and it's just been too much disruption for my kids.  2 months is neither vacation or home and my kids are feeling it. 

I have learned a lot about myself these last few weeks.  (Mostly that I am a huge wimp.)  I am taking some of these challenges and trying to overcome them and become a better person, and hopefully a better Mom.  You just never know what life might require of you.  A few months in Boise is not what I would classify as a HUGE trial or anything, yet it is working me over a bit.   Live and learn and grow, I guess!  

It has definitely made me appreciate home even more.  I usually complain about my house being too small, but after living in an apartment, I see it VERY differently.  I love my home.  I love my own bed.  I LOVE my backyard and the play place where I can kick the kids out to when they are driving me crazy during summer break.  I love my wonderful neighbors.  And it turns out I even really love primary!  They did not release me from my calling in the Primary presidency while I have been in Boise, so I will go back to it when I get home.  I miss it more than I ever expected to.  

So, in summation, let me make it clear that in no way is my experience a reflection on Boise.  I have no complaints about the area.  We have done about everything we can do to make the most of it.  Someday, when I'm looking back I hope I will realize that I might've had some fun in there somewhere.

Musings...

This is going to be an entry for me, since I can't imagine anyone reads it since I haven't updated for 9 or maybe it has been 10 months. I hope to get back into it soon. But, tonight it's just one of those blog posts that is like a journal entry. It is almost 1am and I can't sleep, despite the fact that I just took an additional 1/2 ambien to add to my first ambien. Hoping it kicks in anytime. So, if this post suddenly gets really strange or just ends abruptly, it's the ambien factor.

Anyway, for those few close friends that I would really love to stay in touch with, whose blogs I used to follow religiously (talking to you Anne and Amy) , and whom I am sure checked daily in the hopes that I might have posted something, despite being disappointed day after day. I'm going to talk about my life. You know that's why you are are, so I'm not even going to pretend to be modest. Oh, I guess, people come for the pictures of the kids too, so maybe I will throw one in later.

I just feel so pumped about the future. That sounds cheesey, but seriously pumped! I feel like a woman that I didn't know was in me! I have spent the last year waking up at 5:30am to work a job for $8/hr 20 hours a week. And I did my job well. I didn't I could be that person. It has boosted my confidence so much--knowing that I am competent and capable and can handle a lot more than I have given myself credit for.

I was a single mother of 3 for 6 months--it sucked, but it certainly proved I was stronger than I thought.

It was just time to say--I'm done making excuses for why I didn't finish my BA degree 24 credits shy of graduating. I just didn't believe I could handle it and motherhood simultaneously. I can do this!

Now, it isn't even about the BA degree. I don't actually think it will notably change my life right now. But, it HAUNTS me. This ghost of a girl who got in a car accident and slowly began dropping classes, giving up, being sick all the time, losing any ability to dream big, afraid to be unable to meet any expectations, in too much pain to care about a diploma, just all around believe that she was sick, and weak, and incapable. For 10 years that ghost has haunted me, and I am done being haunted. There are noble reasons that I have put this all off, but it was all because of fear.

I just don't want the fear to win. It is not that I am wanting to be something more than a stay-at-home Mom. It's wanting to believe that I actually COULD accomplish something or be something, if I wanted to. I just want believe that I can succeed.

But, mostly I want to stop being haunted. It is one of the nags that has been occupying space in my brain for too long. I have done the best I can to postpone it, to muffle it, to ignore it, but the ghost of pitiful Tiffany past, is dying to be unshackled from the chains of self-doubt and self-limitation. She must be put to peace. I have to get my Ba to stop being haunted by it. I knew haunting would one day turn to drive, and then ultimately turn into enthusiasm. I've been waiting for the enthusiasm to do it, and I finally found it! It took me a long time to want to finish my BA--but now I'm so excited! I know I can do this--that is such a great thing to be able to say! The conquest is somewhat diminshed when I admit that my return to school will still be from the comforts of my own computer. Oh well! I still feel like super woman!

I have great, hilarious, interesting, kids.

Hurricane Ruby

Blogging has gone way, way down on my priority list. But, since it is my only source for journaling, scrapbooking, and generally recording the history of my little family, I had to do a post. I have to record the toddlerhood of my little Ruby. She will only be 2 once--THANK GOODNESS! She is adorable, hilarious, talkative, independent, full of personality, and a complete TERROR! Maybe I'm not remembering completely, but I'm pretty sure she is my hardest toddler yet. I have had to put up a baby gate to block off my kitchen and front room, I've had to resort to locking the bathroom (because she would play with the toilet brush, play in the toilet bowl, or get in the bath and turn on the water if she got the chance), I've had to put child locks on all dresser drawers because she was using them to climb up on top of the dressers and up on TV stands, and if she is quiet for 10 minutes I have to immediately find her because she is almost ALWAYS doing something mischevious. I will need to repaint several of my rooms because she has colored all over them--to the point that Mr. Clean magic eraser can no longer save them. But, I think I will wait to repaint until she's at least 3!;)

She got a hold of an open bottle of baby powder (that was on the top of my tallest dresser) and showered two bedrooms with it. That was several months ago and I STILL see baby powder show up on our ceiling fans.

Oh yes, and she also never sleeps. She stays up until after 10pm every night and ends up coming into my bed by 5am every morning. I don't even know how to stop that. She shares a room with her 2 brothers, so I do whatever it takes to keep at least 2 out of 3 children asleep! It is wac-a-mole every night.

But, Ruby is also adorable. She worships her Daddy. Every time he walks through the door she runs up to him, hugs him and YELLS "I missed you Daddy!"

She also just loves to hang with her brothers. She loves to run, swordfight, jump off of furniture, and do anything and everything they can do. She loves to play in the "snowmam," as she calls it (snow.)

And my favorite Ruby-ism, is when she runs up to someone and says "Hi, it's me Ruby!" Today she ran into the chapel where my husband was already sitting in a bench and she yelled "Hi Daddy it's me Ruby!"

Yes she's a terror, but she is funny and adorable! I am trying to enjoy her, because I'm sure someday I will look back and miss this funny little toddler, someday when she's a teenager and doesn't want anything to do with me. But, at least when she's a teenager she won't be splashing in the toilet bowl.

My Dross to Consume

I know I complained a bunch in my last post, but so far things are not going a whole lot better. I am still very busy and very stressed. I don't feel like myself these days. I am just so tired of being so so tired. Know what I mean? It has been one of the hardest years of my life, and October was, perhaps the hardest month of the year so far.

I am trying to work, help my best friend while her baby is in the hospital, take care of the usual menial labors of life and housework, pinch pennies until they actually scream, perfect my husband's resume, apply for jobs, (ideally) exercise occasionally so I can stop my mysterious weight gain, all while trying to stay positive and not become completely overwhelmed and freaked out about our future. The staying positive part is especially daunting. I feel like I am doing everything that needs to be done, but not managing to do it cheerfully. I hate feeling like I am cranky all the time. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling like I am yelling at my kids too much. I hate fighting with my husband. I hate bawling until my face hurts. But, unfortunately, I have been doing all of that more than I would like to admit.

And yet, I just gotta get back up at 5:30am and keep on keepin' on. I just have to complain about it every once in awhile. I don't know what it is, but there is something cathartic about admitting in public (or semi-public since it's on my blog and I have no idea if anyone really reads it) that I don't really have it all together. I am trying to be superwoman and failing miserably. Oh well, at least I'm trying, right?

I am so grateful that my husband is home, even under less than ideal circumstances. He is confident that something will work out and that he will find a job, even if it isn't a dream job, but I am getting a little scared. It has been harder than I thought to find him gainful employment. So, I ask anyone who reads this to please keep him in mind if you know of any positions that could benefit from an experienced operations manager and/or electrician.


I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, because what my best friend is going through, with a new baby in the hospital who unfortunately has to undergo a 3rd surgery, is far more painful and important than my little annoyances. I feel so grateful that I can help her in some way. It is a gift to serve her, not a burden. It is probably the best thing for me right now!

I understand that all these things can, in some way or another, work together for my good. My new "theme song" is a verse from "How Firm a Foundation":


"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design

Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,

Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."



I just have to keep reminding myself that His grace is sufficient. If I stay faithful, if I can be filled with hope in Christ, if I can turn to the Lord more fully, He will use all of this to draw me nearer to Him. Sometimes it is hard to keep having faith and hope. Sometimes I even get a little upset with the Lord, I admit it. I question Him. I ask Him why, when I am trying to follow the spirit, things are still not working out (at least as far as I can see.) And I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to question Him. He wants to shake me a little bit, the Lord is not threatened by questioning--in fact, it provides Him the perfect opportunity to give answers. I am still looking for answers. But, one thing is for sure, I am certainly not indifferent right now. I am not complaisant. I am not overly secure in the arm of flesh. So, I know this is a perfect time for my dross to be consumed. . . .it's just very scary being in the midst of the fiery flame sometimes.

Poor Neglected 3rd child's birthday!

In the first week of October I dealt with starting a new work from home job, my best friend's major crisis, my husband returning home after 6 months away, one major emotional breakdown (at a yoga class, in fact), and my baby girl's 2nd birthday. I needed to help my best friend a lot, and I didn't want to celebrate Ruby's birthday until her Daddy came back anyway, and the truth is I didn't even do anything for her on the day of her birthday. It has just been so insane around here in the last month or so that my poor baby girl kind of got the shaft. I was just waiting for Mike to come back and then we just got so busy that we didn't get around to doing anything until about 2 weeks later. And even then, it wasn't anything too exciting.

I am a 3rd child myself, so I am beginning to understand a lot of things about my childhood that I never understood before. It's not that I love my sweet baby any less, it's just that life gets crazier and crazier and crazier. It's not her fault that she is a 3rd child or that her birthday happened to fall during one of the most insane weeks of my life. I thought Mike would want to make a fantastic cake for baby girl (like the lightsaber cake or fire truck cake he made for the boys), but apparently he is not as inspired by girlie stuff. Or maybe he was just exhausted after a very long summer. So, 2 weeks later we made a chocolate cake, threw some sprinkles on it, and called it good.

Ruby is SUCH a 2 year old. She is starting to be insanely difficult about taking naps or going to bed. She is cute, but oh man she makes me CRAZY! Here are a few quintessential Ruby moments of the past month or so:

She won't stay in her bed, but it is not uncommon for me to find her FINALLY passed out on the floor somewhere. It is often at awful times, like a nap at 6pm or bedtime at 11pm. I tried to Supernanny her little behind, but I am no match for the power of 2 year old stubborness.

My house is very small and I have all 3 kids in one room. It is like wac-a-mole at bedtime, they all keep each other up. So, I actually thought it was pretty great that these two snuggled up together and Nick helped Ruby calm down and fall asleep.
This was the welcome home baby girl gave her Daddy. Even after not seeing Daddy for 6 months, she was very, very attached to him. I was amazed. I didn't think toddlers had that kind of memory. But, she hugged him like this the second she saw him and wouldn't let go for about an hour. She followed Mike around constantly for about 3 days and cried whenever he left the house. I think she has finally realized that he isn't leaving again, so she is letting up a little.

I wish I could say that the craziness is over, but that's not entirely true. I take Sheree's kids twice a week so she can go be at the hospital for most of the day. Also, I am working at home every morning at 5:30am. Mike is trying to find a job and I am trying not to stress about it. But, no matter how crazy and stressful life is, it is DEFINITELY better with my husband. I can handle everything better with my strength, my partner, and my comic relief by my side every day.

Life, Love, & Hope

Here is an update on my best friend and her baby. Many of you are filled with compassion and concern for her, and although you may not know Sheree personally, if you are a mother you will undoubtedly be able to sympathize with her and understand the love she has for her baby and the heartache she is feeling right now.

Click on the link to go to Sheree's blog. I am updating it for her right now and I will try to keep everyone up to date on the latest developments. If you want to leave comments for her and her family, I will be sure she receives them.

www.shereerussell.blogspot.com/2010/10/life-love-hope.html