Musings...

This is going to be an entry for me, since I can't imagine anyone reads it since I haven't updated for 9 or maybe it has been 10 months. I hope to get back into it soon. But, tonight it's just one of those blog posts that is like a journal entry. It is almost 1am and I can't sleep, despite the fact that I just took an additional 1/2 ambien to add to my first ambien. Hoping it kicks in anytime. So, if this post suddenly gets really strange or just ends abruptly, it's the ambien factor.

Anyway, for those few close friends that I would really love to stay in touch with, whose blogs I used to follow religiously (talking to you Anne and Amy) , and whom I am sure checked daily in the hopes that I might have posted something, despite being disappointed day after day. I'm going to talk about my life. You know that's why you are are, so I'm not even going to pretend to be modest. Oh, I guess, people come for the pictures of the kids too, so maybe I will throw one in later.

I just feel so pumped about the future. That sounds cheesey, but seriously pumped! I feel like a woman that I didn't know was in me! I have spent the last year waking up at 5:30am to work a job for $8/hr 20 hours a week. And I did my job well. I didn't I could be that person. It has boosted my confidence so much--knowing that I am competent and capable and can handle a lot more than I have given myself credit for.

I was a single mother of 3 for 6 months--it sucked, but it certainly proved I was stronger than I thought.

It was just time to say--I'm done making excuses for why I didn't finish my BA degree 24 credits shy of graduating. I just didn't believe I could handle it and motherhood simultaneously. I can do this!

Now, it isn't even about the BA degree. I don't actually think it will notably change my life right now. But, it HAUNTS me. This ghost of a girl who got in a car accident and slowly began dropping classes, giving up, being sick all the time, losing any ability to dream big, afraid to be unable to meet any expectations, in too much pain to care about a diploma, just all around believe that she was sick, and weak, and incapable. For 10 years that ghost has haunted me, and I am done being haunted. There are noble reasons that I have put this all off, but it was all because of fear.

I just don't want the fear to win. It is not that I am wanting to be something more than a stay-at-home Mom. It's wanting to believe that I actually COULD accomplish something or be something, if I wanted to. I just want believe that I can succeed.

But, mostly I want to stop being haunted. It is one of the nags that has been occupying space in my brain for too long. I have done the best I can to postpone it, to muffle it, to ignore it, but the ghost of pitiful Tiffany past, is dying to be unshackled from the chains of self-doubt and self-limitation. She must be put to peace. I have to get my Ba to stop being haunted by it. I knew haunting would one day turn to drive, and then ultimately turn into enthusiasm. I've been waiting for the enthusiasm to do it, and I finally found it! It took me a long time to want to finish my BA--but now I'm so excited! I know I can do this--that is such a great thing to be able to say! The conquest is somewhat diminshed when I admit that my return to school will still be from the comforts of my own computer. Oh well! I still feel like super woman!

I have great, hilarious, interesting, kids.

Hurricane Ruby

Blogging has gone way, way down on my priority list. But, since it is my only source for journaling, scrapbooking, and generally recording the history of my little family, I had to do a post. I have to record the toddlerhood of my little Ruby. She will only be 2 once--THANK GOODNESS! She is adorable, hilarious, talkative, independent, full of personality, and a complete TERROR! Maybe I'm not remembering completely, but I'm pretty sure she is my hardest toddler yet. I have had to put up a baby gate to block off my kitchen and front room, I've had to resort to locking the bathroom (because she would play with the toilet brush, play in the toilet bowl, or get in the bath and turn on the water if she got the chance), I've had to put child locks on all dresser drawers because she was using them to climb up on top of the dressers and up on TV stands, and if she is quiet for 10 minutes I have to immediately find her because she is almost ALWAYS doing something mischevious. I will need to repaint several of my rooms because she has colored all over them--to the point that Mr. Clean magic eraser can no longer save them. But, I think I will wait to repaint until she's at least 3!;)

She got a hold of an open bottle of baby powder (that was on the top of my tallest dresser) and showered two bedrooms with it. That was several months ago and I STILL see baby powder show up on our ceiling fans.

Oh yes, and she also never sleeps. She stays up until after 10pm every night and ends up coming into my bed by 5am every morning. I don't even know how to stop that. She shares a room with her 2 brothers, so I do whatever it takes to keep at least 2 out of 3 children asleep! It is wac-a-mole every night.

But, Ruby is also adorable. She worships her Daddy. Every time he walks through the door she runs up to him, hugs him and YELLS "I missed you Daddy!"

She also just loves to hang with her brothers. She loves to run, swordfight, jump off of furniture, and do anything and everything they can do. She loves to play in the "snowmam," as she calls it (snow.)

And my favorite Ruby-ism, is when she runs up to someone and says "Hi, it's me Ruby!" Today she ran into the chapel where my husband was already sitting in a bench and she yelled "Hi Daddy it's me Ruby!"

Yes she's a terror, but she is funny and adorable! I am trying to enjoy her, because I'm sure someday I will look back and miss this funny little toddler, someday when she's a teenager and doesn't want anything to do with me. But, at least when she's a teenager she won't be splashing in the toilet bowl.