Musings...

This is going to be an entry for me, since I can't imagine anyone reads it since I haven't updated for 9 or maybe it has been 10 months. I hope to get back into it soon. But, tonight it's just one of those blog posts that is like a journal entry. It is almost 1am and I can't sleep, despite the fact that I just took an additional 1/2 ambien to add to my first ambien. Hoping it kicks in anytime. So, if this post suddenly gets really strange or just ends abruptly, it's the ambien factor.

Anyway, for those few close friends that I would really love to stay in touch with, whose blogs I used to follow religiously (talking to you Anne and Amy) , and whom I am sure checked daily in the hopes that I might have posted something, despite being disappointed day after day. I'm going to talk about my life. You know that's why you are are, so I'm not even going to pretend to be modest. Oh, I guess, people come for the pictures of the kids too, so maybe I will throw one in later.

I just feel so pumped about the future. That sounds cheesey, but seriously pumped! I feel like a woman that I didn't know was in me! I have spent the last year waking up at 5:30am to work a job for $8/hr 20 hours a week. And I did my job well. I didn't I could be that person. It has boosted my confidence so much--knowing that I am competent and capable and can handle a lot more than I have given myself credit for.

I was a single mother of 3 for 6 months--it sucked, but it certainly proved I was stronger than I thought.

It was just time to say--I'm done making excuses for why I didn't finish my BA degree 24 credits shy of graduating. I just didn't believe I could handle it and motherhood simultaneously. I can do this!

Now, it isn't even about the BA degree. I don't actually think it will notably change my life right now. But, it HAUNTS me. This ghost of a girl who got in a car accident and slowly began dropping classes, giving up, being sick all the time, losing any ability to dream big, afraid to be unable to meet any expectations, in too much pain to care about a diploma, just all around believe that she was sick, and weak, and incapable. For 10 years that ghost has haunted me, and I am done being haunted. There are noble reasons that I have put this all off, but it was all because of fear.

I just don't want the fear to win. It is not that I am wanting to be something more than a stay-at-home Mom. It's wanting to believe that I actually COULD accomplish something or be something, if I wanted to. I just want believe that I can succeed.

But, mostly I want to stop being haunted. It is one of the nags that has been occupying space in my brain for too long. I have done the best I can to postpone it, to muffle it, to ignore it, but the ghost of pitiful Tiffany past, is dying to be unshackled from the chains of self-doubt and self-limitation. She must be put to peace. I have to get my Ba to stop being haunted by it. I knew haunting would one day turn to drive, and then ultimately turn into enthusiasm. I've been waiting for the enthusiasm to do it, and I finally found it! It took me a long time to want to finish my BA--but now I'm so excited! I know I can do this--that is such a great thing to be able to say! The conquest is somewhat diminshed when I admit that my return to school will still be from the comforts of my own computer. Oh well! I still feel like super woman!

I have great, hilarious, interesting, kids.

Hurricane Ruby

Blogging has gone way, way down on my priority list. But, since it is my only source for journaling, scrapbooking, and generally recording the history of my little family, I had to do a post. I have to record the toddlerhood of my little Ruby. She will only be 2 once--THANK GOODNESS! She is adorable, hilarious, talkative, independent, full of personality, and a complete TERROR! Maybe I'm not remembering completely, but I'm pretty sure she is my hardest toddler yet. I have had to put up a baby gate to block off my kitchen and front room, I've had to resort to locking the bathroom (because she would play with the toilet brush, play in the toilet bowl, or get in the bath and turn on the water if she got the chance), I've had to put child locks on all dresser drawers because she was using them to climb up on top of the dressers and up on TV stands, and if she is quiet for 10 minutes I have to immediately find her because she is almost ALWAYS doing something mischevious. I will need to repaint several of my rooms because she has colored all over them--to the point that Mr. Clean magic eraser can no longer save them. But, I think I will wait to repaint until she's at least 3!;)

She got a hold of an open bottle of baby powder (that was on the top of my tallest dresser) and showered two bedrooms with it. That was several months ago and I STILL see baby powder show up on our ceiling fans.

Oh yes, and she also never sleeps. She stays up until after 10pm every night and ends up coming into my bed by 5am every morning. I don't even know how to stop that. She shares a room with her 2 brothers, so I do whatever it takes to keep at least 2 out of 3 children asleep! It is wac-a-mole every night.

But, Ruby is also adorable. She worships her Daddy. Every time he walks through the door she runs up to him, hugs him and YELLS "I missed you Daddy!"

She also just loves to hang with her brothers. She loves to run, swordfight, jump off of furniture, and do anything and everything they can do. She loves to play in the "snowmam," as she calls it (snow.)

And my favorite Ruby-ism, is when she runs up to someone and says "Hi, it's me Ruby!" Today she ran into the chapel where my husband was already sitting in a bench and she yelled "Hi Daddy it's me Ruby!"

Yes she's a terror, but she is funny and adorable! I am trying to enjoy her, because I'm sure someday I will look back and miss this funny little toddler, someday when she's a teenager and doesn't want anything to do with me. But, at least when she's a teenager she won't be splashing in the toilet bowl.

My Dross to Consume

I know I complained a bunch in my last post, but so far things are not going a whole lot better. I am still very busy and very stressed. I don't feel like myself these days. I am just so tired of being so so tired. Know what I mean? It has been one of the hardest years of my life, and October was, perhaps the hardest month of the year so far.

I am trying to work, help my best friend while her baby is in the hospital, take care of the usual menial labors of life and housework, pinch pennies until they actually scream, perfect my husband's resume, apply for jobs, (ideally) exercise occasionally so I can stop my mysterious weight gain, all while trying to stay positive and not become completely overwhelmed and freaked out about our future. The staying positive part is especially daunting. I feel like I am doing everything that needs to be done, but not managing to do it cheerfully. I hate feeling like I am cranky all the time. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling like I am yelling at my kids too much. I hate fighting with my husband. I hate bawling until my face hurts. But, unfortunately, I have been doing all of that more than I would like to admit.

And yet, I just gotta get back up at 5:30am and keep on keepin' on. I just have to complain about it every once in awhile. I don't know what it is, but there is something cathartic about admitting in public (or semi-public since it's on my blog and I have no idea if anyone really reads it) that I don't really have it all together. I am trying to be superwoman and failing miserably. Oh well, at least I'm trying, right?

I am so grateful that my husband is home, even under less than ideal circumstances. He is confident that something will work out and that he will find a job, even if it isn't a dream job, but I am getting a little scared. It has been harder than I thought to find him gainful employment. So, I ask anyone who reads this to please keep him in mind if you know of any positions that could benefit from an experienced operations manager and/or electrician.


I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, because what my best friend is going through, with a new baby in the hospital who unfortunately has to undergo a 3rd surgery, is far more painful and important than my little annoyances. I feel so grateful that I can help her in some way. It is a gift to serve her, not a burden. It is probably the best thing for me right now!

I understand that all these things can, in some way or another, work together for my good. My new "theme song" is a verse from "How Firm a Foundation":


"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design

Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,

Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."



I just have to keep reminding myself that His grace is sufficient. If I stay faithful, if I can be filled with hope in Christ, if I can turn to the Lord more fully, He will use all of this to draw me nearer to Him. Sometimes it is hard to keep having faith and hope. Sometimes I even get a little upset with the Lord, I admit it. I question Him. I ask Him why, when I am trying to follow the spirit, things are still not working out (at least as far as I can see.) And I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to question Him. He wants to shake me a little bit, the Lord is not threatened by questioning--in fact, it provides Him the perfect opportunity to give answers. I am still looking for answers. But, one thing is for sure, I am certainly not indifferent right now. I am not complaisant. I am not overly secure in the arm of flesh. So, I know this is a perfect time for my dross to be consumed. . . .it's just very scary being in the midst of the fiery flame sometimes.

Poor Neglected 3rd child's birthday!

In the first week of October I dealt with starting a new work from home job, my best friend's major crisis, my husband returning home after 6 months away, one major emotional breakdown (at a yoga class, in fact), and my baby girl's 2nd birthday. I needed to help my best friend a lot, and I didn't want to celebrate Ruby's birthday until her Daddy came back anyway, and the truth is I didn't even do anything for her on the day of her birthday. It has just been so insane around here in the last month or so that my poor baby girl kind of got the shaft. I was just waiting for Mike to come back and then we just got so busy that we didn't get around to doing anything until about 2 weeks later. And even then, it wasn't anything too exciting.

I am a 3rd child myself, so I am beginning to understand a lot of things about my childhood that I never understood before. It's not that I love my sweet baby any less, it's just that life gets crazier and crazier and crazier. It's not her fault that she is a 3rd child or that her birthday happened to fall during one of the most insane weeks of my life. I thought Mike would want to make a fantastic cake for baby girl (like the lightsaber cake or fire truck cake he made for the boys), but apparently he is not as inspired by girlie stuff. Or maybe he was just exhausted after a very long summer. So, 2 weeks later we made a chocolate cake, threw some sprinkles on it, and called it good.

Ruby is SUCH a 2 year old. She is starting to be insanely difficult about taking naps or going to bed. She is cute, but oh man she makes me CRAZY! Here are a few quintessential Ruby moments of the past month or so:

She won't stay in her bed, but it is not uncommon for me to find her FINALLY passed out on the floor somewhere. It is often at awful times, like a nap at 6pm or bedtime at 11pm. I tried to Supernanny her little behind, but I am no match for the power of 2 year old stubborness.

My house is very small and I have all 3 kids in one room. It is like wac-a-mole at bedtime, they all keep each other up. So, I actually thought it was pretty great that these two snuggled up together and Nick helped Ruby calm down and fall asleep.
This was the welcome home baby girl gave her Daddy. Even after not seeing Daddy for 6 months, she was very, very attached to him. I was amazed. I didn't think toddlers had that kind of memory. But, she hugged him like this the second she saw him and wouldn't let go for about an hour. She followed Mike around constantly for about 3 days and cried whenever he left the house. I think she has finally realized that he isn't leaving again, so she is letting up a little.

I wish I could say that the craziness is over, but that's not entirely true. I take Sheree's kids twice a week so she can go be at the hospital for most of the day. Also, I am working at home every morning at 5:30am. Mike is trying to find a job and I am trying not to stress about it. But, no matter how crazy and stressful life is, it is DEFINITELY better with my husband. I can handle everything better with my strength, my partner, and my comic relief by my side every day.

Life, Love, & Hope

Here is an update on my best friend and her baby. Many of you are filled with compassion and concern for her, and although you may not know Sheree personally, if you are a mother you will undoubtedly be able to sympathize with her and understand the love she has for her baby and the heartache she is feeling right now.

Click on the link to go to Sheree's blog. I am updating it for her right now and I will try to keep everyone up to date on the latest developments. If you want to leave comments for her and her family, I will be sure she receives them.

www.shereerussell.blogspot.com/2010/10/life-love-hope.html

One Woman's Trial is Another Woman's Blessing

This post is dedicated to my sister Jessica and her 7 kids. Poor Jess came to visit for a few weeks, and unfortunately for her it turned into a few months. The army has put Jess and her family through the ringer these last few months. Oh the helplessness and frustration created by government bureaucracy! So, Jessica's husband had to leave and report for duty in Korea without her and the kids. It has been a nightmare for her, and while I feel badly for her, it has been a HUGE blessing for me.

Since me and my sister have both been husbandless, we have been able to hang out a lot and be each other's support system. It also helps that she has 3 older children that have helped me a lot with babysitting. Also, Jess and her family are about the most adventurous family I know! They are a party all the time! My kids LOVE and adore their cousins. We have had more Michael
Jackson dance parties and ninja/transformer/lightsaber fights than I can count!


Jess and her family have truly been the highlight of my summer! It is a difficult time for both of us, but we have also made some awesome memories together. We've made the best of our bad situations. And while I hope it's not my fault, sometimes I wonder if the Lord kept the family from getting to go to Korea with their Dad just so they could bless my life and the lives of my children!

Here are some more of our good times with cousins:

Our adventures in Salt Lake City

Salt Lake Temple East Entrance

Church History Museum

Liberty Park

Bonfire and Hide and go seek up Provo Canyon

Sibling Bonding

Petting Zoo at "This is the Place" park. (I think she'll be ready to mutton bust by next year!)

Pulling a ridiculously heavy handcart (and that's with nothing but one kid in it.) It only took me 3 minutes of pulling it uphill to once again be filled with admiration for the pioneers.

"This is the Place" park was awesome! (It was particularly awesome with my sister's military discount!)

For being such a crappy summer (since Mike is gone) it sure was an awesome summer! I am so grateful for my family. I have a special place in my heart for my big sister. It almost makes me wish Ruby could have a sister. . . . .(but not quite!)

The Annual Problem

In the words of Phineas and Ferb, "There's 104 of summer vacation then school comes along just to end it, so the annual problem of [their] generation is finding a good way to spend it."

We've been trying really hard to find a good way to spend our summer vacation. With Mike gone this summer, time has really slowed down. I have been trying to stay busy, and it has gotten a lot more busy and more exciting since my big sister, Jessica and her 7 kids came to town. She has been such a blessing, she came just when I needed her most!!

Despite it feeling like a very long, slow (and lonely) summer, we have had a few high points. Time slowing to a crawl kind of reminds me of what it's like when I'm pregnant. . .but, my current situation is still way better than being pregnant! At least this way when I am bored and trying to stay busy and distracted, I have the physical capacity to actually do fun stuff.

Here are some highlights:

Our day boating at Deer Creek was awesome! I really need friends with a boat, so I can do that more often. It was so therapeutic and the kids loved it, too.
I know I am so pale it is hard to look directly at this picture. But, it was a big moment for me. After several failed attempts I actually got up and wake surfed. . . .for a glorious 30 seconds!;)

So nice to have an extra set of hands to help with the Tiny Terror!

BYU Bean Museum--always a hit!

One of many park days with cousins.

Upper Provo River Falls

The whole entourage!

I tried to keep her out of the water, but to no avail. (Ruby, not Grandma. ;)

Mirror Lake

She's the Queen of the World!

He's still got a smile on his face. . .even after falling in the Falls and getting soaked and walking around Mirror Lake without any pants! What a trooper!

Thank you Jess and kids for sharing so many good times with us. You guys are always a party wherever you go. I can't wait for our next adventure. Is tomorrow good for you? ;)