Hurricane Ruby

Blogging has gone way, way down on my priority list. But, since it is my only source for journaling, scrapbooking, and generally recording the history of my little family, I had to do a post. I have to record the toddlerhood of my little Ruby. She will only be 2 once--THANK GOODNESS! She is adorable, hilarious, talkative, independent, full of personality, and a complete TERROR! Maybe I'm not remembering completely, but I'm pretty sure she is my hardest toddler yet. I have had to put up a baby gate to block off my kitchen and front room, I've had to resort to locking the bathroom (because she would play with the toilet brush, play in the toilet bowl, or get in the bath and turn on the water if she got the chance), I've had to put child locks on all dresser drawers because she was using them to climb up on top of the dressers and up on TV stands, and if she is quiet for 10 minutes I have to immediately find her because she is almost ALWAYS doing something mischevious. I will need to repaint several of my rooms because she has colored all over them--to the point that Mr. Clean magic eraser can no longer save them. But, I think I will wait to repaint until she's at least 3!;)

She got a hold of an open bottle of baby powder (that was on the top of my tallest dresser) and showered two bedrooms with it. That was several months ago and I STILL see baby powder show up on our ceiling fans.

Oh yes, and she also never sleeps. She stays up until after 10pm every night and ends up coming into my bed by 5am every morning. I don't even know how to stop that. She shares a room with her 2 brothers, so I do whatever it takes to keep at least 2 out of 3 children asleep! It is wac-a-mole every night.

But, Ruby is also adorable. She worships her Daddy. Every time he walks through the door she runs up to him, hugs him and YELLS "I missed you Daddy!"

She also just loves to hang with her brothers. She loves to run, swordfight, jump off of furniture, and do anything and everything they can do. She loves to play in the "snowmam," as she calls it (snow.)

And my favorite Ruby-ism, is when she runs up to someone and says "Hi, it's me Ruby!" Today she ran into the chapel where my husband was already sitting in a bench and she yelled "Hi Daddy it's me Ruby!"

Yes she's a terror, but she is funny and adorable! I am trying to enjoy her, because I'm sure someday I will look back and miss this funny little toddler, someday when she's a teenager and doesn't want anything to do with me. But, at least when she's a teenager she won't be splashing in the toilet bowl.

My Dross to Consume

I know I complained a bunch in my last post, but so far things are not going a whole lot better. I am still very busy and very stressed. I don't feel like myself these days. I am just so tired of being so so tired. Know what I mean? It has been one of the hardest years of my life, and October was, perhaps the hardest month of the year so far.

I am trying to work, help my best friend while her baby is in the hospital, take care of the usual menial labors of life and housework, pinch pennies until they actually scream, perfect my husband's resume, apply for jobs, (ideally) exercise occasionally so I can stop my mysterious weight gain, all while trying to stay positive and not become completely overwhelmed and freaked out about our future. The staying positive part is especially daunting. I feel like I am doing everything that needs to be done, but not managing to do it cheerfully. I hate feeling like I am cranky all the time. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling like I am yelling at my kids too much. I hate fighting with my husband. I hate bawling until my face hurts. But, unfortunately, I have been doing all of that more than I would like to admit.

And yet, I just gotta get back up at 5:30am and keep on keepin' on. I just have to complain about it every once in awhile. I don't know what it is, but there is something cathartic about admitting in public (or semi-public since it's on my blog and I have no idea if anyone really reads it) that I don't really have it all together. I am trying to be superwoman and failing miserably. Oh well, at least I'm trying, right?

I am so grateful that my husband is home, even under less than ideal circumstances. He is confident that something will work out and that he will find a job, even if it isn't a dream job, but I am getting a little scared. It has been harder than I thought to find him gainful employment. So, I ask anyone who reads this to please keep him in mind if you know of any positions that could benefit from an experienced operations manager and/or electrician.


I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, because what my best friend is going through, with a new baby in the hospital who unfortunately has to undergo a 3rd surgery, is far more painful and important than my little annoyances. I feel so grateful that I can help her in some way. It is a gift to serve her, not a burden. It is probably the best thing for me right now!

I understand that all these things can, in some way or another, work together for my good. My new "theme song" is a verse from "How Firm a Foundation":


"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design

Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,

Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."



I just have to keep reminding myself that His grace is sufficient. If I stay faithful, if I can be filled with hope in Christ, if I can turn to the Lord more fully, He will use all of this to draw me nearer to Him. Sometimes it is hard to keep having faith and hope. Sometimes I even get a little upset with the Lord, I admit it. I question Him. I ask Him why, when I am trying to follow the spirit, things are still not working out (at least as far as I can see.) And I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to question Him. He wants to shake me a little bit, the Lord is not threatened by questioning--in fact, it provides Him the perfect opportunity to give answers. I am still looking for answers. But, one thing is for sure, I am certainly not indifferent right now. I am not complaisant. I am not overly secure in the arm of flesh. So, I know this is a perfect time for my dross to be consumed. . . .it's just very scary being in the midst of the fiery flame sometimes.

Poor Neglected 3rd child's birthday!

In the first week of October I dealt with starting a new work from home job, my best friend's major crisis, my husband returning home after 6 months away, one major emotional breakdown (at a yoga class, in fact), and my baby girl's 2nd birthday. I needed to help my best friend a lot, and I didn't want to celebrate Ruby's birthday until her Daddy came back anyway, and the truth is I didn't even do anything for her on the day of her birthday. It has just been so insane around here in the last month or so that my poor baby girl kind of got the shaft. I was just waiting for Mike to come back and then we just got so busy that we didn't get around to doing anything until about 2 weeks later. And even then, it wasn't anything too exciting.

I am a 3rd child myself, so I am beginning to understand a lot of things about my childhood that I never understood before. It's not that I love my sweet baby any less, it's just that life gets crazier and crazier and crazier. It's not her fault that she is a 3rd child or that her birthday happened to fall during one of the most insane weeks of my life. I thought Mike would want to make a fantastic cake for baby girl (like the lightsaber cake or fire truck cake he made for the boys), but apparently he is not as inspired by girlie stuff. Or maybe he was just exhausted after a very long summer. So, 2 weeks later we made a chocolate cake, threw some sprinkles on it, and called it good.

Ruby is SUCH a 2 year old. She is starting to be insanely difficult about taking naps or going to bed. She is cute, but oh man she makes me CRAZY! Here are a few quintessential Ruby moments of the past month or so:

She won't stay in her bed, but it is not uncommon for me to find her FINALLY passed out on the floor somewhere. It is often at awful times, like a nap at 6pm or bedtime at 11pm. I tried to Supernanny her little behind, but I am no match for the power of 2 year old stubborness.

My house is very small and I have all 3 kids in one room. It is like wac-a-mole at bedtime, they all keep each other up. So, I actually thought it was pretty great that these two snuggled up together and Nick helped Ruby calm down and fall asleep.
This was the welcome home baby girl gave her Daddy. Even after not seeing Daddy for 6 months, she was very, very attached to him. I was amazed. I didn't think toddlers had that kind of memory. But, she hugged him like this the second she saw him and wouldn't let go for about an hour. She followed Mike around constantly for about 3 days and cried whenever he left the house. I think she has finally realized that he isn't leaving again, so she is letting up a little.

I wish I could say that the craziness is over, but that's not entirely true. I take Sheree's kids twice a week so she can go be at the hospital for most of the day. Also, I am working at home every morning at 5:30am. Mike is trying to find a job and I am trying not to stress about it. But, no matter how crazy and stressful life is, it is DEFINITELY better with my husband. I can handle everything better with my strength, my partner, and my comic relief by my side every day.

Life, Love, & Hope

Here is an update on my best friend and her baby. Many of you are filled with compassion and concern for her, and although you may not know Sheree personally, if you are a mother you will undoubtedly be able to sympathize with her and understand the love she has for her baby and the heartache she is feeling right now.

Click on the link to go to Sheree's blog. I am updating it for her right now and I will try to keep everyone up to date on the latest developments. If you want to leave comments for her and her family, I will be sure she receives them.

www.shereerussell.blogspot.com/2010/10/life-love-hope.html

One Woman's Trial is Another Woman's Blessing

This post is dedicated to my sister Jessica and her 7 kids. Poor Jess came to visit for a few weeks, and unfortunately for her it turned into a few months. The army has put Jess and her family through the ringer these last few months. Oh the helplessness and frustration created by government bureaucracy! So, Jessica's husband had to leave and report for duty in Korea without her and the kids. It has been a nightmare for her, and while I feel badly for her, it has been a HUGE blessing for me.

Since me and my sister have both been husbandless, we have been able to hang out a lot and be each other's support system. It also helps that she has 3 older children that have helped me a lot with babysitting. Also, Jess and her family are about the most adventurous family I know! They are a party all the time! My kids LOVE and adore their cousins. We have had more Michael
Jackson dance parties and ninja/transformer/lightsaber fights than I can count!


Jess and her family have truly been the highlight of my summer! It is a difficult time for both of us, but we have also made some awesome memories together. We've made the best of our bad situations. And while I hope it's not my fault, sometimes I wonder if the Lord kept the family from getting to go to Korea with their Dad just so they could bless my life and the lives of my children!

Here are some more of our good times with cousins:

Our adventures in Salt Lake City

Salt Lake Temple East Entrance

Church History Museum

Liberty Park

Bonfire and Hide and go seek up Provo Canyon

Sibling Bonding

Petting Zoo at "This is the Place" park. (I think she'll be ready to mutton bust by next year!)

Pulling a ridiculously heavy handcart (and that's with nothing but one kid in it.) It only took me 3 minutes of pulling it uphill to once again be filled with admiration for the pioneers.

"This is the Place" park was awesome! (It was particularly awesome with my sister's military discount!)

For being such a crappy summer (since Mike is gone) it sure was an awesome summer! I am so grateful for my family. I have a special place in my heart for my big sister. It almost makes me wish Ruby could have a sister. . . . .(but not quite!)

The Annual Problem

In the words of Phineas and Ferb, "There's 104 of summer vacation then school comes along just to end it, so the annual problem of [their] generation is finding a good way to spend it."

We've been trying really hard to find a good way to spend our summer vacation. With Mike gone this summer, time has really slowed down. I have been trying to stay busy, and it has gotten a lot more busy and more exciting since my big sister, Jessica and her 7 kids came to town. She has been such a blessing, she came just when I needed her most!!

Despite it feeling like a very long, slow (and lonely) summer, we have had a few high points. Time slowing to a crawl kind of reminds me of what it's like when I'm pregnant. . .but, my current situation is still way better than being pregnant! At least this way when I am bored and trying to stay busy and distracted, I have the physical capacity to actually do fun stuff.

Here are some highlights:

Our day boating at Deer Creek was awesome! I really need friends with a boat, so I can do that more often. It was so therapeutic and the kids loved it, too.
I know I am so pale it is hard to look directly at this picture. But, it was a big moment for me. After several failed attempts I actually got up and wake surfed. . . .for a glorious 30 seconds!;)

So nice to have an extra set of hands to help with the Tiny Terror!

BYU Bean Museum--always a hit!

One of many park days with cousins.

Upper Provo River Falls

The whole entourage!

I tried to keep her out of the water, but to no avail. (Ruby, not Grandma. ;)

Mirror Lake

She's the Queen of the World!

He's still got a smile on his face. . .even after falling in the Falls and getting soaked and walking around Mirror Lake without any pants! What a trooper!

Thank you Jess and kids for sharing so many good times with us. You guys are always a party wherever you go. I can't wait for our next adventure. Is tomorrow good for you? ;)

If You Really Knew Me. . .

I just watched a new MTV show called "If you really knew me." It was for high school kids to learn to set aside their biases and judgments about each other, and realize that they were a lot more alike than they were different from one another. Yes, high school is probably the worst, what with cliques and all, and it gets better as you get older. But, I still think we are all constantly assessing and judging each other. Some of it is unavoidable, you have to make certain judgments about people just for your own safety and well-being, but I think that sometimes the judgments we make about each other can alienate us from each other. The older I get, the more I've realized that just like those high schoolers on MTV, most of humankind are more alike than they are different. Sometimes we aren't even judging others negatively, sometimes we compare ourselves to others and put ourselves on the lower end of the evaluation, but it still alienates us from them. I think women do it so much. We can look at every other woman and talk about all the great things they have going on--their beauty, their exercise routine, their job, their house, their hours spent volunteering in their child's classroom, their cooking, their craft projects, their neat, perfectly coiffed children, etc. etc. and only feel more inadequate about the things we, ourselves, are lacking. But, the more women I TRULY get to know, the ones I can call good friends, the more I realize that they are just like me. We never feel like we are doing, being, or achieving enough. We all get annoyed with our children, at least sometimes. We all are tormented by housekeeping (either obsessing too much about it, or feeling guilty for neglecting it so much,) we all wish certain body parts were smaller, and we are all trying to be righteous and do what the Lord wants us to do.

I'm usually pretty open on this blog about my issues and insecurities, so I think most of my friends have a realistic view of me, but just in case anyone is still under the misconception that I've got it together or under the misconception that I think I am better than anyone else. . .let's just clear that up.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I struggle with feeling ugly all the time, and I have since I was little. I always wish I were prettier.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I am the only one of my siblings who hasn't finished my college degree. In fact, they are all working on graduate degrees right now. I really don't know when, or if, I will finish.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I always feared that I would never get married.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I didn't really enjoy my kids as babies. I don't like babies, I thought nursing was horrible, I am SO DONE having babies.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I don't eat pork.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I am the least ambitious, and consequently, the biggest underachiever of all my siblings. I know my parents love me, but I always think they wish they had something more interesting to tell people about me and my life besides "Tiffany has 3 kids and lives just down the street."

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I wanted to be a TV news anchorwoman "when I grew up." But, I have a lisp, and thought that might be a problem.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I've always been afraid (sometimes downright paranoid) that my husband would cheat on me.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I wear the Victoria's Secret Miraculous push-up bra and that my breasts are at least 2 cup sizes smaller than they usually appear!;)

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I have wanted to write a book for years and still have not finished it.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I love my 2 sisters, but I also sometimes can't believe I am related to them because they are so different than me. They have become 2 of my closest friends, but they have also given me more grief over the years than all of my other friends combined.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I yell at my children more than I'd like to admit.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I have watched every season of "The Hills." I don't even know why, I think it's some sort of self-loathing behavior. ;)

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that being a good wife is what I care most about being. And I'm not talking about being a good cook or housekeeper, I mean really being everything my husband needs and wants me to be. I still think he is so incredible that he could probably do better than me, but I'm trying to be what I think is good enough for him.

And if I really knew you. . .
I imagine I would think you are more amazing than you even realize!