Breakfast, Lunch, & Life at Tiffany's

Musings...

2011-10-23T00:42:00.006-06:00

This is going to be an entry for me, since I can't imagine anyone reads it since I haven't updated for 9 or maybe it has been 10 months. I hope to get back into it soon. But, tonight it's just one of those blog posts that is like a journal entry. It is almost 1am and I can't sleep, despite the fact that I just took an additional 1/2 ambien to add to my first ambien. Hoping it kicks in anytime. So, if this post suddenly gets really strange or just ends abruptly, it's the ambien factor.

Anyway, for those few close friends that I would really love to stay in touch with, whose blogs I used to follow religiously (talking to you Anne and Amy) , and whom I am sure checked daily in the hopes that I might have posted something, despite being disappointed day after day. I'm going to talk about my life. You know that's why you are are, so I'm not even going to pretend to be modest. Oh, I guess, people come for the pictures of the kids too, so maybe I will throw one in later.

I just feel so pumped about the future. That sounds cheesey, but seriously pumped! I feel like a woman that I didn't know was in me! I have spent the last year waking up at 5:30am to work a job for $8/hr 20 hours a week. And I did my job well. I didn't I could be that person. It has boosted my confidence so much--knowing that I am competent and capable and can handle a lot more than I have given myself credit for.

I was a single mother of 3 for 6 months--it sucked, but it certainly proved I was stronger than I thought.

It was just time to say--I'm done making excuses for why I didn't finish my BA degree 24 credits shy of graduating. I just didn't believe I could handle it and motherhood simultaneously. I can do this!

Now, it isn't even about the BA degree. I don't actually think it will notably change my life right now. But, it HAUNTS me. This ghost of a girl who got in a car accident and slowly began dropping classes, giving up, being sick all the time, losing any ability to dream big, afraid to be unable to meet any expectations, in too much pain to care about a diploma, just all around believe that she was sick, and weak, and incapable. For 10 years that ghost has haunted me, and I am done being haunted. There are noble reasons that I have put this all off, but it was all because of fear.

I just don't want the fear to win. It is not that I am wanting to be something more than a stay-at-home Mom. It's wanting to believe that I actually COULD accomplish something or be something, if I wanted to. I just want believe that I can succeed.

But, mostly I want to stop being haunted. It is one of the nags that has been occupying space in my brain for too long. I have done the best I can to postpone it, to muffle it, to ignore it, but the ghost of pitiful Tiffany past, is dying to be unshackled from the chains of self-doubt and self-limitation. She must be put to peace. I have to get my Ba to stop being haunted by it. I knew haunting would one day turn to drive, and then ultimately turn into enthusiasm. I've been waiting for the enthusiasm to do it, and I finally found it! It took me a long time to want to finish my BA--but now I'm so excited! I know I can do this--that is such a great thing to be able to say! The conquest is somewhat diminshed when I admit that my return to school will still be from the comforts of my own computer. Oh well! I still feel like super woman!

I have great, hilarious, interesting, kids.

Hurricane Ruby

2011-01-09T19:21:00.008-07:00

Blogging has gone way, way down on my priority list. But, since it is my only source for journaling, scrapbooking, and generally recording the history of my little family, I had to do a post. I have to record the toddlerhood of my little Ruby. She will only be 2 once--THANK GOODNESS! She is adorable, hilarious, talkative, independent, full of personality, and a complete TERROR! Maybe I'm not remembering completely, but I'm pretty sure she is my hardest toddler yet. I have had to put up a baby gate to block off my kitchen and front room, I've had to resort to locking the bathroom (because she would play with the toilet brush, play in the toilet bowl, or get in the bath and turn on the water if she got the chance), I've had to put child locks on all dresser drawers because she was using them to climb up on top of the dressers and up on TV stands, and if she is quiet for 10 minutes I have to immediately find her because she is almost ALWAYS doing something mischevious. I will need to repaint several of my rooms because she has colored all over them--to the point that Mr. Clean magic eraser can no longer save them. But, I think I will wait to repaint until she's at least 3!;)

She got a hold of an open bottle of baby powder (that was on the top of my tallest dresser) and showered two bedrooms with it. That was several months ago and I STILL see baby powder show up on our ceiling fans.

Oh yes, and she also never sleeps. She stays up until after 10pm every night and ends up coming into my bed by 5am every morning. I don't even know how to stop that. She shares a room with her 2 brothers, so I do whatever it takes to keep at least 2 out of 3 children asleep! It is wac-a-mole every night.

But, Ruby is also adorable. She worships her Daddy. Every time he walks through the door she runs up to him, hugs him and YELLS "I missed you Daddy!"

She also just loves to hang with her brothers. She loves to run, swordfight, jump off of furniture, and do anything and everything they can do. She loves to play in the "snowmam," as she calls it (snow.)

And my favorite Ruby-ism, is when she runs up to someone and says "Hi, it's me Ruby!" Today she ran into the chapel where my husband was already sitting in a bench and she yelled "Hi Daddy it's me Ruby!"

Yes she's a terror, but she is funny and adorable! I am trying to enjoy her, because I'm sure someday I will look back and miss this funny little toddler, someday when she's a teenager and doesn't want anything to do with me. But, at least when she's a teenager she won't be splashing in the toilet bowl.

My Dross to Consume

2010-11-05T21:22:00.004-06:00

I know I complained a bunch in my last post, but so far things are not going a whole lot better. I am still very busy and very stressed. I don't feel like myself these days. I am just so tired of being so so tired. Know what I mean? It has been one of the hardest years of my life, and October was, perhaps the hardest month of the year so far.

I am trying to work, help my best friend while her baby is in the hospital, take care of the usual menial labors of life and housework, pinch pennies until they actually scream, perfect my husband's resume, apply for jobs, (ideally) exercise occasionally so I can stop my mysterious weight gain, all while trying to stay positive and not become completely overwhelmed and freaked out about our future. The staying positive part is especially daunting. I feel like I am doing everything that needs to be done, but not managing to do it cheerfully. I hate feeling like I am cranky all the time. I hate feeling fat. I hate feeling like I am yelling at my kids too much. I hate fighting with my husband. I hate bawling until my face hurts. But, unfortunately, I have been doing all of that more than I would like to admit.

And yet, I just gotta get back up at 5:30am and keep on keepin' on. I just have to complain about it every once in awhile. I don't know what it is, but there is something cathartic about admitting in public (or semi-public since it's on my blog and I have no idea if anyone really reads it) that I don't really have it all together. I am trying to be superwoman and failing miserably. Oh well, at least I'm trying, right?

I am so grateful that my husband is home, even under less than ideal circumstances. He is confident that something will work out and that he will find a job, even if it isn't a dream job, but I am getting a little scared. It has been harder than I thought to find him gainful employment. So, I ask anyone who reads this to please keep him in mind if you know of any positions that could benefit from an experienced operations manager and/or electrician.

I am trying not to feel sorry for myself, because what my best friend is going through, with a new baby in the hospital who unfortunately has to undergo a 3rd surgery, is far more painful and important than my little annoyances. I feel so grateful that I can help her in some way. It is a gift to serve her, not a burden. It is probably the best thing for me right now!

I understand that all these things can, in some way or another, work together for my good. My new "theme song" is a verse from "How Firm a Foundation":

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.

The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design

Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,

Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."

I just have to keep reminding myself that His grace is sufficient. If I stay faithful, if I can be filled with hope in Christ, if I can turn to the Lord more fully, He will use all of this to draw me nearer to Him. Sometimes it is hard to keep having faith and hope. Sometimes I even get a little upset with the Lord, I admit it. I question Him. I ask Him why, when I am trying to follow the spirit, things are still not working out (at least as far as I can see.) And I have come to the conclusion that it is okay to question Him. He wants to shake me a little bit, the Lord is not threatened by questioning--in fact, it provides Him the perfect opportunity to give answers. I am still looking for answers. But, one thing is for sure, I am certainly not indifferent right now. I am not complaisant. I am not overly secure in the arm of flesh. So, I know this is a perfect time for my dross to be consumed. . . .it's just very scary being in the midst of the fiery flame sometimes.

Poor Neglected 3rd child's birthday!

2010-10-20T20:44:00.004-06:00

In the first week of October I dealt with starting a new work from home job, my best friend's major crisis, my husband returning home after 6 months away, one major emotional breakdown (at a yoga class, in fact), and my baby girl's 2nd birthday. I needed to help my best friend a lot, and I didn't want to celebrate Ruby's birthday until her Daddy came back anyway, and the truth is I didn't even do anything for her on the day of her birthday. It has just been so insane around here in the last month or so that my poor baby girl kind of got the shaft. I was just waiting for Mike to come back and then we just got so busy that we didn't get around to doing anything until about 2 weeks later. And even then, it wasn't anything too exciting.

I am a 3rd child myself, so I am beginning to understand a lot of things about my childhood that I never understood before. It's not that I love my sweet baby any less, it's just that life gets crazier and crazier and crazier. It's not her fault that she is a 3rd child or that her birthday happened to fall during one of the most insane weeks of my life. I thought Mike would want to make a fantastic cake for baby girl (like the lightsaber cake or fire truck cake he made for the boys), but apparently he is not as inspired by girlie stuff. Or maybe he was just exhausted after a very long summer. So, 2 weeks later we made a chocolate cake, threw some sprinkles on it, and called it good.

Ruby is SUCH a 2 year old. She is starting to be insanely difficult about taking naps or going to bed. She is cute, but oh man she makes me CRAZY! Here are a few quintessential Ruby moments of the past month or so:

She won't stay in her bed, but it is not uncommon for me to find her FINALLY passed out on the floor somewhere. It is often at awful times, like a nap at 6pm or bedtime at 11pm. I tried to Supernanny her little behind, but I am no match for the power of 2 year old stubborness.

My house is very small and I have all 3 kids in one room. It is like wac-a-mole at bedtime, they all keep each other up. So, I actually thought it was pretty great that these two snuggled up together and Nick helped Ruby calm down and fall asleep.
This was the welcome home baby girl gave her Daddy. Even after not seeing Daddy for 6 months, she was very, very attached to him. I was amazed. I didn't think toddlers had that kind of memory. But, she hugged him like this the second she saw him and wouldn't let go for about an hour. She followed Mike around constantly for about 3 days and cried whenever he left the house. I think she has finally realized that he isn't leaving again, so she is letting up a little.

I wish I could say that the craziness is over, but that's not entirely true. I take Sheree's kids twice a week so she can go be at the hospital for most of the day. Also, I am working at home every morning at 5:30am. Mike is trying to find a job and I am trying not to stress about it. But, no matter how crazy and stressful life is, it is DEFINITELY better with my husband. I can handle everything better with my strength, my partner, and my comic relief by my side every day.

Life, Love, & Hope

2010-10-07T19:16:00.002-06:00

Here is an update on my best friend and her baby. Many of you are filled with compassion and concern for her, and although you may not know Sheree personally, if you are a mother you will undoubtedly be able to sympathize with her and understand the love she has for her baby and the heartache she is feeling right now.

Click on the link to go to Sheree's blog. I am updating it for her right now and I will try to keep everyone up to date on the latest developments. If you want to leave comments for her and her family, I will be sure she receives them.

www.shereerussell.blogspot.com/2010/10/life-love-hope.html

One Woman's Trial is Another Woman's Blessing

2010-09-10T13:25:00.005-06:00

This post is dedicated to my sister Jessica and her 7 kids. Poor Jess came to visit for a few weeks, and unfortunately for her it turned into a few months. The army has put Jess and her family through the ringer these last few months. Oh the helplessness and frustration created by government bureaucracy! So, Jessica's husband had to leave and report for duty in Korea without her and the kids. It has been a nightmare for her, and while I feel badly for her, it has been a HUGE blessing for me.

Since me and my sister have both been husbandless, we have been able to hang out a lot and be each other's support system. It also helps that she has 3 older children that have helped me a lot with babysitting. Also, Jess and her family are about the most adventurous family I know! They are a party all the time! My kids LOVE and adore their cousins. We have had more Michael
Jackson dance parties and ninja/transformer/lightsaber fights than I can count!

Jess and her family have truly been the highlight of my summer! It is a difficult time for both of us, but we have also made some awesome memories together. We've made the best of our bad situations. And while I hope it's not my fault, sometimes I wonder if the Lord kept the family from getting to go to Korea with their Dad just so they could bless my life and the lives of my children!

Here are some more of our good times with cousins:

Our adventures in Salt Lake City

Salt Lake Temple East Entrance

Church History Museum

Liberty Park

Bonfire and Hide and go seek up Provo Canyon

Sibling Bonding

Petting Zoo at "This is the Place" park. (I think she'll be ready to mutton bust by next year!)

Pulling a ridiculously heavy handcart (and that's with nothing but one kid in it.) It only took me 3 minutes of pulling it uphill to once again be filled with admiration for the pioneers.

"This is the Place" park was awesome! (It was particularly awesome with my sister's military discount!)

For being such a crappy summer (since Mike is gone) it sure was an awesome summer! I am so grateful for my family. I have a special place in my heart for my big sister. It almost makes me wish Ruby could have a sister. . . . .(but not quite!)

The Annual Problem

2010-08-15T12:09:00.011-06:00

In the words of Phineas and Ferb, "There's 104 of summer vacation then school comes along just to end it, so the annual problem of [their] generation is finding a good way to spend it."

We've been trying really hard to find a good way to spend our summer vacation. With Mike gone this summer, time has really slowed down. I have been trying to stay busy, and it has gotten a lot more busy and more exciting since my big sister, Jessica and her 7 kids came to town. She has been such a blessing, she came just when I needed her most!!

Despite it feeling like a very long, slow (and lonely) summer, we have had a few high points. Time slowing to a crawl kind of reminds me of what it's like when I'm pregnant. . .but, my current situation is still way better than being pregnant! At least this way when I am bored and trying to stay busy and distracted, I have the physical capacity to actually do fun stuff.

Here are some highlights:

Our day boating at Deer Creek was awesome! I really need friends with a boat, so I can do that more often. It was so therapeutic and the kids loved it, too.
I know I am so pale it is hard to look directly at this picture. But, it was a big moment for me. After several failed attempts I actually got up and wake surfed. . . .for a glorious 30 seconds!;)

So nice to have an extra set of hands to help with the Tiny Terror!

BYU Bean Museum--always a hit!

One of many park days with cousins.

Upper Provo River Falls

The whole entourage!

I tried to keep her out of the water, but to no avail. (Ruby, not Grandma. ;)

Mirror Lake

She's the Queen of the World!

He's still got a smile on his face. . .even after falling in the Falls and getting soaked and walking around Mirror Lake without any pants! What a trooper!

Thank you Jess and kids for sharing so many good times with us. You guys are always a party wherever you go. I can't wait for our next adventure. Is tomorrow good for you? ;)

If You Really Knew Me. . .

2010-07-22T19:23:00.003-06:00

I just watched a new MTV show called "If you really knew me." It was for high school kids to learn to set aside their biases and judgments about each other, and realize that they were a lot more alike than they were different from one another. Yes, high school is probably the worst, what with cliques and all, and it gets better as you get older. But, I still think we are all constantly assessing and judging each other. Some of it is unavoidable, you have to make certain judgments about people just for your own safety and well-being, but I think that sometimes the judgments we make about each other can alienate us from each other. The older I get, the more I've realized that just like those high schoolers on MTV, most of humankind are more alike than they are different. Sometimes we aren't even judging others negatively, sometimes we compare ourselves to others and put ourselves on the lower end of the evaluation, but it still alienates us from them. I think women do it so much. We can look at every other woman and talk about all the great things they have going on--their beauty, their exercise routine, their job, their house, their hours spent volunteering in their child's classroom, their cooking, their craft projects, their neat, perfectly coiffed children, etc. etc. and only feel more inadequate about the things we, ourselves, are lacking. But, the more women I TRULY get to know, the ones I can call good friends, the more I realize that they are just like me. We never feel like we are doing, being, or achieving enough. We all get annoyed with our children, at least sometimes. We all are tormented by housekeeping (either obsessing too much about it, or feeling guilty for neglecting it so much,) we all wish certain body parts were smaller, and we are all trying to be righteous and do what the Lord wants us to do.

I'm usually pretty open on this blog about my issues and insecurities, so I think most of my friends have a realistic view of me, but just in case anyone is still under the misconception that I've got it together or under the misconception that I think I am better than anyone else. . .let's just clear that up.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I struggle with feeling ugly all the time, and I have since I was little. I always wish I were prettier.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I am the only one of my siblings who hasn't finished my college degree. In fact, they are all working on graduate degrees right now. I really don't know when, or if, I will finish.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I always feared that I would never get married.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I didn't really enjoy my kids as babies. I don't like babies, I thought nursing was horrible, I am SO DONE having babies.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I don't eat pork.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I am the least ambitious, and consequently, the biggest underachiever of all my siblings. I know my parents love me, but I always think they wish they had something more interesting to tell people about me and my life besides "Tiffany has 3 kids and lives just down the street."

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I wanted to be a TV news anchorwoman "when I grew up." But, I have a lisp, and thought that might be a problem.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I've always been afraid (sometimes downright paranoid) that my husband would cheat on me.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I wear the Victoria's Secret Miraculous push-up bra and that my breasts are at least 2 cup sizes smaller than they usually appear!;)

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I have wanted to write a book for years and still have not finished it.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I love my 2 sisters, but I also sometimes can't believe I am related to them because they are so different than me. They have become 2 of my closest friends, but they have also given me more grief over the years than all of my other friends combined.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I yell at my children more than I'd like to admit.

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that I have watched every season of "The Hills." I don't even know why, I think it's some sort of self-loathing behavior. ;)

If you really knew me. . .
You would know that being a good wife is what I care most about being. And I'm not talking about being a good cook or housekeeper, I mean really being everything my husband needs and wants me to be. I still think he is so incredible that he could probably do better than me, but I'm trying to be what I think is good enough for him.

And if I really knew you. . .
I imagine I would think you are more amazing than you even realize!

The Wonders of One-Handedness

2010-07-16T22:07:00.006-06:00

I mentioned on Facebook that Gavin had finally learned to ride a bike without training wheels, with a special handlebar made just for his nub. So, I had to document it and show pictures of the little contraption. It turned out to be quite simple, just a little pvc pipe and some foam padding. But, it was amazing! You see, I had tried several times to teach him to ride without his training wheels, and tried to get him to just lean over and hang on the best he could to the regular handlebars with his nub. It didn't work AT ALL! He wasn't making any progress, he wasn't balancing at all on his own, he was uncomfortable and frustrated, and I just felt completely helpless. But, with the help of someone a lot more engineer-minded than myself, we were able to adapt his bike for him.

I'm not usually one to cry when my children reach milestones, I definitely didn't cry when he first went to school, and I love watching them get older. . .but the first time he rode completely unassisted, I cried. It was such a triumph!

You see, lately I have been feeling really inadequate in my abililty to help him with his particular challenges. Most of his life I have approached it as, "you can do what everyone else is doing, just find a way to make it work." For the most part, he has taken much of the initiative to figure things out for himself. So, I haven't had to give him special treatment. But, he is at a particularly delicate age when all of his friends are starting to get skills that are much more difficult for him. So, in some ways he's a little bit behind. His friends are learning to ride bikes without training wheels, climb across the monkey bars, tie their own shoes, swim unassisted, and Gavin is struggling to keep up. I don't want to say, "You can't do that, because you only have one hand." But, I have had to start, really for the first time, saying, "this is going to be a bit more challenging for you, and it may take a little more time to get it." It is also difficult for me because I don't really know how to help him. I have NO idea how to teach him to tie his shoes with one hand. I have tried to teach him how to tie, and tried to figure out ways to adapt it, but to no avail. It's hard to learn from someone who has no idea what to tell you.

Then there is swimming. That is a whole different animal. I can't blame Gavin's lack of swimming ability completely on his lack of a hand. He has been terrified of the water, clinging to me for dear life, until maybe just last summer. He still is insistent upon wearing a life jacket, he has only just begun to try to go under the water just this summer, but now that he is finally open enough to learn how to swim, most of his buddies are already swimming underwater circles around him. I haven't been able to give him the individualized swimming instruction he needs, because my 3 year old is clinging to me for dear life, while my toddler is heading kamakaze style into deep water. But, even if I could give him my undivided attention, I'm not entirely sure what to teach him. I don't even know if he will be able to swim and keep up with his friends. I imagine swimming with one hand is a challenge, at the very least it probably makes you swim pretty crooked.

I have been baffled as to whether I should seek him some sort of specialized therapy. Maybe my occupational therapist friend would know what to do. Rachel, if you read this, I'm open to input. I've never wanted Gavin to feel "handicapped" or unable to do whatever he wants to do. But, I also don't want to be naive and try to ignore the fact that he, in fact, isn't the same as other kids. I really don't know if it's better to almost ignore it and treat him just as any other kid, and let him make the adaptations for himself, or if I should just say, "dude, there's nothing wrong with getting a little help for your challenge, because Mommy doesn't always know how to help you. I'm too used to doing everything with 2 hands."

I'm sure this isn't the last challenge we will ever face in regards to this topic. He has always done such an incredible job adapting to his nub. My heart rejoiced the first time I watched him put toothpaste on his own toothbrush by holding it in his mouth, the first time he put his own socks on (at age 2) by sticking his little nub down in the sock and pulling it open along with his other hand and trying to shove the foot down in there with his nub in the way, I taught him to floss his teeth by wrapping the floss all the way around his nub--it took quite a bit of extra floss, but he did it. I love watching him type on the computer and push keys with his nub.

We're still working on him cutting his own food with a knife, the monkey bars have been postponed until his arm is long enough that his elbow joint can reach, the shoe tying is so beyond me that I just stick with velcro. I secretly keep hoping he will just figure it out his own way one day without any help from his clueless, spaz of a mother.

So, our triumph this week was particularly sweet. Gavin's little friends, who have been riding bikes for a few years now, weren't overly impressed. But, all the adults were so proud. It is the opposition in all things, that makes me fully understand the joy. That is one thing about his defect that I enjoy, it makes me appreciate so many small things that most mothers would take for granted. And yet, as each challenge is presented--some conquered, some still baffling, I realize that this boy has a very complex existence beyond what a 6 year old can comprehend. He's starting to learn a little, but he will have to have so much courage and determination and confidence. When a new school year begins he will have to introduce his handless nub to a whole bunch of new, curious children and he will have to explain again, more often than he would prefer, that "he was born that way." That's all you'll get from him. He is like his father in that he only gives you the necessary information. We are trying to teach him how to laugh and make jokes about it. But, this is his course to navigate, and he will have to find his own coping strategies. Each day, each school year, Mommy will be there less and less, and I already have to let him figure things out on his own.

I just hope that I have done enough, without understanding his plight completely, to instill in him a courage and confidence to face the world. I hope he can be wholly unaffected by all the stares and points (but that's not really realistic), so I hope he is affected by the stares in such a way that he decides "I want to show you that I can do anything I want to do." He has to be brave in ways that I don't always fully acknowledge. But, he is so brave.

Quick, blog before it's too late!

2010-06-27T21:37:00.006-06:00

My blogging has been slacking. But, I have lots of good reasons that mainly revolve around the fact that I am a single mother right now who has very little alone time. Also, my toddler has taken to sleeping in my room. . .so I never have access to my good computer during the times (naptime and bedtime) that I can actually work on the computer.

At any rate, I don't actually have much to say, but Janey (my biggest fan and little sister) wanted a blog post. So here it is.

Here are some random musings by me along with a random slew (sp?) of pictures.

1. I thought summer would make it easier to entertain my kids. I thought I could just send them all outside and only have to see them at mealtimes. Nope! Summer is making me crazy. Not only are my children more bored with less to do. . .but now there are also several neighbor kids around that are also bored and looking for something to do. I only have 1 child in school--but he is the one that needs it the most. My oldest son always wants to do "projects," art projects, science projects, and either build or disassessmble something. This child desperately needs the structure of school. And he desperately needs his Daddy who also loves projects. But, right now he is stuck with just me--the parent without any artistic, scientific, or engineering talent nor interest. So. . .I'm on the countdown to 1st grade--all day school, baby, woo hoo!

2. I love cherry coke too much. Like an obese person who can eat 3 large pizzas by themself in one sitting has a "problem with food,"I have a problem with cherry coke. I had terrible anxiety last night when I couldn't get to the store to get what I call my "Sunday stash" of coke. For the most part I have had to stop keeping it at home, because I have no self-control. . .but so as not to break the Sabbath by going to Walker's for a 44ouncer, I usually buy some to make it through the day. My best friend had to bring me 3 cans she had in her food storage at 11pm last night. I told her that she has such unconditional love for me that she would probably buy me heroin if that was my addiction. I love her for bringing me those 3 cans. And I hate myself a little bit for needing them so badly!

3. Children need 2 parents...everyday! I am doing remarkably well being on my own, actually better than I ever would've thought possible. But, my children do much better with 2 parents. They especially like their Daddy, because he is awesome. He does so many things with them that I hate to do--like light saber fighting, building something at the Home Depot workshop, making airplanes out of popsicle sticks, and getting them into bed without raising his voice.

3. Don't take your husband for granted, they do more than you think! I know that not all husbands are helpful with cleaning, cooking, childcare, etc but they do more than you even realize. Please appreciate them! Just having someone there to talk to late at night, or to laugh with, or to slap your behind while you're cooking, or to take late night runs to Wal-mart for children's tylenol. There is nothing better than having someone to share your life with, a partner and a best friend. I have wonderful parents, I have lots of great friends, and a BFF who gives me the coke off her shelf--but, NOBODY HAS MY BACK LIKE MY HUSBAND! He consistently puts my interests and needs above his own. And despite their imperfections, most husbands are like that. Go give your husbands a big hug and kiss and tell them how much you enjoy just having them by your side!

Okay, enough talking, here are the pictures:

Yes, my sweet little girl is wearing her brother's pajamas. All the girlie ones were dirty. Don't judge me, they are lucky to have any clean clothes at this point!

Gavin planted a garden with the help of his Grandpa. I never thought it would grow, the soil there is like concrete. Gavin is so proud (but I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't think the plants will make it to fruition.)

Strawberry days children's parade. They kind of remind me of The Village People-the firefighter, the cowboy, the construction worker, and Spiderman--I think that's how it went, right?

And of course, the one child I don't want outside all day, is the only one who wants to even go outside at all!!

My Box of Chocolates

2010-06-03T12:24:00.006-06:00

Yes, the past week or so has definitely been a box of chocolates--good, bad, terrible, delightful, up, down, and all over the place. No matter how bad it got, at times, and how sorry I began to feel for myself, I was regularly reminded how blessed I truly am because many people reached out to serve me in large and small ways so often.

Last week I was feeling discouraged and depressed as it was, and then I broke out into a painful rash all over my head, scalp, neck, ears, and face for 3 days. I had to go to the doctor to get some kind of shot, because benadryl was not working. It was so annoying and frustrating. I was really feeling sorry for myself! Feeling yucky and wallowing in my own misery only made time go by more slowly and made my load seem heavier to bear.

But then there was a bright spot. My brother-in-law got some free tickets to Heber Valley Railroad's "Day Out With Thomas" and gave them to us. Despite feeling crappy, I decided to venture out on my own and take all 3 kids to see Thomas. It was actually a lot of fun. It went unbelievably well. . .all 3 kids cooperated so well! We had a great time! It was so great to go do something fun and free. I am so grateful to my brother-in-law for thinking of us. Sometimes a little thoughtfulness goes a long way. It was so good for all of us!

I wish I could say the rest of the week went great after that, but it didn't. Sunday was awful! My kids were awful--Ruby is still screaming through all 2 hours of nursery. My lesson was definitely not one of my best, I just wanted to get it over with. It was a rough day. I nearly melted down into tears to one of my friends, Amber, who is the Nursery leader. Later on Sunday, she called me and said that she wanted to help because she could tell I was struggling. She offered to come to my house this week, feed my kids dinner, and babysit them for a few hours so I could run errands and go to yoga. WOW! She has 3 kids of her own. She left them with her husband and came to help me. I am so amazed by her charity. She acted like it was no big deal. . .but it was to me!!!

Besides a wonderful friend making my week, I also had a great experience styling another photo shoot this past Monday. The model was one of my good friends and we had a lot of fun. Photo shoots are no small thing, so I'm really grateful that my parents were willing to take my kids for so long so I could be a part of it. It was amazing! Again, I feel humble and blessed to have so many friends and family who are willing to help me. I don't particularly like being always in need of help, but the truth is, I do need help a lot these days. But, the kindnesses shown me this past week really helped get me out of my abyss of self-pity. I am also so impressed by their examples of selfless service, I want to be more like them!

Here is just one cute shot of my friends Amber (model) and Camilla (photographer) from our fun photo shoot. I feel so lucky that I got to work with both of these beautiful, talented girls!

My new thing

2010-05-21T21:38:00.003-06:00

So, last time I posted a link to the new beauty/style blog that I started. I hope some of you read it and liked what you read, but there is more to the story than that. Through a series of events (that aren't necessary to talk about for the sake of this story,) I decided that I wanted to learn how to be a stylist. I decided that I wanted to learn to do wardrobe styling for photographers, maybe eventually learn to do make-up artistry, and then apply that knowledge and experience to teaching LDS women and young women about beauty and style within a larger, spiritual context. That is my longer term dream. But, first I have to start somewhere. I went ahead and started an LDS style blog now, even though I'm not really an expert. Right now I can just share my opinions, and hopefully as I gain more knowledge and credibility it will become something cool.

The other part of my dream/idea/plan is to become a stylist. So, I decided to talk to an amazing photographer in my ward, and she is letting me work with her. I feel so completely blessed to have the opportunity to work with her. I don't really know what I'm doing, so I'm just doing my best. She and I worked on our first photo shoot together this past Wednesday. It was incredible and intimidating all at the same time. Some things went well, but some things didn't. One of the looks I put together was specifically designed to go with a Harley that was originally part of the set design, but then the Harley fell through and it was too late to change the look. Oh well, I did my best with what I had to work with. Some things worked, somethings didn't. I definitely learned a lot, and hopefully the next time I'll be even better.

Here are some pictures I took of my experience. I don't think you can get the full effect. You will just have to wait until the photographer has them up on her site. Camilla, the photographer, is so amazing that I'm sure her skill made up for my lack of it!

I had a lot of fun (okay, except for maybe all the mosquitoes.) It reminded me a bit of my short-lived days of being a model. I think I like being behind the camera much better. I hope I become much better at styling than I was at modeling!;)

And just a word about my clothing choices for this shoot--I have been a little torn because I ultimately want teach about styling for LDS women, but I didn't choose clothes that were necessarily garment-friendly, the standard of modesty. Right now I am just learning to be a stylist, and I need to work with both the client and the photographer to find what they want. I don't really get to be pious or picky right now. I don't want to seem hypocritical. Even when I was modeling I had to make the decision that I would be willing to wear "costumes," kind of like a dancer, but only within reason. They weren't always garment appropriate, but they were always tasteful, never overly sexual. I feel the same way now as a stylist. I have full confidence that Camilla Binks, the photographer I am working with, will always do stuff that is in good taste and still in harmony with my beauty ideals.

Camilla is also starting to offer photo shoots to women who just want to look hot and play model for a day. Kind of like a modern "glamour shots." I LOVE this idea, because I think every woman needs to see their own beauty potential. Everyone has more than they even realize! I hope to put together looks for women that make them feel and look amazing. That is the ultimate goal of my whole plan--to help any woman, particularly an LDS woman who has an understanding of her divine nature, to recognize that she is already more beautiful than she knows. Clothing, accessories, and make-up are only tools to help YOU more easily see, and believe in, the innate beauty you've always possessed!

Here is a link to Camilla's website (although as of right now, the shoot I styled is not on the site yet.) www.camillabinks.com

I'm really doing this

2010-05-02T21:13:00.002-06:00

I am assuming that I am among friends, I think that only people who consider me a friend would read my blog (but I guess you never know). . .but, in this particular case I might have an easier time opening up to strangers. At any rate, I already posted this on my Facebook page, but I'm also posting it here and if any of you like it, I would love it for you to post a link to it on your blogs as well. No pressure. I won't take it personally, if you don't. It's just that in order for it to be what I envision it to be, I just need a few people to actually read it.

I feel a little self-conscious putting myself out there, but it's just one small step along a new path that I have started paving for myself. There are a whole bunch of facets to my little plan, and the truth is I just need lots of help, support, ideas, feedback, etc from the people who love me. Or just people who have great ideas. I will keep you all posted as I start along my new path, because undoubtedly it will take lots of twists and turns. I'm not usually so ambitious, but I feel inspired to move forward so I am trying to put my head up and confidently take the first step.

So here is my first step, a new blog that ultimately will be a beauty and style blog, with tips and ideas on style that is in harmony with my spiritual beauty ideals. Anyway, so here goes nothing, hope you like it.

www.rubybeauties.blogspot.com

The Bright Side

2010-04-22T21:17:00.004-06:00

So, despite my world being turned somewhat upside down, we did have a week of 70 degree weather and it was awesome. So, I'm just going to focus on that for now.

Ruby has discovered the wonderful (and, if you ask me, dangerous) world of our backyard. It freaks me out, but it makes her so happy and she could spend hours out there. Each day I am forced to choose between listening to her scream at the door or letting her brave the great outdoors and risk possible injury. I am trying to find the right balance, because I'm not totally comfortable with either option. You think I wouldn't care as much by child #3, but it still gives me anxiety. Ruby is by far my most fearless child yet.

Sliding down the dirty slide in her new Sunday dress.

This same Sunday afternoon was so warm and beautiful that we decided to take our first family excursion of the season into the mountains. Still too cold to take the Jeep, and I only lasted about an hour, but the kids loved it.

Ruby trying to back herself down into the water. I spent the entire time trying to keep her from completely submergine herself in the icy river.

She would splash her hand in the water and then lick the water on her hand.

Daddy loves the mountains as much as the kids. He's way more fun than I am. The 3 boys all love Nature's playground! I like it too (when all the snow is gone and the temps don't drop below 70 degrees, even in the higher elevations.);)

Hairapy

2010-04-02T22:42:00.005-06:00

You know how some people eat too much when they are stressed? Well, I recently realize that one of my coping mechanisms is to change my hair. I have changed my hair a lot, particularly in the last 10 years. But, now it's becoming at least an annual thing.

Each time after I have had a baby, about 6 months after (once I have lost most of the baby weight), I do a hair makeover. I thought it was the fact that during pregnancy I feel hopelessly ugly and like I will never be seen as attractive or sexy again because I have become such a MOM. So, once I'm not pregnant anymore I decide to redefine myself as a WOMAN, and I do so by giving myself a little makeover. It was a post-baby tradition. And then after this most recent makeover, I started looking back at my various hairstyles and realizing that I have changed it way more often than just 3 times (for 3 babies) in the last 6 years.

So, in analyzing my propensity for changing my hair, I have started to wonder if it is perhaps because I am insecure, always searching for that one thing that will make me feel beautiful (maybe somewhat), or if I change it because I am bored (I love being a stay-at-home-mom, but let's be honest, it keeps me pretty cooped up), or if it is like a self-soothing behavior because when I am stressed, afraid, or feeling helpless, I can take control by changing my hair. I don't know. It's probably a little bit of all those things. But, mostly I just do it because it is FUN! It just gives me a boost, a spring in my step, and a reason to put myself together! It's like a little adventure each time I try something new. It's an expression of my personality.

I'm probably overanalyzing. I guess I just wonder why I am so hAirDD, when other people are so content to have the same hairstyle for 15 years. Like my little sister, for example--every time I change my hair I ask her when she's going to cut hers. She always says, "if you have a beautiful face you don't have to change your hair to look good!" She's kidding, I think. ;) Or maybe it's because she shaved her head when she was 13 (even I'm not that adventurous), and she hasn't changed it much since it grew back from that. I think she has post shaved head trauma stress syndrome or something. Whatever her reasons, she has had the same hairstyle for at least the last 7 years. She'll deny it. She's one of those girls that will say, "my hair's not the same, I just cut off like 5 inches and had layers put in" but it looks exactly the same to me. There are a lot of girls like that. I mean, really think about it for a minute, how many hairstyles have you had in the last 10 years? Have you ever changed the color? Which leads me to my bigger question--do you keep the same hairstyle because you are secure and know it is the best for you?. . .or do you keep it because you are too afraid and insecure that you won't look good? Or conversely, do I change my hair all the time because I am very insecure?. . .or do I change it all the time because I am secure enough to try variation? Fascinating. . .the ins and outs of the female psyche, particularly when it comes to beauty. I think about this stuff a lot. What do you think?

I have previously mentioned my issues with my weight and shared pictures of my "fat" days. So, now here are pictures of my various hairstyles (I only have pics from the digital era, I didn't feel like scanning any, so that only covers about that last 8 years, or so.) Hope you get a kick out of them. In fact, if you feel so bold, you can even tell me which of my hairstyles you like best.

This is the current Tiffany hairstyle for Spring 2010. (This is the shortest I've ever been.)

This is the oldest picture on my computer, from about 2002 I would guess. My hair even got longer than this.

This was my first Post-baby Makeover, after baby #1. (circa 2004) It screams "Soccer Mom!"

This was my Post-baby makeover after baby #2 in 2007.

Later in 2007.

After Baby #3, I decided would grow it out really long, so I grew out the bangs, changed the color, and played with loose curls.

Nope, 3 months later decided I was not going to grow it out, time to chop it off. So, this officially qualifies as post-baby #3 hair transformation. This hairstyle (which, I loved most with the curls, but I didn't curl it very often), was the Spring 2009 version. In fact, I got this haircut less than a year ago, and then got the urge to get even more cut off. (I blame it on the job loss!)

And as far as the color goes, I've still always stayed some version of a redhead, because honestly, redheads are awesome! Red definitely is the perfect color for my personality!

Whatever my deepest, psychological reasons are for changing my hair it doesn't change the fact that I enjoy it! It lifts my spirits, and I am a sucker for being told how fabulous I look! So, I want to give a special thank you to those of you who tell me (regardless of my hairstyle) how cute I look. It's amazing how much one little compliment can lift someone up. I need to remember that and dole them out more often, too! Which reminds me, I gotta give the credit for my fabulous new hair (and all of my hairstyles for the past 3 years) to my amazing stylist Stephanie Wolford. She's fabulous!

My eyes aren't playing tricks, he's really SIX!

2010-03-26T20:37:00.008-06:00

This is a birthday post and while I would like to write about what it was like when I had my first child, and how surreal it is that he is growing up so fast, I have recently had some complaints that my blog has "too much reading." My own mother even says she doesn't have time to read my blog, so I am apparently too long-winded and must keep this to a more pictorial post.

I guess I will save for another time what a sweet, special boy my little Gavin is. Someday I will write about what it was like when I was pregnant with Gavin, so scared about his birth defect, so worried it would be more than his arm, so full of fear for him and his life. And now, at age 6, he has alleviated my fears and exceeded my expectations! He is as happy and confident as a kid can be. (Ooops, too much talking again.)

So, here are some pics of birthday festivities. It was intended to be a low maintenance, "no party", no cost birthday. . . .it never quite works out that way! ;)

The cake master hard at work on a Star Wars light saber cake.

Mike is disappointed that this picture doesn't capture its full glory and magnificence. (But, I'm easily impressed so I think it's pretty cool.)

Gavin received this 5 foot Superman pinata for his Superman-themed birthday last year. It took him a whole year to be ready to whack it open. This is symbolic of him moving past a Superman obsession and into his Star Wars obsession! (I'm just so happy to get rid of that pinata--the little papers got all over their bedroom.)

It took the big kids to finally bust it open.

Scramble for candy!

The carnage that remained.

Superman and Luke Skywalker have nothing on my little Superhero, Gavin. I love you, Gav. I am so proud of you. I love watching you learn and grow! Happy Birthday.

History (with a little frisbee mixed in)

2010-03-20T21:19:00.004-06:00

I have been so concerned about the course the Federal government is taking that I've decided to become more informed and also begin educating my children on the issues--particularly state's rights vs. federal rights and the history surrounding these complex issues. So, we've been having 30 min lessons/discussion each day on history and government, and to enhance our study I decided to take a trip to the Utah State Capitol. Ha, ha, ha. . .just kidding, at least about the 30 min lessons and teaching my children about government and all that. Wouldn't that make me like the most ambitious mom in the world to be attempting to have political debates with my 6 and 3 year olds? Our philosophical discussions are more like "Why is it a bad idea to pick our noses in public?" But, we did take a trip to the Utah State Capitol (and I'm not completely kidding about my feelings about the government. . .but it's not that kind of blog.)

We went to the state capitol building because it is withing walking distance of Aunt Janey's new place. It was a beautiful spring day and it was lots of fun! Capitol buildings are always pretty cool, though. Gotta love the marble columns and staircases, right?

The kids loved it, even though they had no idea what sort of significance the building has. I just wanted to include pictures of a fun little excursion. I am going to have to go have more SLC urban excursions with my Big City Sister.

Where's Waldo? (Can you find my 2 little guys?)

This is how "Big Government" makes me feel too.

Playing frisbee on the Capitol Lawn. I bet Obama does this too.

Yes this is Ruby, I know she looks like a boy. Don't worry I have since remedied the situation and gotten her a cute, girlie hoodie. But, she's just happy to be FREE! She cries at the door "Bye, bye" all the time because she's so desperate to get outside.

Here we go!

2010-03-15T10:37:00.007-06:00

All is well. I am not freaking out anymore. Luckily that meltdown on my last post only lasted for 2 days, which is pretty good considering the situation. For the most part I've felt really hopeful and I've really enjoyed having my husband around so much. Within the first week of losing his job Mike had 3 really decent job offers and we just took some time to figure out which one to take. We definitely chose the unconventional route. We felt really guided by the Spirit towards one particular company, and even though it is a major left turn, that's the way we're heading. There are several reasons for this, but I'm not going to discuss the particulars of it on here. Those of you who already know what's going on will understand why, but for those of you who want more detailed info you will have to e-mail me. ;) I feel really good about our decisions. I feel the Lord's hand so prominently in our life. He has protected us so much and now he is lovingly guiding us, undoubtedly, somewhere better than we would've gone ourselves. Naturally, I hope this makes all of our wildest dreams come true. . .but, there are a lot of things besides just money that factor into a career change. But, I ain't gonna lie, good money would be great too! ;)

I haven't posted any pictures in awhile. I actually haven't taken many pictures in awhile. It's winter. Maybe when it gets warm I'll get excited about the cuteness of my children again. ;) Ruby is growing up so fast, and little Nick is suddenly growing out of his baby face too--if only I could get him to grow out of the thumb sucking. So, here are the cuties:

This is my big cutie: He is busying himself these days with getting our basement ready to remodel. We need another bedroom and bathroom DESPERATELY. We have to put our remodel on hold, because we don't want to use up any of our savings right now. But, he is working on the tear out and the prep. I think he just loves to demolish things (especially after the month he has had!) ;) I love a handy man. We both love a good home improvement project, so I can't wait until we can move forward on this thing. And thank goodness I don't have a man who loses his job and then parks himself on the couch with a video game console in hand for weeks on end! ;)

Thank you to so many of you who have shown me so much love and support, both with comments on my blog, messages on Facebook, long talks in person (or on the phone), cookies and a girl's day out (yep, I'm talking to you Jess G. ;). I have felt so much love and concern. I just have to say, in case there is anyone who happens upon my blog who is not a member of this church: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the most amazing network of love and support that you will find anywhere! How grateful I am that we don't have to turn to the government for our support. (Just a few days of dealing with an unemployment claim and application for medicaid made me INSANE, and I have since vowed to never be dependent on the government for my support.) This church has amazing leadership and an organization unlike any other! I FINALLY got a testimony even of home teaching, after our home teacher stepped up to help us in a big way at a crucial time. His act of service changed my whole attitude, and from that moment on I no longer felt terrified. I just knew we had so many people on our side. But, it is more than just the support of a ward that makes this church so special, it is the way that the gospel gets into the hearts of its people and makes them more like our Savior. So many of you acted on behalf of the Lord, Jesus Christ, in doing the things that he would do for me and my family if he were here on earth living next door to me (or if he was my friend on Facebook ;). I truly believe that.

I'm sure so many of you don't think you are Christlike enough, but you are more amazing than you realize. Love, service, concern for your fellowmen comes so naturally to so many of you. Thank you, thank you! I can say for certain, the Lord is proud of you for helping little old me. "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." (Matthew 25:40)

"All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good"

2010-02-27T22:14:00.003-07:00

My last post was a little pep talk I've been giving myself, trying to convince myself to stay positive, but I'm starting to crack a little. So, rather than emotionally vomiting all over my husband (who already has more than enough to deal with), I will vomit here. I just can't keep it in any longer.

Just a few days ago I received some pretty devastating news. Not the most devastating news I've ever received in my life, but definitely in the top 5: My husband lost his job. Now, I know this has become incredibly commonplace. We have all heard it, from neighbors, friends, even family members. So many people are dealing with this. It has been reduced to a number bantered about by politicians to further their own agendas. In fact, we have heard it so much that it has lost its full emotional weight. . . .until it is you. When it is you, the floor falls out from under you, the walls cave in on top of you, and you just don't know if you can breathe and you fear that you'll never be able to breathe again.

Perhaps I am overreacting. I know that there are far worse trials in life. I feel grateful that my most devastating life's experiences, are still rather low on the devastation richter scale. I'm glad we are only mourning a job. But, our life has been turned upside down. We never expected this. I don't even know how to begin to rebuild. My husband has put his heart and soul, not to mention a ridiculous number of hours, into this company. He was with this company for 9 years, was the #2 guy in management, and then one day, they just "let him go." Suddenly, we are faced with the reality that he is 31 years old, with only a high school education, looking for a job in a job-starved world, with the reality that he will most likely not be able to walk into a job making the salary he was making before.

I think of the time he forfeited, working 60 hours a week, investing in this company when perhaps he should have taken the time instead to get his degree, and invest in himself. But, I am also grateful for the opportunities he had at this company to discover so many talents and abilities that he might not have been able to utilize anywhere else. So, I can't be completely angry. I can't place all the blame on "them." And sometimes that sucks, too. You know, being reasonable, trying to see clearly, trying to keep the anger and the hurt and the sheer terror at bay.

Yes, the terror. How I am fighting with fear right now! I'm sure my husband is too, though he's not one to ever let on. He's so positive and hopeful. I have never had to worry if we would have enough money to pay the bills. I have never not had money for milk, or diapers, or medicine. And now I wonder if it could possibly come to that. My husband assures me, as hopeful as ever, that it won't. But, will there not be enough money for preschool, for my new shoes, for the occasional movie. . .yes, it is quite likely that there won't be enough for those.

Though I am mourning income, the dream of a bigger house, and perhaps cable television--heaven forbid it comes to that ;), I am also rejoicing in the love and mercy of the Lord. Although we didn't see this coming, He, in his infinite omniscience, did. The Lord has protected us so much from the full weight of this blow. It wasn't quite a year ago that we went to a Dave Ramsey event, and were inspired to get our house in order. Dave Ramsey didn't teach us anything that the prophets haven't already been teaching forever. But, we finally got it through our heads. So we have spent the last year getting completely out of debt (except for our mortgage), mastering a written budget, and funding our emergency fund with 6 months worth of expenses. WOW! What an incredible blessing it is! So, at least, for now I know that we can keep the lights on and the children fed.

I want to TESTIFY to anyone who will listen, do not delay, do not make excuses, follow the counsel of the prophets and FIRST and always, pay a full tithe, SECOND, get out of debt immediately, THIRD Live within your means--and I have learned that there is no substitute for a written budget, FOURTH, save money--at least 3 months of living expenses (although now I'm realizing that you can never have too much savings at a time like this), and FIFTH, store food.

My testimony of these principles has been greatly amplified by this experience. I feel so grateful to have not only some money to help us survive, but also some valuable skills (like budgeting, meal planning, Christmas planning, etc). I wish I had some skills that could actually make us some money, but these will have to do. :) And even more importantly than my skills, is the testimony I have that we can now turn to the Lord, in full confidence, and tell Him that we have done everything we can do, and now we need Him to make up the difference. And I know He will. Whatever that means.

I am grateful for this reminder of our dependence on the Lord. I am grateful that I have been shaken out of my complaisance and that I am reaching for the Lord in the way that I only do in times of trial.

I am hoping that it won't be too long until we look back at this as perhaps one of the best opportunities of our life. That we will grow in ways that, although,we never would've signed up for, will make us become who the Lord wants us to be. Perhaps it will take us to places we never would've gone on our own, but where the Lord wants us to go.

So, again, to reiterate the words of President Hinckley: It will all work out. But, also, in President Hinckley's words, I must "say that to myself every morning." And so the journey begins. . .

And as uncomfortable and humiliating as this is to share, particularly for my very private husband, we are looking to all our dear friends and family to help us in our search for employment. My husband is so bright and talented. His experience and abilities include management, sales, training and overseeing sales and service technicians, he has extensive experience with graphic design, marketing and advertising. We are open to just about everything at this point (except network marketing, so don't even approach us with your great"opportunity", and "residual income"). ;) Please keep us in your thoughts. The Lord works in mysterious ways, so you never know who, how, or when something might help.

What else can I say?

2010-02-26T20:34:00.003-07:00

It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.

It all works out. Don't worry.

I say that to myself every morning.

It will all work out.

Put your trust in God,

and move forward with faith

and confidence in the future.

The Lord will not forsake us.

He will not forsake us.

If we will put our trust in Him,

if we will pray to Him,

if we will live worthy of His blessings,

He will hear our prayers.

-Gordon B. Hinckley

Come on Cat, Squooshy Cat

2010-02-23T12:05:00.003-07:00

My youngest sister is a beautiful singer. She's always been the most musically talented (okay, the only musically talented) one in my family. She's been singing since she could talk. She had a remarkable ability to memorize all the lyrics to songs, even at a very young age. Well, sort of. She has also been notorious for seriously misunderstanding the lyrics, and creating some strange versions of her own. One of her lyric mix-ups has become notorious in my family, and we've repeated it for years. The lyrics she sang, at about 2 or 3 years old were "Come on Cat, Squooshy Cat." No one could figure out what on earth she was singing, until one day she sang along with the song from which she derived the lyrics. It was a song by the Beach Boys that was popular in the mid 80's called "Let's Cruise." (It was on the same album as Kokomo, if you remember that one.) So, she sang "Come on cat, squooshy cat". . .the actual lyrics are "Come on, let's cruise, you've got," (nothing to lose. . .) We have been laughing about it ever since. I mean, what kind of brain hears a pop song and thinks "Come on cat, squooshy cat" is a viable option?

Well, apparently, I have a child with the same kind of brain. My #2 child, Nick, seems very musically inclined. He has also been able to pick up lyrics to songs since he was about 2 years old. He sings all the time, he loves music. He also knows the theme songs to his favorite shows, and the jingles to commercials (the ones aired frequently on Nickelodeon.) I particularly love it when I catch him singing pop songs, like recently I heard him singing a new Rihanna song, the "yea, yea, yea it's so hard, oooh yea, yea, yea it's so hard." Well, like my musically inclined sister, he is also notorious for misunderstanding lyrics. One of his famous songs, he calls "Po, po, Nay, nay." It is derived from the song "Bombs over Baghdad", by Outkast. How he got "Po, po, Nay, nay" from "Bombs over Baghdad" I will never know. But anyway, he's got a new one that has me laughing still.

Nick got a penguin toy in his happy meal yesterday, so he started asking for the penguin song. Huh? What's the penguin song? I asked him to sing part of it, and he sings "Should I just keep chasing penguins. . ." If you haven't guessed yet, it is the song "Chasing Pavements" by Adele. I've been listening to that CD regularly for the past year, and my kids love to sing along. I didn't realize, until last night, that he thought it was "Chasing Penguins." Oh, but it gets better. So, I laugh and say, "the song says chasing pavements." So, he asks to hear the chorus again. He listens a couple times, and then says, "Mom it isn't chasing penguins, it is chasing payments." I say, "No, actually it's chasing pave-ments", emphasizing the v. No, he looks at me like I'm the idiot, and shakes his head and very condescendingly enunciates "CHASING PAYMENTS." End of discussion. He will not believe it to be any different.

So, now I laugh, because as I listened to it as "Chasing Payments" and it became really hilarious to me, because I've decided that it is the ballad of a discouraged bill collector. "Ohhhh, ohhh, should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing payments? Even if it leads nowhere. . ." It's also really fun if you put in the words, "chasing penguins." Like a really depressed antarctic wildlife researcher:

"Ohhh, ohhh, should I give up, or should I just keep chasing penguins? Even if it leads nowhere. Or would it be a waste, even if I knew my place, should I leave it there?"

Oh, I love it. Thank you, Nick for making me laugh. His song lyrics are way better than his compliments--(ie. I only love you when you're wearing make-up.) And I have to post a random picture of this little character, because he is so darn cute and frequently hilarious.

Nick, and his first ever self-portrait.

It (almost) didn't suck!

2010-02-18T21:23:00.004-07:00

Valentine's day was surprisingly good. Well, almost. My husband is not known for his grand gestures of romance (to put it nicely) and I have discussed this in prior posts. I mean, he ignored my birthday and, luckily for me, he has been trying to redeem himself ever since. He did really well for Christmas and now Valentine's day. So, I gotta tell you, Mike hates Valentines day. I think we went out once on Valentine's day, probably during year 1 of marriage, and he decided that everything is so crowded and the waits are so long that it isn't worth it. So, we do not go out on Valentine's evening, because I prefer a husband who is not annoyed and cranky to a dinner out.

Oh wait, before I bag on the man for being a Valentine scrooge. I forgot, the most romantic gesture of our entire relationship happened on Valentine's day 2001. We had been dating long distance for about 7 months and Mike was working long hours in Arizona at the time. He sent me roses at my job on Valentine's day that said something like, "Wish I could be there." Then, after I got off work I found a card on my windshield that had a clue in it, that then proceeded to take me on a treasure hunt that took me to some places that had special significance for us, like where we first met, as well as to spots that took me to my friends and family members who gave me more clues. The last clue said, "Since I can't be there, I've arranged for you and Sheree to go out to a nice dinner, so you won't be alone on Valentine's day." When I arrived at the restaurant, I was waiting for Sheree who is chronically 20mins late to everything, I turned around and, yep, of course, there was Michael. He had surprised me with a week long visit! BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER! (He probably should've proposed that night, because that was the biggest romantic gesture he has ever made. His actual proposal didn't even come close.)

So, I have to throw that story in so I don't completely dog on my poor husband. But, honestly, do men ever try as hard once they are married? I think not. We have had a few good V-days, I think. But, most of the time my poor husband just doesn't even try. I also kind of think Valentine's day has definitely been over commercialized and manipulates us women into thinking our men should spend money on us. So there have been many years when Valentine's day goes basically ignored by both of us.

Oh wait, last year he did something thoughtful too. I posted it here. This year, he got me beautiful flowers. Not the last thing he could find at Walmart on Saturday night, he actually planned ahead. I am more impressed by the forethought and planning than the actual present. I just like knowing that I am on my husband's mind sometimes when I'm not around. He also planned ahead and bought my favorite kind of cookie dough, so that on Sunday he could make me a giant heart-shaped cookie. LOVED that!

The kids were so excited to be part of the surprises. Gavin had known about the flowers for a week or so, and he was so proud of himself for keeping it a surprise. BTW, I ate the whole cookie in one sitting. Don't judge me, it was Valentine's day.

My husband did really, really well this Valentine's day. But, here's the sucky part--I was very sick. Miserable. Don't want to face the world sick. I was sick when the flowers came on Friday. I was even sicker all day Sunday. I try really hard to give a lot of positive reinforcement when my man does something great. So, I mustered up all the energy I could to praise him, and my boys. But, I was like "Thank you, I'm going back to bed now. . . .but, I will take the cookie with me."

So, let me say it this way, it was a really, miserable, annoying Sunday that came after a really long, miserable week. . . .but, as for a Valentine's day, I have to count this as a good one.

And one last picture, because it is sooooooo Ruby. I was very sick in bed, and I wanted my hubby to snuggle me for a few minutes, and while the parents were distracted, Ruby climbed up onto the counter and found Gavin's Valentine candy from school. She was only busted because after about 10 minutes of quiet, uninterrupted snuggling with my husband, I knew something must be wrong. I thought I might find her playing in the toilet (yes, that happens way too often) so finding her with 3 suckers was actually pretty cute.

Been There, Done Fat

2010-02-05T10:39:00.005-07:00

Yesterday I got all dressed, did my hair, but hadn't put make-up on yet. I had to hurry and run to the store, and I couldn't take the time to put make-up on. So, I'm trying to hold my head high, and not care, (but I was also secretly hoping I wouldn't see anyone I know.) I came back home and my 3 year old takes a look at me and says, "Mom, you don't look good. You don't look pretty without make-up." It gets better (or worse). . .after I put make-up on, he gives me a hug and says, "I only love you when you're pretty." Man, he sure is gonna make some lucky girl really happy one day! ;)

Now, I know he is a child, but it still gets worse. Last night, after I washed off all my make-up and got ready for bed, the same precious child, says, "get away from me, you look terrible." Ouch! I laughed so hard, but it was kind of brutal. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if it wasn't such a blatant magnification of the little voice inside my own head that says those kinds of things to me on a daily basis.

Once you take away social grace and diplomacy, the way only a child can, the reality is that I do look much better with make-up than without. I've always known this. In fact, the problem is that it has only been in the last few years that I have gotten comfortable with being bare faced in public. In fact, I have often used make-up to cover up not just my face, but my insecurities. And as I look back on pictures, I realize that the more insecure I was at a particular time, the darker and heavier my make-up was.

In fact, in particular, when my weight was the highest, so also was the volume of my make-up. So, in order to overcome my own insecurities, I am posting some pictures for the whole world to see of me at, what I thought, was my fattest and ugliest.

When I was a freshman at Ricks College I weighed more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child. I was also kind of chunky in high school, but I put on an additional 18lbs. my freshman year. And the fatter I got, the more make-up I caked on. Now, I look back on the pictures, and while I am still not particularly fond of the way I looked, I realize that I wasn't nearly as FAT as I thought I was.

From age 15 until about 21, I defined myself as fat. I thought the reason I wasn't dating is because I was too fat. I was a "fat girl", but it was my ugly, self-deprecating attitude that was more of a guy repellent than my extra pounds. (It has taken me a lot of years to figure that out.)

Even when I played basketball I wore eyeliner and lipstick, although it had sweated off a bit in this picture.

So, here it is people--the truth about my past life: I was chubby and wore horrible brownish-red lipstick. (It was the 90s.) But, on the up side, I had boobs back then!

I still struggle all the time with my own insecurities, beauty seems to be my particular achilles heel. I see myself doing it even now, overcompensating with make-up when I'm feeling particularly unattractive. I have an exercise in confidence every now and then by saying to myself, "Tiff, put down the eyeliner."

Such is life, I guess. While I do look back at my pictures and GAG at my hideous lipstick, my black eyeliner, my unflattering boy clothes and tapered jeans, I also look back and wish I could tell that girl "You're not nearly as fat or as ugly as you think you are. In fact, if you can just smile, laugh, wipe away even half of the make-up, and just be positive and kind. . .you will be beautiful."

I guess I should start by trying to tell myself that today. Regardless of what I look like without make-up, I want to be a beautiful person. I have learned over the years that it has more to do with my attitude than the number on the scale or the make-up on my face. . . .it's just believing it everyday that is the challenge.

My husband always says that the reason he likes when I dress up, is because my confidence and sassiness goes WAY up. He doesn't seem to care when I don't wear make-up, but he definitely notices when I feel better about myself. I think sexiness and beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder, I think it is much more in the eye and mind of the beholden. (If that makes sense.)

Regular, ol' ME

2010-01-17T17:30:00.002-07:00

I used to consider myself a Type A personality. Or a "red" on the color coded personality test. But, ever since 01/01/10 came and went and I realized that I am completely fine with not setting any New Year's resolutions, I have determined once and for all that I am not really that driven. I'm not an overachiever. . .I am very content to be mediocre.

My oldest sister just started Graduate school in Marriage and Family Therapy online this semester. Yes, the same sister who has 7 children, two of which are adopted from Africa, whose husband just returned from a year in Afghanistan, and who is working on moving to Korea. No one is driven, like this woman is driven.

And then there is my younger sister who lived in Russia for a year, speaks fluent Russian, finished her Bachelor's and started graduate school all while she was pregnant and now continues her schooling with baby in tow. Yep, she's amazing too.

But, I don't feel jealous of them at all. Marriage and Family Therapy is even where my career path was heading before I dropped out of school, and yet it doesn't even spark anything in me at all. I am close to finishing my Bachelor's degree and yet I still have not felt that it was right for me to try to finish. I am not driven at all, at least not right now, to finish my degree.

I may be the least driven Top sister, but I don't think I'm lazy or unmotivated, I'm just not necessarily the type of personality who is always doing something--training for a triathlon, writing a novel, going to Grad school, being PTA president, starting a business, etc. etc.

I'm quite content in being ordinary. I kind of like still living in the same town, merely blocks from my parents, and staying at home with my children, and being my husband's wife, and occasionally I get ambitious enough to redecorate a room, but I'm pretty simple.

The up side of being very ordinary is that I don't have any major problems or drama either. I may not have an exciting life, but I do sometimes feel like my life is charmed. I have great parents and siblings, and I have a great husband and kids. (I even like my in-laws.) I am healthy, my kids are healthy, my husband has a job, we have what we need, and we're happy. In fact, my problems are so few that I get to expend way too much energy on problems like, "my nose is too big", "my house is too small", "I wonder if that person likes me", and other such trivial things.

I wish I could do all of my learning and growing without any pain, trials, and tragedy, but I'm beginning to wonder if, perhaps, in some ways people with pretty big burdens to bear are ultimately, in the eternal sense, better off than I am. If in their need they have come to know the Lord in ways I can't even comprehend.

I guess there's nothing wrong with being ordinary, with being content to be just a Mom, or just a wife, unless it is keeping me from having the EXTRAORDINARY testimony I desire. I want to be more driven, at least insofar as it pushes me to dig a little deeper, to "lengthen my stride", to serve more, to love more, to reach outside of myself more, to have a desire to learn more, and ultimately to turn to the Lord more.

So, I guess I do have a New Year's resolution after all. I mean, but only because I happened to have this epiphany while it is still January. So, my new motto is "Dig a little deeper." I want to dig deeper in everything--my study of the scriptures, my prayers, my service to others, my friendships, politics, my relationships with my children, and the list could go on. It applies to anything. I want to do more and become more.

I am too complaisant and too comfortable in my own complaisance. So, it's time for me to get a little more driven. I want to find my passion, my talents, and ultimately, hopefully my potential.

The Comeback of a Washed-up Dancing Queen!

2010-01-08T10:38:00.004-07:00

(**The washed-up dancing queen I am talking about is me, not any of these beautiful ladies.)

Well, any of you who knew me in my past life, before I was "mommy", know that I LOVE to dance. Love, love, love it! In my single days, before my car accident, it was not unusual for me to go at least once a week to a dance club, sometimes more. I went to every Ricks college stag dance while I was there. I went to dances at UVSC, occasionally BYU dances (although those were probably the lamest of the college dances I went to), and LDS young single adult dances in Salt Lake. ANY dance I could find!

I have missed dancing for so many years now. I love how it makes me feel! And ever since I dressed up as Michael Jackson for Halloween, I've been craving it more than ever. So, I took matters into my own hands and decided to plan a dance for New Year's Eve.

We never do anything fun for New Year's. My husband hates crowds, parties, and people in general, so that limits our options. But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. So I said to heck with Michael, I was throwing a party--a dance party!

I booked our local stake center, invited all the families in my ward (except the old people), and with the help of a few great people, planned a family-friendly dance party. In half of the gym I set up activities for kids--ring toss, bean bag throw, sock basketball, and Twister. There was also a movie room for sleepy kids. We set up some tables for adults to play games (because several people, mostly the husbands, complained that they wouldn't come to the party if they were forced to dance.) On the other half of the floor I set-up a dance floor, complete with a $20 disco light and great sound equipment (provided by my great neighbor.) It was fabulous! I got to dance, dance, dance, dance until I think I got shin splints. It was so great! Because, at the end of the day, the reason I planned the entire party was so that I could dance. . .but, I knew it would be more fun dancing with good friends!

A lot of the kids had a great time dancing, at least until they got too tired and cranky. The 10/11 year old girls were particularly fun! But, it was one 10 year old boy that danced all night who really cracked me up. Dancing with kids is so much more fun, because you don't even care if you look like a total dork! And believe me, I was dancing, care-free, in full dorkitude all night! I loved it!

Even most of the people who preferred games to dancing, at least danced a little on the slow songs. Everyone who came to the party were such good sports. The kids did really well, at least until about 10:30pm.

Most of the partyers cleared out by 11pm because of tired, cranky kids who had reached their limit. But, lucky for me my kids weren't there, so I got to keep on dancing! A few of my favorite ladies (pictured at top) danced with me all night until 12AM. That was the best New Year's eve I've had in a decade.

If New Year's is any indication on the coming year. . .then, 2010 is going to be fabulous. Although, I do think the party unleashed the dormant dance beast inside me. . .and I'm looking for my next opportunity to DANCE!!!

Blogworthy!

2010-01-05T22:18:00.007-07:00

My last month has been amazing! The worst part of my last month was having my computer "in the shop" for most of it. Ridiculous, really. I can write an entire blog post about nothing, just a babbling stream of my own consciousness, and the one month that I actually have lots of stuff going on, I couldn't even blog about it. Argh.

Well, I'm kind of still recovering from all the excitement of the holidays (particularly my New Year's party) and just barely put away my Christmas decorations today. I should be in bed, but before it all gets too old and stale and I lose my desire to document all the '09 holiday happenings, I will give a recap as quickly as a long-winded person such as myself can do.

Christmas season begins: Around December 6th or so I put up the Christmas tree and the Christmas train. (The train only lasted about 3 days before it drove me so stinking crazy repairing the track constantly and tripping over the train cars that had been strewn about the house, that I took it down probably never to return.)

Season gets swingin':

Went to a "Festivus party", where I wore not only an ugly Christmas sweater. . .(which, by the way, I am so proud to say that I made myself with iron-on letters, puff paint, and random Christmas decorations), but also went for full-on 80's ensemble. I got the denim skirt from my 14 year old babysitter, and wore my leggings (that I actually love, usually.) This is proof that leggings CAN go terribly wrong and take a turn towards "hooker" if not worn sensibly. :)

Christmas Staple: Lights at Temple Square

I only go to the lights about once every 3-5 years, so it's not really a tradition for me. But, since my sister lives in SLC and since my boys are old enough to (sort of) appreciate it I went this year. My parents came too which was fun. But, we all were so stinkin' cold that we remembered why it isn't a tradition for us.

Christmas Eve:

Sorry, grandpa, my boys were not fooled. . .but they loved it nonetheless! I was also particularly thrilled with the fact that we did NOT have Turkey for Christmas eve dinner. I vote that Samantha's delicious Chicken Parmigiana becomes a new Grimsley Christmas tradition!

Christmas Day:

I do need to quickly give a shout out to Dave Ramsey who taught us to plan and budget all year for Christmas. So, this Christmas was fabulous because we all got spoiled without any guilt! ( It also really helps that my kids have generous grandparents who helped spoil them.)

New Tradition:

Mike made the Top Family (those few of us who are left in Utah) a HUGE southern-style breakfast Christmas morning. It was definitely Mike's favorite Christmas party. We'd like to make it a new tradition (except maybe when Jess and her 7 kids are in town for Christmas.;)

Classic Tradition revisited:

When I was growing up my Dad always bought us kids BYU shirts for Christmas. So, it was fun that he revived the tradition this year by getting BYU shirts for my kids. Maybe now that Janey came back from the dark side (U of U) to be a grad student at BYU, her son will also be included. :)

There is so much still to blog about. This past month was so amazing. My Christmas season was enhanced so much more by a few beautiful experiences that reminded me of the love of my Savior Jesus Christ and our true "reason for the season." One was a funeral and one was a temple sealing, and although they are so very different they were both beautiful reminders of all that our Savior has done for us. (A paragraph can not do them justice, I would love to expound more on those experiences at a later date.) Those experiences helped make this one of the most meaningful and joyous Christmases of my entire life. I feel grateful--no, more than that--utterly ecstatic to my core that I can be with my family forever abounding in the perfect love of my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. The gift of eternal life is, in a literal sense, the truest, best gift of Christmas.

Photo Shoot

2009-11-20T14:48:00.004-07:00

I know it's risky handing over my camera to my children, but sometimes I let them take pictures around the house. I do trust my 5 year old enough to let him take an occasional shot (as long as it is indoors, away from any water sources) and I let my 3 year old also have a turn, mostly so that he will stop screaming "It's not fair" after I let his older brother have a turn.
So here is some of their work:

Photos by Gavin:

Photos by Nick:

Nick already has his own unique signature--the finger on the left side.

My camera survived, and I think it is kind of cute. However, I did not include the various pictures they took of their bunkbeds, their toys, the street in front of our home, and Gavin's favorite subject--the family pictures on the wall. I guess he figures it's easier to take pictures of pictures of Nick and Ruby, because at least the pictures hold still.

Never too old for Halloween!

2009-11-06T20:57:00.004-07:00

I love Halloween! When I was a kid my parents HATED Halloween so much, that we were not allowed to dress up or go trick or treating. Instead we would go out and do an activity together as a family. I have some fond memories with my family, but I have been a little Halloween deprived over the years. In fact, I have probably only dressed up on Halloween a total of 10 times in my life. But, in the last few years I have decided that I LOVE it when adults dress up on Halloween. I have to give big props to the parents who coordinate a whole family theme for costumes. I have decided I want to be a fun Mom who dresses up on Halloween. My kids loved it--even though they had no idea who Michael Jackson was. I loved it, too. ( It gave me a chance to break out some of my moves that haven't seen the light of day in at least 10 years.) So, MJ is my personal favorite costume to date.

Another Halloween classic was when Janey, my little sister, and I dressed up as each other for Halloween.
I was trying to make fun of her and what I dubbed her "Grandpa-chic" style. But, everyone kept telling me all night how cute I looked! Doh! It figures, Janey's always been cuter than me.

Okay so back to Halloween '09. Gavin is Luke Skywalker. This costume was thrown together with things almost entirely from my wardrobe. I'm all about the throw-together, no sewing, no money costumes. (ala, MJ.)

He wanted a picture at every different stage of the light saber's unleashing. This isn't the full light saber glory, but I just love how serious he's taking it!

All the pictures of Super Nick were blurry, because he was so busy posing and "flying" that he wouldn't hold still long enough to get a good picture. This was a borrowed costume, so again, love the $0 pricetag. (Dave Ramsey should be so proud.)

I was going to throw together a flower costume, of sorts for baby girl. But, then found a $6 pink leopard costume Halloween day, and decided it would be less hassle and possibly warmer. I didn't even think to draw a nose or whiskers or anything, but she kept the hat on longer than expected, so it was all good. It won't be long before she wants to be a fairy, or princess, and the costumes will cost more than $6. . .so I decided to slack while I can still get away with it. :)

It has become Halloween tradition that my BFF and I get our kids together and go trick or treating in my old neighborhood (where BFF currently lives, across the street from my parents). Again, blurry pictures. Either my camera was on the wrong setting, or everyone was too excited to hold still.

So Halloween was fun. The trick or treating only lasted for about a block before my two littlest ones burnt out. I wish I would've trick or treated in my own hood (ward boundaries), I love my old neighborhood, but it isn't home to me anymore. Also, I wanted to see more of my friends in costumes. (I hope they all dressed up and felt as dorky, and awesome, as I did.)

What a Difference a Decade Makes

2009-10-23T14:39:00.003-06:00

Ten years ago today I was in a life-altering car crash. I was driving home from BYU and was driving through a green light at an intersection and another car coming the opposite direction decided to make a left turn directly into my car. They were old people, so I don't know whether they just didn't see my car, or they had meant to turn much sooner and their reflexes were dangerously slow, because they turned so late that they hit me nearly head-on, and it made my car spin almost 180 degrees in the opposite direction.

I jumped out of the car, very much in shock, because I was running through a very busy highway, trying to tell people that we really needed to move my car out of the way because it was going to back up traffic. I don't remember all the details. I remember crying when they took the old people away in stretchers (even though it wasn't my fault.) I remember having to call my Dad and tell him his car was totaled. Everyone kept asking me if I was okay, because the crash was pretty hairy. But, I felt okay. I was scared half to death, but I didn't feel any pain--yet.

It wasn't until about 3 days later that I really felt the pain. The worst pain I had ever felt in my life (I hadn't been through childbirth at that point). Whiplash kind of has a bad reputation as being a "fake" injury, but it is no joke. The pain was so bad that it made me nauseous, it made me vomit, I had muscle spasms, vertigo, pain on the left side of my body that quite literally went from my head to my toes.

And the pain didn't go away, I tried resting for awhile, I tried physical therapy, chiropractics, and the pain just wouldn't go away. I couldn't sleep well, and I was exhausted all the time. I had to drop out of school--I was starting the program to be a Seminary teacher that semester--I also had to quit my job. Weeks went by and I was still in pain, becoming a pitiful lump of a person, and then months went by. My parents were so annoyed, wanting me to get better, get a job, and move out of the house.

I couldn't do it. There were times when I wanted to die, so I wouldn't be in pain anymore. I became so depressed because no one could see my injuries, no casts, no surgeries, and yet the pain was unbearable. I would try to get a job, and I wouldn't be able to meet the demands of the job, so I would I would have to quit. I felt my dreams slipping away, I lost my hobbies, and I saw a life of chronic pain stretching out before me.

After many months, I started being treated at the University of Utah pain management clinic. No one could fix me, there was no cure so I had to deal with chronic pain. Treatments included physical therapy; epidurrals and "trigger point injections"(which means a course of about 20 shots each week); Psychotherapy for the depression; hypnosis and relaxation therapy, etc., etc. This went on for over a year, and I began learning how to deal with my "illness", I began planning a life around pain.

There were many blessings that also came out of this time in my life. I couldn't pursue my academics or my career path, so instead I worked on my spirituality. I had some amazing spiritual experiences during this time, sometimes they say that physical weakness can make you more sensitive to the things of the spirit, and I also prepared myself to go through the temple. That was perhaps the greatest thing that came out of this time. Not working or going to school allowed time for me to attend the temple once a week. The temple was my greatest source of strength and peace during those times.

Also, I was very humbled. I had always been such a kn0w-it-all, so judgmental, had my college and career path all planned, and I came to realize how little I actually knew about life.

In my personal life, my dating experiences had been mostly negative up to that point. I had begun to become very negative and "bitter", and kind of a man hater. After my accident, I was quite literally softened by my hard times. I was battered to the point that my rough edges were wearing off. I mellowed out, and despite my discouragements became less cynical. Undoubtedly that is what prepared me to meet my now husband. We met about 9 months after my car accident. I was much more loving (no more man-hating) and more loveable.

My husband married me despite my health problems--knowing full well that I might struggle with pain my whole life. That I would probably never hold a full-time job, and that there would be days that I might lie in bed the whole day. Wow--he must have really loved me. For the first year of our marriage, my health actually got much worse and I got sick with other problems.

It wasn't until nearly 3 years after my car accident that I started to be somewhat "normal" again. I began to work part-time at a job I loved. I had tried to return to school after we were first married and, even when my health started to improve, it didn't feel right. For some reason I felt that it was the right thing for me to drop out, and I'm still waiting for the right time to go back and finish. (30 credits away from graduating.)

It has taken me years to get where I am today. There have been problems that have come up over the years (ie. TMJ) that have been painful and annoying, which they attribute to the damage to my neck in the accident.

But, honestly, I feel so blessed today. I am healthier and stronger than I have been in years! I thought my life would be filled with chronic pain, and that everything I ever did, or wanted to do, would have to be managed around pain and limitations. I can now do ANYTHING I want. I do yoga, I play basketball, I dance--not very well--I cook, clean, and balance the budget, I take care of 3 kids, and the only thing stopping me is laziness--not pain.

I feel so blessed that I never got hooked on pain medication. At that time Oxycontin was a popular treatment for chronic pain issues, and I am so glad I never even tried the stuff. I have seen many people, who are in very real pain, make life even worse because of addiction to it.

I ran on the treadmill today and I felt so FREE. It took me probably 4 years after the accident before my muscles could take high impact activity like running without the pain becoming debilitating. I am so grateful to be able to run today--not so grateful that I want to run for very long, but grateful nonetheless. :)

My life is so much better than I thought it would be 9 years ago. It reminds me to live it to the fullest. My only limitations now are self-imposed.

My heart goes out to anyone in pain--physical or emotional. Chronic pain is very real and very devastating. Sometimes there is pain that is so hard to see or understand, and I know how it feels to have everyone looking down on you because they "think you should be better by now." This is also true of depression.

So, I'm also grateful for the sympathy and compassion that my accident instilled in me. I'm not perfect, undoubtedly I'm still more judgmental than I should be, but my soul was changed by my trial--hopefully changed for the better. Hopefully I am more equipped to "lift up the hands that hang down" and "strengthen the feeble knees."

I truly know that I was very literally healed by my faith in the Savior. I don't mean to imply that people who are in chronic pain don't have enough faith. But, for me, it has been testified to me by the Spirit that because I had faith to be healed, a gift of the Spirit, I was healed. There was a time when I thought that I might never be fully, physically healed. . .but my soul was healed, and the pain in my heart was relieved.

For the times when I was discouraged and in pain, and the times now when I feel weak and inadequate and my soul is pained, I think of the scripture story of the man whose child was suffering, nearly unto death, and he desires the Savior to heal his child. The Lord teaches, "All things are possible to him that believeth" and the father in total desperation and ultimate humility, in tears cries out "Lord, I believe. Help thou mine unbelief."

My faith and my life's experiences (particularly the hard ones) have taught me that all things are possible through the Savior, and I pray for my own unbelief and pray that I will be strengthened in my faith to turn to Him whenever I need healing. And I need healing often. We all do.

Frosting Face

2009-10-18T19:11:00.003-06:00

It's been a little while, but I gotta post the pictures of Ruby's first birthday celebration. It wasn't much of a celebration. I know that it was her first birthday, and I should have made a big deal of it, but I didn't want to spend any money and I didn't feel like doing a big party, (and I knew Ruby wouldn't care either way) so, all we did was have cake with Grandma and Grandpa. All we really wanted was to see Ruby cover herself in cake.

Mike decorated the cake, of course, but he's not really that thrilled with flowers and butterflies. I think it was pretty cute, despite the fact that Mike wasn't that into it, and all I could find in Wal-mart was petal pink and pale yellow decorating frosting--not what my creative vision had called for.

Getting ready for the party.

She's so embarrassed to be the center of attention.

Not sure what Grandpa's doing here. I just had to document it, because he is always making a fool of himself to get Ruby to crack a smile. I love it!

She preferred this butterfly cookie rather than cake.

Feeling the guilt that inevitably follows after making a pig of yourself! ;)

Happy Birthday, to my baby girl who won't be a baby much longer. ( I wonder how long it will be until she asks for a Princess-themed birthday?)

Big Girl

2009-10-09T21:28:00.005-06:00

Yesterday was my sweet baby's birthday. We haven't celebrated yet, so stay tuned for the baby attacking the birthday cake type pictures. But, I still had to take a minute to pause and reflect on the fact that my baby, the last baby I plan to have, will not be a baby much longer. In fact, she started taking her first steps during her birthday week. Yay!

She's adorable and I think she just gets cuter and more fun everyday. I'd take a busy, trouble-making 1 year old over a newborn anyday! Oh man, I may regret that I said that here in a few more weeks because this child is quickly turning into a terror.

These pictures were all taken on the day of her birthday--she had a very busy day.

Climbing on something precarious (one of her favorite tricks), and yes it often ends with her falling on her head.

I think I have a picture of each one of my babies sitting on the dishwasher. They love it. But, she is the first to ignore my "no, no's" and actually have the audacity to stand up and dance on it. She thought she was hot stuff. She found a stage for her booty shakin'.

Big girl carseat, facing forward. And yet she still screams whenever I put her in her carseat.

Unloading the dressers quickly (and constantly), oops she knows she's busted!

Relaxing with Daddy.

So, it's official my baby's a toddler. The boys think it is so exciting and they cheer wildly whenever she tries to walk (which actually makes her fall down.) She is already lots of fun, and lots of trouble, I'm already worrying that she won't like me when she's a teenager. So glad she's in our family.

Thank you, Don!

2009-09-27T15:05:00.006-06:00

A producer at KUTV2 news gave us tickets to the "Greatest Show on Earth", probably because my kids are the sweetest, most adorable kids on the whole earth! Okay, really the producer is my brother-in-law, who could get tickets for free from the station, and he is just a really thoughtful guy who knew my kids would love it. Uncle Don is now a hero to 4 little boys, and 2 moms, because we all had a blast. . .made even more wonderful by the fact that it was free.

I have never been to the circus before, and I thought it was amazing.

One of the most amazing things about the circus, was that it held my kids' attention for 2 1/2 hours.

The kids loved the animal acts the most. Nick also really loved the dogs doing tricks, despite the fact that he HATES dogs in every day life. Nick said, his favorite part was the "Fwoo Whoo" part, whatever that means. I think the two older boys understood how scary, and incredible it is that one guy can be in the same cage with 8 tigers, basically dancing with them.

However, I think it was the Moms who were really wowed by the acrobats, the tight-rope walkers, and whatever these are called pictured below. I'm not sure the kids completely understood how freakin' amazing these people are. Maybe a little, though, because I asked Gavin if he wanted to be in the circus when he grows up and he said, "No way! I'm not going way up there." (Referring to the tight rope.)

I don't know what it was about this act, but it made me really jump. I don't know if he was just hamming it up for the show, but one guy seemed to nearly lose his balance and fall off several times. Crazy!
And of course, every circus must have clowns. These were by far the cutest ones!
Thanks again, Uncle Don, you rock! Please remember how cute and adorable and appreciative these kids are whenever tickets for free events come your way! ;)

Father's and Sons Campout

2009-09-20T21:33:00.004-06:00

So I'm about a week late in posting this, but it was a big deal for our family. Mike took our sons on their first ever father's and sons campout. It was a big hit! The weekend before the campout, Mike and the boys (and the neighbor boys) had a trial run campout in our backyard. It went well, the boys slept through the night, so they were ready to attempt a real, legit campout.

Not only was this their first father's and sons campout, but it was really their first time camping EVER. I think it went really well. Although, I think at one point our 3 year old got lost in the woods (not kidding) a detail which Mike downplayed. Mike wasn't too worried about it, since they weren't exactly camping in a remote area and there were several wards camping in the vicinity. He wasn't the only kid who got lost (albeit for a short amount of time), so I guess that's just what happens when the Dads are in charge.

It went smoothly enough that Mike wants to make it an annual tradition. In fact, I think he'd like to camp even more often than that. Now that our boys are getting old enough for more adventure. Good thing he has two sons then, so I can send them all off camping. Because, I gotta admit, I'm really not that fond of camping.

My Dad asked my sons how the campout went, and Nick said, "It was so awesome. We got to pee in a bottle!" I guess that was the highlight. Mike had brought bottles into the tent, so they wouldn't have to hike down to the bathrooms at night. I think that is why men like camping and the mountains so much, so they can just pee anywhere with reckless abandon.

Now, I really need to give credit to my Man where credit is due. Sometimes he amazes me with his patience. I fully expected him and the boys to be tired and cranky the next day and for Mike to be ready for a break from father/son bonding time. But, to my surprise he decided to take them (and the neighbor kids) to the Comic book shop for some special event right after they returned from the campout. WOW! Impressive.
Here's Gavin with "Spiderman" at the comic book shop. Did you know that Spiderman has a daughter? She's kind of a diva, because she demanded to be in every kid's picture with Spiderman.

Needless to say, it was a great weekend for the boys. And me. ;)

Romance Revisited

2009-09-16T14:38:00.002-06:00

So, it's true, my husband dropped the ball on my birthday. He did NOTHING. I cried. He apologized. I'm not usually one to pout, but I think this particular fit has been building for many years. Hopefully we've both learned a little bit. From now on, I will not celebrate my birthday on any other day other than my actual birthday, because apparently that is just too confusing for a man, and I guess I'm still just immature enough that I need some attention on the actual day of my birthday (even if it falls on a Wednesday.) And only time will tell if Mike learned anything. Dr. Phil says, "you teach people how to treat you", so that is why I finally decided to not excuse my husband on this one.

HOWEVER, I recently had a conversation with a group of women that changed my perspective and left me feeling a lot more merciful towards my husband.

After discussing my birthday disappointments, we talked about what their various husbands did, or did not do, on their birthdays, anniversaries, and even marriage proposals. And I gotta tell you, it left me feeling pretty sorry for men. It must be really, really hard to please a woman. . .and the kicker is that every woman is so different.

For example, some women desperately want to be surprised (me) and some women HATE surprises. They hate not being in control of the situation. One woman told a story about a friend whose husband had planned a surprise trip--he had taken care of the babysitting, packed her bags, and not even told her what was going on until they got to the airport--and she was really mad that he hadn't packed her any makeup or very cute clothes. SERIOUSLY?!!

Also, some women think it's incredibly unromantic to receive household appliances for their birthday, while other women wouldn't want anything as impractical as flowers and/or jewelry. Some women are so mad if their husbands don't spend money and buy gifts, whereas other women would be so angry about their husbands spending too much money.

We want romance, but then we want to complain about the restaurant, the hotel, the gift, whatever it was that he picked out without OUR input. How can a poor guy ever get it right?

It seems so unromantic to ASK for exactly what we want. I mean, if you've been married for more than 5 years you start to think your man should just KNOW his woman by now. . .but yet, it seemed a pretty common theme to be disappointed by our husband's gestures.

So, I am trying to figure this all out. There are certain things that just don't come naturally to my husband, and I can't keep faulting him for that. I'm going to have to be okay with telling him what I want, and him doing exactly what I asked for (with no "romantic" variations.) For example, I often tell my husband that when I'm feeling insecure I just want him to hug me and say something reassuring. So, right after I said that, he hugged me and said, "something reassuring." :P

I love my man, there are some areas where he is a freakin' husband superstar that could teach classes to other men. And then there are some areas where he's not so awesome. But, I guarantee the same could be said of me as a wife.

So, after talking to a bunch of other women, and realizing how incredibly hard we are to please, I must plead with all of you--if your man does anything that remotely resembles a romantic gesture, PRAISE him like he just cured cancer. If they need to be taught and trained a bit about your particular preferences, do it delicately, lovingly, and preferably not DURING the event in question.

What is romance anyway? Why can't I be content with a husband who makes breakfast for my kids every Saturday morning and then CLEANS IT UP while I stay in bed? Or who takes the kids--without ever complaining--while I go shopping, go to yoga, go out with girlfriends, etc. Wouldn't I rather have every day kindness than grand gestures once a year? Nope, I'm a woman, I want both! It must be hard work being married to a woman. So go give your man a squeeze and tell him thank you for putting up with your womanness. :)

09-09-09

2009-09-09T13:31:00.005-06:00

It doesn't seem like that long ago that it was 9-9-99 and I was turning 21. That birthday was a lot more exciting. I went out dancing to a good 21+ dance club and really celebrated (wait, despite the way that sounded, I did NOT celebrate by taking advantage of my legal drinking status.) Dancing was enough of a "high" for me. There is a part of me that really wishes I could go out dancing to celebrate this birthday, too. But, then I'd be one of those sad "old" ladies at the dance club trying desperately to cling to youth.

So, today I'm 31. Not nearly as cool as 21, not nearly as traumatizing as 30, and so despite the fact that today is 09-09-09, a super cool date, a birthday that I used to think about as a kid, I'm doing a whole lot of nothing.

I guess I can't complain too much, because my family celebrated by making me a steak dinner last Saturday. Then, on Monday, Mike took the kids for several hours while I went shopping. We were given some Nordstrom gift cards a few months ago, and I have been saving them specifically for buying myself a birthday present. I went to the Nordstrom rack (to maximize my return) and came home with a few outfits, and these beautiful babies:

Nothing says, "I'm 31 and fabulous" like gold slingback wedges! Then, on Monday night Michael and I went on a date. We decided to try something new, which turned out not to be the best idea for a birthday dinner.

We went to the new Zupas in AF. (The shadows on our faces are a little weird in this pic, but we were just trying to capture the occasion.) Here's my review of Zupas--Soups B+, Salads and Sandwiches, C-. But, I don't care where I eat as long as I get the chance to dress up, have my husband dress up, and go out without kids. (Oh wait, that's not true, I'd be seriously upset if I had to eat at McDonald's for my birthday. )

Here's a close-up of my cute husband with his "old lady." Yes, I'm older than my husband and I just have to be okay with it. But, there's no denying that the years (and babies) are starting to show on my face (and on my boobs! ;) Oh well, the great thing about being 31 is that I now know how to use make-up and fashion to both minimize and maximize--if ya know what I mean!

I don't mean to be ungrateful, because I love my husband very much. He is so great about being kind and thoughtful daily. He always helps and never complains. But, special occasions are not his forte. I think since he went out on a date with me on Monday he thinks he's covered. But, am I so selfish for wanting to make the day of my birthday a little bit special? I mean, 09-09-09 seems like such an interesting day, it seems like something awesome should happen. Well, it's 2pm, and I'm not exactly holding my breath.

My little sister is coming over to make me a birthday dinner, and her food is definitely awesome. But, I'm still feeling a little sad that this ONCE IN A MILLENIUM day, is going to go out with more of a whimper than a bang. Oh well, Happy birthday to me! At least I have facebook to help get me a little attention! :)

Once in a lifetime

2009-08-28T20:51:00.007-06:00

So, I know that the first day of Kindergarten and/or school is sort of the blog post du jour right now. And while the topic may not be that interesting to most of you (because your kid going to Kindergarten wasn't really that interesting for me), I just have to say that this time it's just not about you! :P This is about documenting the little moments that are a really big deal to a precious little 5 year old. This is his first day of "real school", and that only happens once!

Absolutely no tears and no fears for the Kindergartener or his mother! He has been anxiously awaiting (to the point of driving me crazy) starting school, especially this past week because he had to stay home for the first week while most of his friends already started. (Sadistic school district messing with kindergarteners, anyway.)

Mrs. Barlow, is an intern this year, so she was probably more nervous than Gavin. I told him that she's bound to be cool because she is a red-head like me. (To which he replied, "your hair is yellow right now Mom." No, it's highlighted yellow, but still red. I mean, come on, what Kindergartener can't understand the nuances of hair color and highlights. Guess he'll be in Resource Styling this year. ;)

Okay, it wasn't the TOTAL truth when I said I had no fears. The only anxiety I felt was when school let out, because the neighbor boys were supposed to pick him up and walk home with him. I just kept picturing my son being the only Kindergartener left behind on the first day of school. BUT, he wasn't. They found him and delivered him, not only in one piece, but with a great big smile and an orange Costco donated backpack that now matches the entire student body!

Fire & Ice Cream

2009-08-11T14:59:00.020-06:00

Nick turned 3 on Sunday, and we had a firefigher themed birthday. Yes, Nick is supposed to be the star of this show, but his cake was pretty awesome, and I think Nick's Daddy is a superstar for the creation he pulled off! I think Mike even surprised himself with this creation. I was amazed by his vision and his execution of this thing--fire truck cake complete with house on fire, and firefighters. My brain doesn't even work like that!

We took about 10 pictures of this cake, but I totally forgot to take pictures of Nick actually blowing out the candles. Oops. (I think we got it on video, maybe.)

Nick also got a little tent shaped like a fire truck.

Also, for the birthday we took a trip to the fire station last week. Nick and several of his friends got a tour of the Orem fire station. Here are the highlights:

It was great, free entertainment for a bunch of little boys. The highlight of the trip of course was when they turned on the lights and sirens of the fire truck. It might have been a budget birthday--but, Nick was thrilled!

I've got nothin'

2009-07-30T21:47:00.011-06:00

I don't really have anything terribly interesting to write. In fact, I debated about even posting anything, because I don't really have much to say. My summer has not been constant excitement, adventures, or travels like some people I know (big sis). It has been good. I've got no complaints. But, I do have a few dilemmas. Right now my children's nap schedules are not coordinating very well. I've got a baby who wants to sleep from 11:30-1:30, then a 3-year old who wants to (not really wants to, but you know what I mean) sleep from 1:30-4:00pm, and then the baby needs to go down again by 4:30 or 5. So that makes me stuck home for a good part of the day! I've been working on trying to hold the baby off until 12:30, so that the naps overlap better--but, let's be honest, I am a slave to baby's schedule.

My other dilemma is that I will not take all 3 of my kids to the swimming pool by myself. My boys are NOT what you might call "fish." They are still afraid of the water, they don't even like to get their faces wet. Gavin (my 5 year old is getting better), but Nick still pretty much wants to cling to me for dear life the entire time, which makes it hard for me to simultaneously hold Ruby who wants to leap out of my arms. Needless to say, I have only been to the pool twice this summer, and only able to do that with the help of my very patient, helpful Mom.

I had a couple days this past week when I had really hurt my neck and back and I was a pitiful, lump of a mother. So, I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. There was just no way I could lug around my little 20lb Fatso in her 8lb car seat. So, we were stuck home. My children resorted to this:

As per my last post, we have enjoyed the mountains quite a bit this summer. We go jeeping up AF canyon as often as we possibly can. (Sunday afternoons are usually free.) It is so therapeutic! It is beautiful, our kids enjoy it, the sound of the river is one of my favorite sounds, it is much less work than hiking, and it's relatively cheap entertainment (besides the gas for his 1980 fuel-inefficient engine). Last year I couldn't enjoy it completely because I was way to pregnant and it sent me into miserable contractions. So, this year has been fabulous! Maybe next year we can do Moab or Zion's and that'll be a worthy blog post.
Here are random pictures of our little, relatively uneventful, beautiful life.

The usual-hanging out watching TV.

She's trying to be on her feet as often as possible.

The boys working on the jeep, getting ready for a mountain excursion.

All of us hanging out by our new favorite picnic spot up past Silver Lake.

I called this post "I've got nothin'" because I've got nothin' terribly interesting or insightful to post about--but, truly, I've got everything I need.

America, the beautiful

2009-07-12T15:17:00.009-06:00

This post isn't going to be nearly as patriotic as it sounds. But, it is about what we did on the 4th of July, so that's how it ties in. Mike and I celebrated our anniversary by leaving the kids with my parents all day on the 4th and spending the whole day jeeping through the mountains. We went up East of Park City on the back side of the Wasatch mountains and visited the Upper Provo River Falls and Mirror Lake. It was beautiful and peaceful and serene and romantic! Mike really enjoyed celebrating our anniversary in the jeep, because with the top off it is too loud to talk to each other. That is totally his kind of bonding! :) So here are a bunch of pictures of the beautiful mountains we got to enjoy without kids!

The last picture is of this beautiful, quiet little pond that we found while offroading in the jeep. It was beautiful, but there was something really eerie about the calm there, so far away from anyone or anything. Maybe it's just because I'm not an avid camper or hiker who is used to being so high in the pristine mountains, or maybe it was my sixth sense, but I felt like we were a little too close to nature for comfort, I felt something ominous close by--a bear, a mountain lion, or. . . . . .vampires! Okay, not vampires, but I told Mike we had to get outta there because I was feeling pretty vulnerable. Mike thought I was being silly, but he was hoping that it would convince me to let him get a rifle. Nice try!

I am really grateful for the beautiful mountains nearby. There is so much beauty all over in these mountains. I like the occasional hike, but I gotta admit, I enjoy the mountains just as much from the jeep. We're more "at one" with nature when the top's off!

"Us"

2009-07-01T10:13:00.004-06:00

JUNE 30, 2009: Our 8-year wedding anniversary! Every year it reminds me that time goes by so quickly. It's amazing how fast life starts to go once you get married. Life doesn't even really begin, if you ask me, until marriage. It's all just kind of a warm-up or a preparation before that. When I was single, I spent so much energy worrying that I wouldn't ever find the right person, and now I sort of wish I would've enjoyed my few fleeting single years a lot more. And had I fully realized what kind of man I really deserved (Michael), I wouldn't have wasted my time and tears on losers. They were all such losers compared to Michael. Aaaaaaah, well hindsight is 20/20. It's kind of like the scriptures say, "you have to pass through a bunch of losers, in order to appreciate the good man"--or something like that. ;) I DID appreciate the good man, pretty much from the very beginning. It was so effortless with him. He disarmed my defenses right away, without me even realizing it. I fell in love with him in just a few days--and I had never been in love before, not even close. He was, and still is, the perfect complement to my personality and he has softened and refined me over the years. He is everything I needed, but not what I myself would have put on my own Man checklist. I'm sure so many of you could say the same things about your husbands. But, alas, it is not perfect and we are still in process and in progress. I've heard it said, the key to a great marriage is this: "Choose wisely, treat kindly." I've never questioned my original choice of an eternal companion. It was more than just a wise choice--undoubtedly it was divinely guided. So, now it's up to me to treat him kindly. I've been practicing for 8 years, have been better at it at some times than others, but I'm more than happy to spend the next 8 years and the 8 after that, and the 8 after that (you get the idea) trying to perfect it.

When I look at that sketch of us (it was by some street artist on our honeymoon in San Francisco), I think "we were just kids--and we thought we were big enough to get married." Even funnier, is that I thought I knew so much about marriage--being a Family Science major and all. Ha! So, in honor of our 8 years of Marriage Education, I am going to write 8 things about what I thought BEFORE I got married, and how it has all actually worked out.

8. Never go to bed angry. (Reality check: No one is reasonable when they are too tired, it's so much better to stop talking, sleep on it, and then deal with it if it's still a problem after a good night's sleep. )

7. Talk things out until you both feel resolved. (Reality check: There are some issues that keep coming up for years, and after you spend the first few years trying to overanalyze, talk, talk, talk, seeking for some perfect resolution, but doing nothing but creating more pain and frustration, you kind of start to know that it's often most helpful to keep your mouth shut.)

6. Division of labor should be 50/50. (Reality check: Anytime you are paying too close of attention to the balance of labor, making sure everything is fair, you'll probably end up feeling resentful. In theory, I get the good intentions of this principle, but the variables of marriage are so much more complicated than that.)

5. Men don't change. (Reality check: They actually do! Men grow and learn and mature. But, the KEY is not expecting them to change in the ways YOU want them to. My man has changed a lot in very favorable ways over time, but when I married him I was willing to take him for what he was.

4. Marriage gets easier the longer you are married. (Reality check: It's a roller coaster ride. There are times that are totally smooth when you really pride yourself on how great your marriage is, and then there are times, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere, that are hard as hell! Or maybe I just need a lot more years under my belt to verify this one.)

3. Children are the crowning joy of a marriage. (Reality check: This is both true and false. :)

2. Marriage is hard work. (Reality check: Okay, this is true, but you don't fully understand what kind of work until you are actually married. It's like the peace corps--"The hardest job you'll ever LOVE." I actually really enjoy the work of marriage, I'm fascinated by the process. It is truly an ingenious part of God's plan. )

1. We will have sex every day! (Reality check: ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Still laughing. Wouldn't it be great if we did, though?)

Here's to the best 8 years of my life! There are many times when I feel like June 30, 2001 was the day I won BIG in the lottery. So congratulations, to me, on hitting the jackpot and enjoying the rewards for 8 years. I hope he feels the same!

I had to do it

2009-06-26T12:01:00.004-06:00

Say what you will, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE me some Michael Jackson. ALWAYS HAVE. I endured lots of ridicule through junior high and high school because of my loyalty to MJ. But, people, he was amazing! He revolutionized music and especially DANCE. I have worshipped the dance moves of Michael since I was 6 years old and my mother taught me and my sisters a dance to "Beat It." I had to pay tribute. He was amazing, an icon, the center of my love for music and dance for my whole life. I have been mourning him for a very long time already.

In Memorium:
My top five MJ music videos:

5. Remember the Time (super cheesy, but amazing dancing.)
4. Beat It
3. Thriller
2. Scream (With Janet)
1. Smooth Criminal--(If you think Thriller is his best dance video, then you are not a true fan. The dance sequence in this gives me goose bumps!)

My top five MJ songs:
5. Say, Say, Say (with Paul McCartney)
4. Billie Jean
3. Human Nature
2. The Way You Make Me Feel
1. Who's Loving You? (From the Jackson 5)

I could go on and on. But, this video speaks for itself. God bless you, Michael Jackson.

One Man's Trash. . .

2009-06-22T13:29:00.003-06:00

These are Gavin's "treasures." Gavin is always collecting treasures. He always needs some kind of little box for his treasures. Cool rocks are really his most valued treasures, but he likes most things that are small enough to fit in his little box. Can you tell what some of his little "treasures" are?

When I saw this, it made me think of that old saying about what little boys are made of--something about snails and puppy dog tails. Well, my boys are made up of rocks, LOTS of sand, rolie polie bugs, screws, boogers, and more sand. Gotta love it!

Silly DNA

2009-06-15T14:02:00.010-06:00

I've been wanting to do a post for awhile about how much I do and do not look like my siblings. I've compared Facebook profile pictures and have come to the conclusion that I look most like my brother. My two sisters look like each other. And being the only fair-skinned, redhead in the entire family I always felt like the odd sibling out. So, here are our pics--you be the judge.

ME (#3 of 4 kids)

Justin (#2 of 4)

Jess (#1 of 4)

Janey (#4 of 4)

Also on the topic of DNA, I thought it would be fun to do comparisons of my kids. My two boys have looked so much alike since the day they were born. When my second son was born I had a "Deja Baby" moment because he looked EXACTLY like my first. They still look so much alike. But often when I look at Ruby I see glimpses of the same babies I've had before. So here's an age-to-age comparison. Each of the kids at 8 mos. They definitely look related!

It is a good thing Gavin has a nub, or I wouldn't be able to tell whose baby pics are whose. And Ruby has turned out to be my chubbiest baby ever (you know, after the initial super tiny, starvation phase)! DNA is such a funny thing. With my kids, you can see me or Mike in them depending on which one of us is holding them. I have a little of each of my parents, too. And while I don't look as much like my sisters--we all have the exact same voice and laugh!

My love/hate relationship with Dave Ramsey

2009-05-26T16:24:00.003-06:00

I have been mentioning Dave Ramsey a lot lately, both on Facebook and in real life, so I thought I needed a blog post to explain it all. We went to see Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover Live Event" in Salt Lake on May 16th. For people who don't know him, Dave Ramsey is a financial guru who writes bestselling books, has a talk radio call-in show, and is broadcast on the Fox Business network. His whole premise is called "Baby steps to financial freedom." He has 7 steps that, if followed dilligently, will ultimately lead to wealth and freedom.

Okay, so, we've been trying all year to be more conscious of our finances and Mike has decided to actually get involved for the first time in years. But, now after going to Dave Ramsey, we have a concrete plan and some very tangible financial goals. We also bought a 13 week course called "Financial Peace University" which is giving us all the tools and motivation we need to finally do this right. For those of you who are interested the baby steps are:
1-Get $1000 into an emergency fund
2-Pay off all debt (except your house)
3-Get 3-6 months of expenses into a "fully funded" emergency fund.
4-Invest 15% into retirement accounts
5-Save your children's college tuition
6-Pay off your house
7-Build wealth and give

You focus exclusively on each step until you get to #4, then 4, 5, & 6 can all be worked on at the same time. How quickly you move through the steps depends pretty much on one thing--DISCIPLINE.

So, we have a very strict budget (something we haven't done in years) and we are literally watching every dollar! I am cracking down! Me and Mike are both super motivated and excited about the whole process. (It's hard to get excited about budgeting, so when you do, you have to ride that momentum as much as you can.) My brain is thinking constantly about "Where can I save more?" and "How can I make more?" I have been selling stuff like crazy. But, I'm still not sure what I can do to bring in more money. My motivation right now is that I really want a bigger house--either cash to remodel this one, or a big down payment for a bigger one.

Right now it feels like a money "diet." I'm feeling the deprivation (especially because I really want some new clothes for summer.) But, we haven't been at it that long, so I'm really hoping that it can become a lifestyle change that starts to come a little more naturally after a few months.

I'm also open to any brilliant ideas or tips anyone has on how I could bring in some money or how I can save more? Please share.

On a lighter note. . .

2009-05-22T11:05:00.007-06:00

Thank you everyone for your support on my last post. I probably should have just completely ignored the situation and not even acknowledged it. But, I'm over it now. So, here's some positivity instead--the cuteness of my children (particularly Ruby.)

Gavin had his preschool graduation this week. It was pretty cute, but I am not at all ready for school to be done. How many days until kindergarten starts? And for that matter, how many years until ALL of my children are in school?

"Blogstabbing"

2009-05-14T10:53:00.003-06:00

Blog-stab-bing--verb; play on the word "back-stabbing"
1. Using information and/or commentary on someone's blog (usually out of context or in a misconstrued way) as fodder for gossip and backbiting about them. 2. Reading a blog for the purpose of fueling your own dislike of that person. (I just made this term up, and the definition, but it gets the point across.)

Perhaps I am naive, but I was under the mistaken impression that most people read the blogs of people they consider friends--that when you read someone's blog it is because you care about that person and want to stay in touch with what is going on in their life. I have LOVED blogging--it has helped me make new friends as well as reconnect with old friends. But, I have heard rumors of the possible down side of blogging. I have learned the hard way that there are people, and these people are considered ADULTS (at least legally, anyway) who "blogstab." These types of petty people have most likely been like this since, oh I would guess, JUNIOR HIGH, but now they just have better technology than note passing.

Despite my initial protective instinct, I have decided NOT to take my blog private. I have loved keeping it open so that people can find me easily. I have always been open and honest on this blog about my own imperfections and insecurities, operating under the assumption that I was among friends. And while I have received so much love and support, I will definitely be more mindful in the future and possibly protect myself a little more.

It has not been my intent to show off how "awesome" I am on my blog. If you read my blog and you leave thinking I am awesome, that is okay with me. But, if you read my blog and you don't like what you read. . .feel free to stop reading at anytime and return to the blogs of your friends (that is, if you have any left after talking so much crap about them.) So, the bottom line of this post is: take me for what I am, or leave me--no, seriously, please leave me!

The Nicest Person in the World

2009-05-11T13:26:00.002-06:00

I have to publicly thank my amazing friend Kacey, who just did the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long while. Kacey just came from Florida with her two babies (19 mos. and 4 mos.) She had to fly here by herself and I'm sure she was so excited to finally have her family to help give her a much needed break. But, she, in an act of selfless service that I'm not sure I would ever be capable of, decided to leave her kids with her Mom on Friday night and come over to my house to stay with MY kids so that me and my husband could go on a date for the first time in I can't remember when. It was wonderful! I'm just so floored by how much she was willing to go out of her way (she called me and set the whole thing up), and give up her precious alone time, and stay up way too late, just for me. She could tell that I was struggling when I went out with her and my other girlfriends the night before. And she saw my need, and didn't hesitate. What an amazing person! Her one act of service taught me so much about friendship and service, and that I need to inconvenience myself a little more in order to help others. Kacey, when you read this, I want you to know that I think you have a heart of gold. You are such an example to me. It just came so naturally to you to offer help. I hope I can become more like that, where service just comes so naturally that I don't even have to think twice about it. Thank you, Kace, I love you. If there's ever anything I can do for anyone reading this, please ask me. Sometimes I just think I am so maxed out with my 3 kids and piles of laundry, but I really do WANT to serve in any way I can.

Finally feeling like Spring!

2009-05-03T18:52:00.004-06:00

It seemed to take forever. . .but, it finally feels like Spring. Actually, outside right now it's still too cold for me, but at least it's raining instead of snowing. It's MAY and we're only just now starting to get 3-4 warm days in a row. But, on the good days. . .we are really taking advantage of SPRING. I'm so excited that Ruby gets to start wearing her warm weather clothes. It better finally warm up once and for all, because she's growing out of everything with long sleeves! So, here she is in a cute "Springy" dress.

My kids love the warm weather and are outside every chance they get. But, I have to get a big sandbox ASAP, because they and all their friends will find somewhere to dig at any cost! It makes me a little crazy, because they will dig up my yard, and I am desperately trying to make the grass grow in better. I actually really hate the dirt, I know I have little boys so I need to get used to it, but dirt and mud tracked all around my house makes me nuts. So, here is Nick having a blast in the mud--Dad was in charge during this time--because I don't think I could have just calmly sat by and allowed this to happen. He sat there singing a song that went something like this, "I love nasty mud, I love nasty dirt, Mud is awesome, I love mud." (He got the "nasty dirt" part from me.) Aaaaah, such is Springtime, I guess.

Be thou humble, in thy callings

2009-04-18T15:18:00.004-06:00

Since this blog is my journal as well as my scrapbook, I had to write about my new calling as Gospel Doctrine teacher. Luckily, I team-teach with another guy, so I only have to teach every other week. But, this calling has been far more humbling than I expected. You see, I love teaching. I have taught gospel doctrine before in a student ward, I also taught Relief Society for two years, and I mean I'm the offspring of Brent L. Top--it should be an intrinsic part of my DNA. So, I wasn't nearly as intimidated by this calling as I should have been. With each lesson I have become increasingly more nervous and self-conscious. That doesn't even make any sense! It has just brought out some of my weaknesses and personality pitfalls. (For those of you who know me well, these won't come as news to you.) For example, I talk TOO MUCH and TOO FAST. Most of that is because I am nervous, but it is also that I have been learning so much in my study of the Doctrine & Covenants and the history of the church that I just want to share it all. But, I also am trying too hard to prove how much I know about the subject matter. I just want to be taken seriously by all the old men in the class. I am trying so hard to be a great teacher, that I am forgetting to really let the greatest teacher--the Spirit--take over.

I also have to admit that I need to be better about leading the class in a discussion rather than just talking the whole time. But, if any of you have a ward with a lot of elderly people you will understand what I'm about to say--I'm sort of afraid to open it up to comments too much because they sometimes say the weirdest things. That scares me a little. I know, though, that the people in the class need to be included in the discussion because each of us receives our own insights from the spirit, and we each have different experiences and perspectives that can enhance the doctrines. So, I'm trying to do better.

Those are just a few of my weaknesses. I guess I am grateful for the new experience and the challenge. It really is humbling me so much. i have to keep being reminded that this class is not about ME it is about HIM. I am, however, so grateful for this because it has scared me into reading my scriptures and studying the gospel more. I guess I had to be compelled to be humble. I hope I can keep doing better, but at least I know I'll be blessed just for trying.

California

2009-04-09T13:05:00.009-06:00

The first week of March I went on vacation to Newport Beach, CA with my Mom, my sister and her 7 kids. (That makes 3 adults and 10 kids.) It was really crazy! It had AWESOME moments and AWFUL moments. It was quite an adventure. I'm really glad my Mom decided to come because I couldn't have done it without her. My two smallest children seemed to have a hard time with travelling and with being surrounded by so many kids all the time. But, Gavin had a blast with all his cousins! And. . . .the BEACH, oh the BEACH. Whenever we were at the beach all our troubles were forgotten. It made all the stress and chaos (and fighting with my sister) worthwhile.

I feel badly that my sister and I had some tension. She was the one who orchestrated the trip and paid for the accomodations and it was really, really wonderful of her to include me and my kids. (Thanks, Jess!) But, it's just a little nuts to travel with 10 kids--which included my baby, 3 five year olds, and my 2 year old who screamed most of the time. So, I got a little too impatient and a little too ornery by the end. But, now that it's over, I'm just remembering the fun times.

Me and 8 kids at Disney's California Adventure Park. (My Mom kept my two little ones.) Someone told us to go here instead of Disneyland and that it was better for little kids (3-5). . .but, once we were there we wished we would've done Disneyland. For anyone who goes, if you don't get the park hopper pass and you have to choose just one park, choose Disneyland. The good thing about this park instead of Disneyland was that the lines were much shorter, so we got to do a lot more stuff. But, Disneyland is Disneyland. This one was pretty much like any amusement park anywhere. It was actually really fun, the kids were really good, nobody got lost, and Gavin got to ride his first roller coaster.

Some tidepools at Laguna Beach. Do you see the starfish?

Sunset at Laguna Beach (we loved this beach!)

This is how Ruby hung out at the beach--in my front pack. She loved it!

Flying kites at Newport Beach. I hope my kids know that they have the best Grandma ever. I love you Mom!

Excitement

2009-04-01T12:04:00.007-06:00

So, I mentioned that the past month has been more eventful than most. So, here are some of the things that have been going on:
1--We went to California for 5 days. I went with me and my 3 kids, my sister and her 7 kids, and my Mom. It was quite an adventure, to say the least, and I will do another post about that later because I still don't have my pictures from my sister's laptop.
2--I got called to teach gospel doctrine. Whoa. That is also something I will probably do a whole post about. I thought I liked teaching, but this has been more challenging than I ever expected! I also kept my other calling with Activity Days for the 8-9 year old girls. So, that's made for a few crazy weeks. (But, it makes me feel super righteous to have 2 callings! j/k)
3--Gavin had his 5th birthday. Yes, I have been a mother for 5 years! Wow! Fastest 5 years of my life. And like a sucker, I let him have a birthday party for all his cousins and friends. It ended up being 15 kids (mind you, my house is about 1400 sq. ft.) Thank goodness it was a beautiful day so I could send everyone outside.

Here are some highlights:

Superman themed birthday party (and that's his Superman pose.)
This is his present from me and Mike--I had to find this bad boy on Ebay. It has sound effects, red laser eyes, and a cape that "flies"--it was a hit!

Mike made the Superman cake. Mike was my own personal superhero because he helped me pull off a birthday party (complete with lunch) for 15 kids.

Aunt Jessica got Gavin his first bike. He's just learning how to ride and, even with training wheels, it makes me so nervous. But, it's also awesome. Gavin is starting to do things that when he was born we wondered how he would be able to do them with one hand. We thought we would have to engineer special handle bars for him or something, but he is adapting beautifully. If he isn't concentrating though, sometimes he does veer to the left! :)

Since Gavin upgraded to a bike, Nick got the old trike. I think he's pretty cute!

This is Ruby after the birthday festivities. I felt exactly the same way!!

I'm Back!

2009-03-26T15:21:00.002-06:00

I haven't had a computer in nearly a month. One week of that was because I was on vacation in California, the rest was because PC Laptops is the DEVIL and they act like they have a monopoly on compter repairs and they don't really need to be nice to you or fix your computer in a timely manner.

ANYWAY, I just wanted you all to know that I'm back. I don't have time (or the pictures I need) to do a real post right now. But, if you care, check back. Because the ironic thing is that the one month that I don't have a computer--interesting things actually happened in my life, for a change. To be continued. . .

The Little Things

2009-02-22T16:24:00.002-07:00

This is just a quick little post to keep track of some of the little things in life. First, I wanted to update everyone on Ruby's progress. I appreciated all the encouragement and advice everyone imparted. . .and ultimately it all worked out. I tried pumping and medication for my milk supply, and we also tried different things to get her to take a bottle, and it was a few days of anxiety and frustration but now everything's great. She is nursing and taking bottles. The pumping and the medications didn't work out so well, so I'm just going to do my best. Now that she loves bottles, she is less patient with my slow let-down and weak supply. If she stops nursing altogether, I'm not going to be upset about it. She's doing great with formula and has put on 1 1/2 lbs in like 10 days. (That's a 10% increase in weight!) She's also sleeping better. . .which means, I am sleeping better!

I also have to write some funny anecdotes about my kids. So, I have mentioned before that my 2 year old is computer-obsessed. Well, I didn't realize how much it has taken over his whole existence until the other day. He was sitting on his little training potty trying to get some poop out, and I said "Did you get the poopies out?", and he said, "Nope, they're still printing." And once he was done, he said, "The Poopies printed!" Also, the other day he wanted Grandma to write his name on a picture he had drawn, and he said, "Can you type in my name?"

You might've noticed that my children are in Superman jammies in every picture for the last two months (since Christmas.) Yes, they wear them pretty much constantly, and wait by the washer when they're getting washed. Gavin is totally Superman obsessed and the only person who is remotely as cool and powerful as Superman is Jesus. The other day, we saw a fire truck going through traffic and Gavin said, "Jesus needs to work with Superman to clear out all the traffic so the fire truck can get through more quickly." That's right, the Hero Heirarchy consists of Jesus, Superman, and firefighters. Last night, Gavin said, "Next year I want Jesus pajamas for Christmas!" I was so proud!

Happiness

2009-02-17T17:59:00.003-07:00

This is an easy tag and it's good for the soul. So, I don't feel guilty tagging a few others (see below). All you have to do is list 6 things that make you happy. I encourage you to be creative and try to think of some of the not-so-obvious ones.

1. Compliments from my husband (kind of a rarity, because he's not the most expressive guy, but when they come I always know they're sincere.)
2. Online shopping--ooooooohhhhhh the selection and the convenience and the deals!!!
3. Scoring points in a basketball game (even if we lose by a lot, I am happy if I scored a few good baskets.)
4. Anyone brushing or playing with my hair. (I play with my hair constantly, but that's more of a nervous habit. It feels so much nicer when someone else does it, even my boys are pretty good at it.)
5. Finishing a painting project. Mike painted my room for V-day and it's heaven!
6. Clean floors. I hate cleaning the floors sooooooo much, so once I actually get them clean it's total elation! (If only they could stay clean longer than 20 mins.)

So that's it. I guess I'm a simple girl. Okay, so I tag Amy, Anne, Jessica, and Meradith. But, really anyone who reads this can consider themselves tagged. It's good for all of us to focus on the positives. . .especially in mid-February!

My Valentine

2009-02-15T20:41:00.002-07:00

Michael made me this for Valentine's Day. The most impressive thing about it, is that he had the boys pose for it weeks ago--planning for special ocassions ahead of time isn't usually in character for him--so I was very impressed. I thought it was beautiful!

The Runt in question

2009-02-13T23:36:00.004-07:00

I thought those of you who have heard my lament about my poor starving child, would like to see the little pea. This was just taken today. I've only managed to get about 3 ounces of formula in her in about 4 days. Does she look fatter, yet? Didn't think so. But, I love her nontheless. Lots and lots, so much it kinda hurts right now.

Cute smile, despite being attacked by a Dorito munching Monster
At least she'll always be well protected.

Update

2009-02-11T17:57:00.003-07:00

So, I went to the doctor today for Ruby's 4 month Well Baby visit, and it turns out I was right to be concerned. The doctor said he could tell by looking at her that she was under nourished. She had taken a dip off of the growth chart in both weight and head size. He said he can tell by her skin and the lack of fat around her eyes and cheeks. He told me to start supplementing 8 ounces of formula a day and that we should start to see a marked improvement.

Well, I have tried several times today and she WILL NOT take a bottle. She gets sooooooo mad and gags and spits it out. I am going to keep trying, but what am I supposed to do if she won't take it? I worked so hard for so long to get her to breastfeed properly. It was so much pain and frustration. . .and now I feel like it's all starting over again with the bottle. (With my boys I introduced a bottle when they were under 6 weeks of age.) So, I am frustrated and stressed and concerned that she MUST get fed right away.

Thank you all of you dear sweet friends for being encouraging! I know that all of you Moms have had your share of pain and frustration and anxiety and fear about your babies. And, I do know how truly blessed I am to have my beautiful baby--frustrations and all. I know too many wonderful women who are having trouble conceiving. . .so I definitely don't want to seem ungrateful. I am so blessed and I know somehow it will all work out and she will be okay.

This is why I'm done.

2009-02-10T00:30:00.002-07:00

I want so badly to enjoy my sweet little baby. But, right now I am up at 12:30 AM because she has been screaming on and off for like 5 hours now. She has fallen asleep a few times, but only for about 15 mins at a time. I don't know what to do. I am an experienced mother, and yet I feel so helpless and clueless.

I've tried feeding, changing, bathing, Mylicon, rocking, walking, etc. So, now she is sitting wide awake in her swing. At least she's not screaming, but she's not sleeping either.

I'm just so exhausted tonight. I have been having major anxiety all day about her weight gain. She is four months old and barely even 10lbs. She is tiny. I thought breastfeeding had been going so well, but now I'm wondering all the time if I should supplement her with formula. How do I know if my milk supply is adequate? I've never done exclusive breastfeeding before. My other babies were small, but not this small. I'm just worrying constantly now.

She's not a good sleeper either. She still wakes up every 3 hours all night long to eat. I keep thinking she needs those feedings because she is so small. . .but it is wearing me out. I mean, can a person really keep going and going after 4 months of chronic sleep deprivation without going certifiably insane? Obviously not.

She does not have good sleep habits during the day, either. I know it's my fault and she has terrible habits. But, I'm just trying to survive. I don't know how to give her a nice, predictable routine when there is constant noise and chaos in my tiny little house. I spend so much of my day feeding her or holding her to try and get her to go to sleep. I know all about the concepts behind "Babywise", but even with baby #3, I am apparently "Babystupid."

So, this is why I want to be done having babies. I have been exhausted for like a year now. I don't feel like any of my children are getting what they need from me. As much as I love my little sweeties--babies have always kind of stressed me out. How do I stop stressing and just hold her and enjoy the fleeting moments. Because as an experienced Mom, the one thing I do know is that they don't stay babies long at all.

Superman needs recognition too!

2009-02-03T16:35:00.007-07:00

Gavin is jealous that I take so many pictures of Ruby. I take a picture of her any time she puts on a new outfit. I don't want Gavin to feel like she's my favorite. It's just that he looks the same everyday. He's always wearing his Superman pajamas. But, he needs some attention. He really wants to be the star of my blog for once. So here he is showing off his current obsession.

This is him as "Clark Kent"

Quick Change

Da da da--SUPERMAN!

The Superman obsession cracks me up. He (and his little brother) both "fly" through the house all day. We've had a few collisions. Whenever Gavin helps me, he says, "Mom, did I save the day?" And I get asked questions all day long, like "If Superman and a lion got in a fight, could Superman get bitten?", "Could Superman break off that doorknob?", "Does Superman like broccoli?", "Can bees sting Superman?" etc., etc.

Oh and I have to document another funny Gavin moment (unrelated to Superman.) Today he has a high fever, and even though he knows that Tylenol makes him feel so much better, he still screams and throws a fit about taking medicine. So, I have the little dosing syringe in my hand trying to convince him to take his medicine and he's covering his mouth and turning his head and crying. . .and I see my opening so I squirt it in his mouth and he suddenly stops screaming and says, "Hmmm, needs salt." I cracked up! He was so proud of his funny joke that he started laughing with me and suddenly he felt so much better. See, laughter is the best medicine for both feverish little boys and stressed out Moms.

Name That Tune

2009-01-28T19:49:00.003-07:00

Janey made this for Jessica, our oldest sister's, birthday. See if you know the song and the artist and the lyrics. Play with your hubbies and keep track of the points. It's nostalgic.

Ruby's Fashion Show

2009-01-18T16:04:00.001-07:00

Mini-Me

2009-01-09T13:56:00.010-07:00

Ruby looks like me. Even I can see it. My parents comment all the time on how much she reminds them of Baby Tiffy. So here's a comparison. I think it should be obvious if it's me or Ruby because of the quality of the photo. I can see the resemblance. . .can you?

We're both 3rd children, so she, like me, has to tolerated a sibling in her face all the time!

Postpartum Something

2009-01-03T12:57:00.002-07:00

Before I even start this post, I want to let all readers know that they are absolutely NOT allowed to leave comments telling me that I am beautiful. I know it sounds weird, but you will understand as I go on. I am sharing my innermost workings just for catharsis. Or in case it somehow makes someone else, who has similar feelings, feel better. I DO NOT want to be placated or validated in any way! So be warned. . .

So, I am having my postpartum identity crisis. It has happened after each kid. Only this time I'm 30, so I feel like it's worse. I think pregnancy makes me uglier each time. It has done weird things to my skin. It has changed the texture of my hair. I think it actually has made my nose bigger. And, of course, I don't even have to talk about what it has done to my body! I'm just feeling hopelessly ugly! And I know it is so shallow. I wish I was so evolved and mature that I didn't care. . .but, I do.

I only really have 3 shirts and 3 pair of pants that fit me. My weight loss has kind of plateaued, and I'm sure the holidays didn't help any. So that is frustrating. It will probably take a major effort to get off the last 10 (or ideally 15) pounds. They are going to be more stubborn now that I'm 30!
It's not like I've ever had a Bikini Body, so I don't have unrealistic expectations, I just want to fit in my clothes.

I just have issues about beauty, I always have. Growing up I was not a cute child. My "awkward" stage lasted from about 5-17. I struggled with my weight in high school and college. And I just felt like an ugly duckling compared to my pretty sisters. I think it's a red-head thing, people kind of treat you like you're ugly just for having red hair and fair skin.

I eventually blossomed and learned to make the most of what I was working with. I think I became the most beautiful after I met Michael. You know, like he was my Johnny Lingo and made me feel like a 10 cow woman, so I became one. (Or maybe more like 8 cows, in my case.) Anyway, I even felt good enough about myself to dabble in modeling. Wow! I look at that now and am so amazed that I did that. But, then I look at those pictures and feel like I've fallen so far from modelesque to frumpy Mom.

I guess I'm not a total loss. I enjoy a lot of things about beauty. I love make-up, and hair, and clothes and all that fun girlie stuff. I haven't given up altogether. I try to do my best to enhance the good and hide the bad. It is fun. For the most part, I don't do it for approval or self-esteem, I do it because I enjoy it and it makes me feel good. And there are plenty of days when I don't care and I will go out in public in jeans and a hoodie with no make-up.

It just feels like in the last year (spent pregnant and postpartum) I have felt doomed to feel ugly forever. Like I can't undo the damage done by pregnancy and aging.

Mike recently got back in touch with some of his old girlfriends on Facebook, and objectively speaking, they are prettier than me. It is so immature of me to even think like that. I wish I was so much more evolved than that, comfortable and secure in the love I share with my husband. But, no, I'm lame and insecure and start worrying that he wishes he would've married one of those prettier girls instead.

Now, I feel really exposed after sharing this with the world. It's okay. When I write it out like this I realize how silly it really is. Sometimes when it just swims around and around in my head so long it just gets bigger and bigger. I don't have low self-esteem. I feel pretty good about myself, in general. I have had so many health problems in the past, that I truly do understand that having a healthy body is more important than having a hot body.

My life's experiences really have taught me a lot. I look forward to helping my own daughter to have a positive self-image. It's just that every once in awhile (and more often after pregnancy), my inner teenager shows up and starts messing with me. I'm sure I'm not the only one. It seems like, as women, we are doomed to the pitfalls of worrying about weight, worrying about beauty, worrying about aging, etc. I just hope that I can find that place where I can see the big picture more easily--reconcile my beauty and worth as a daughter of God, and a mother of 3 amazing souls, to how I feel about myself on a daily basis. I wish I could have more righteous priorities, and not waste my energies on thinking about how big my nose is (something over which I ultimately have no control) or what else I can do to finally be "pretty."

It's definitely worse postpartum. I bet a good night's sleep makes everyone not only feel, but actually look more beautiful! =)

For Nick

2008-12-26T13:27:00.007-07:00

My #2 child has been swinging back and forth between the funniest, cutest little angel to a screaming, tantrum-throwing, waking up in the middle of the night, little devil. It's either his age (2, of course) or his adjustment to new baby. Either way, it's quite an adventure. He totally cracks me up and totally makes me crazy, depending on the day. So, here are a few good ones of the little devil (or angel.

He fell asleep like this. Awesome!

He insists on wearing his hoodie and beanie to bed most nights now.

Don't you just want to eat them up after they take a bath! They are so clean, sweet-smelling, and their faces are booger-free!

It ain't easy being a middle child. (I know.) Nick is so hilarious, and smart, and determined! I'm sure he just needs attention. Someday, I'll have more time to devote to him. . . .right?

MY TURN!!!

2008-12-19T22:12:00.002-07:00

I may never be able to blog again. My 2-year-old is completely obsessed with playing computer games. Yes, he's only 2 and he loves the computer--what is the world coming to! So he wants to be on it all the time. Whenever I try to be on it he throws a huge fit or he climbs on my lap while I'm typing and gets in my face. Naturally, since the little guy discovered the computer, my 4 year old suddenly has a desperate desire to play on it which causes constant fights over, "It's my turn", "No, it's my turn." The only way to stop the insanity or to limit their computer time is to just turn the damn thing off completely! So, here I am, up way later than I want to be (10:15pm--pitiful I know), just so that I can have some "me" time. This is more like a journal entry blog--just the musings of Tiffany.

I need to publicly apologize to anyone (mostly my older sister) whom I have ever judged for having what I deemed a messy home. I'm suddenly so humbled because I suddenly realize how it gets that way. There are some people who genuinely don't care and don't even try to clean. . .but, I would bet that most women want a clean home and it just gets so stinkin' hard to keep it clean once you have more than 1 child. Housekeeping feels like a hamster wheel--running, running, exerting so much energy, never getting anywhere. My house is even quite small, and the more stuff we cram in here the messier it seems. It is so cluttered it just never seems clean to me. I also hate leaving dirty dishes in the sink at night because then you wake up to a stinky kitchen, and then it seems to make the whole house smell bad, and then it takes a lot of concerted effort to make the house smell decent again. And. . .I swear there have been very few nights lately when I didn't leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight. (Probably only the nights that we went out to dinner.)

Sometimes I just feel like I am working all day long cleaning, doing laundry, meal preparation, feeding the baby and when my husband walks through the door at 6pm it probably looks like nothing has been accomplished. (Luckily, I am blessed with a man who doesn't comment about it, even if he does think that.)

The moral of the story is twofold--first, humility, the older I get the more children and life experiences I have, the less judgmental I am. Secondly, is, a plea for mercy-if you ever come over to my house and it smells bad, or you see me in public in sweats without makeup, or my children come to church with dried boogers on their faces and teeth not brushed-please don't judge me harshly. I really am working my butt off to keep everything together. And truth be told, sometimes I don't try at all because I'm just too tired to care!

CAVEAT:
**My husband doesn't let me complain, he believes that it only attracts more negativity to you. So, if you want things to be wonderful, you have to speak as though they are wonderful. So since I just complained a lot, I have to balance it with some positives:
*Ruby is smiling so much and cooing more and more. She's adorable.
*We are so blessed that we can afford a nice (yet modest) Christmas for our kids.
*Michael still has a job in this troubled economy, and I can stay at home.
*I only have about 10lbs left of baby weight to lose. (Although, I'd really like to lose 20 lbs to be back to my 25-year-old, pre-children weight!)
*I have a nice home (even though I want a bigger one because I am selfish and shallow), but it is warm and filled with love and laughter.

Does that count as some good positivity! Will that keep the universe balanced in my favor. Because I gotta tell you, sometimes I just want to vent and complain and feel sorry for myself but I don't want to be consumed by it.

SHOUT OUT:
Something else I've been thinking about. . .and I have to hurry and fit it all in now because I may never get another turn on the computer again. . .is how many cool women I've been getting to know lately. Although, the sad truth is, that most of my friendships lately consist of reading their blogs and sometimes posting a comment.

I especially want to shout out to the women of the Orchard Ward. I've been in this ward for 2 years and I'm just really now starting to feel really attached and a part of this ward. There are so many of the women whom I think are so cool and I'd love to get to know them better. I'd love to be "friends" with them. But, I mean, how as a grown up mother of 3 do I make new friends?

Back in my youth, I usually bonded to my friends in one of 3 ways--
1)We would have some really long, late into the night, deep, philosophical discussion about love, life, womanhood, and the pursuit of happiness, that sort of thing.
2)If I thought you had friendship potential I would invite you to go dancing with me--your ability to keep up with me, and avoid the advances of overly anxious guys who were looking for something to grind up against would be your test.
3)We would go out to eat. Naturally.

I'm not really sure how to be friends with new women. I rarely spend time with the friends I've had for years, I rarely spend time with one of my sisters, and yet I hate feeling isolated and homebound. (My anti-social husband doesn't help the situation.)

So, to all the great women, particularly those of you in my ward, consider a blog comment or a post on your Facebook wall as a gesture of friendship. I read your blogs and follow your lives. . .so I guess that's the way I can have some sense of friendship now that I've got 3 kids and no dancing skills!

There's Something About Ruby

2008-12-11T11:00:00.003-07:00

There have been a lot of cute pictures taken of my kids in their little lifetimes. (My first child has about 5 times more pictures of him than any of my subsequent kids.) But, I got Ruby's portraits done this past week. . .and it changed me forever! My boys are cute, but this little girl melted my heart in a way I have never experienced. There's just something about my little red gem in her little red dress! I love having a daughter.

Yes, of course, she needed a red dress--her name is Ruby! This will be her blessing dress. (I've never been one for the standard white blessing outfits.) And speaking of the name Ruby. I have a complaint! When I looked at the SS name index to pick a name, "Ruby" was ranked like 157th in 2007. I thought I was picking a name that was classic, timeless, and NOT TRENDY! But, since she has been born I have heard of 3 people who have named their newborn girls "Ruby" within the last 2 months. I'm going to be very disappointed if it suddenly becomes very popular and trendy. It is completely beyond my control. My sister said that has happened to her 3 times with the names she picked for her girls. One of her daughter's is named Giselle. . .she was born over 3 years ago and it seemed like a completely obscure, even weird, name back then. Then the movie "Enchanted" comes out, and suddenly we're hearing of babies being named "Giselle" a lot these days.

I guess it's not too late to change Ruby's name. She's only 2 months old, and we haven't even blessed her yet. I could pick Gertrude or Bertha--I'm pretty sure those names won't get trendy. Just kidding! I'm too in love with the name Ruby, it was meant for my girl! Even if there will be 5 Ruby's in her kindergarten class. . . .there will ever only be one her!

BFF's

2008-12-02T12:34:00.006-07:00

When you were a little kid did you and your best friend talk about what you hoped it would be like when you grew up? The two of you planned to marry twin brothers, live next door to each other, have kids the same ages who would also be best friends. Well, me and my best friend, Sheree (my friend for going on 20 years) have inadvertently coordinated our lives so well that it is comical!

We both just had our first daughters, Ruby and Jordyn. The two babies were born 5 days apart. We have matching outfits for them, so we had to dress them up and take a picture of them together. Sheree's baby, Jordyn, is probably at least 2 lbs. bigger than Ruby--but, Ruby is 5 days older!

Sheree and I also each have 2 sons ages, 2 and 4. Our first babies were also born 5 days apart. Both times this has happened Sheree was due 2 weeks before me. . .but, both times I beat her by 5 days! Here is a picture of Gavin and Ashton (our first babies) at about 5 months old.
Our second children, Nick and Ty, were born 6 months apart. So, even with those two our pregnancies overlapped a little bit. But, we have never, ever, ever planned our pregnancies together. We've never even consulted about it. We've never even said, "I'm thinking about getting pregnant." None of that! We've had babies 5 days apart TWICE. . .and it has been perfectly accidental.

We even lived across the street from each other for almost 3 years while I was living in my parents' house during their mission. That was completely unplanned, too. Now, I have moved--but only about 6 blocks away.

Unfortunately, I still don't see her nearly as much as I would like to. Despite our perfect coordination, there are things you really can't plan or control. Like, our husbands. They are not twin brothers, in fact, they're not even friends. When we were first married we tried to get them to hang out and be friends, but you just can't force those things.

Now that our boys are getting older, we're realizing that you can't necessarily force your kids to be best friends either. Ashton and Gavin are dispositioned very differently, so they don't always get along. Ashton always wants to tackle and wrestle. . .and Gavin is just not down with that!

But, I feel so blessed to still be such good friends with Sheree after so many years. She and I have always been very different, and yet somehow managed to be YIN and YANG and benefit each other with our individual strengths. At this point in our life, she and I have so much in common it is easy to be friends. Especially these last 7 weeks, we have commiserated with all of our postpartum struggles--sleep deprivation, sore breasts, juggling 3 children, etc. I don't even have to make excuses or try to be positive. . .I can say nothing, and just cry, and she completely understands!

The only bad thing about our friendship, is that we don't get to hang out together enough--especially without our children! I told her someday, when we're done having babies, and our kids are older, she and I will go on a cruise--just the two of us.

And wouldn't it be amazing if Ruby and Jordyn really could be BFF's from birth?

Your blogs

2008-11-23T20:19:00.002-07:00

Obviously, I changed my format. I was just bored and wanted to mess around, but didn't have anything interesting enough to write a post about. Well, anyway, I lost all of my blog links. I added the ones I could remember off the top of my head. So, everyone visiting please leave me a comment so I can get the link to your blog.

To the 3rd Power

2008-11-17T13:02:00.006-07:00

I have definitely been slacking on my blogging because I am still trying to master the adjustment to having a 3rd child. It is more than just children X 3. . .it is chaos X 3. . .it is laundry X 3. . .it is stuff X 3. . .demands X 3. . .food X 3 (they never seem to stop eating.) So, my life has been turned upside down and I feel like it is more than just everything X 3. . .it is actually exponentially increasing my workload and my stress and my exhaustion. . .hence it is life to the 3rd power!

First things first. Here are a few pics of Ruby Doobie (as the kids call her.)

My little pea in her pod.

Am I mean because I think this crying picture is cute. She actually doesn't cry very much (except at 3am.)

Ready for church.

Ruby is doing well. I am having the typical struggles with a newborn. She eats all the time and doesn't sleep well at night. I always stress about nursing and wonder if my babies are getting enough to eat because they are so small and don't grow very quickly. But, I think I've finally mastered it (on my 3rd child.) Although, I can't guarantee I'll stay exclusively nursing once she can hold her own bottle. . .it's just too tempting to give her a bottle and free myself up.

The boys are adjusting really well (including Mike.) Gavin is proud of his new position as Mom's Best Helper. He really is so helpful and obedient. He asks me just about everyday, "Mom, am I your best helper? Better than Nick?" Yes, Gavin. Except yesterday he said, "Mom, you really should pay me for being such a good helper. Give me your quarters and dollars." We might need to have a talk about true service.

Nick is delightful and hilarious. He has gotten so good at entertaining himself (because he has been neglected by me for months now.) Just today he was playing with a long piece of string that could turn into a space shuttle, a gate, and a waterfall. so imaginative! He's already adapting to his place as middle child. For the sake of journaling, not bragging, I must also mention that he can recognize all of his ABC's, numbers, a few shapes, and about 6 colors. Brilliant child! I totally can't take credit for his acquisition of so much knowledge at such a young age, because like I said before, he's been neglected for awhile. He is just drawn to all the stuff that Gavin's been learning and doing. My favorite little Nick phrase is "No pwobwem (No problem.)" Instead of saying "okay" or "yes", he will say "No pwobwem!" I love it!

It is good for me to write these little anecdotes about my cute kids. My husband pointed out to me that I have been talking so negatively lately, like everything is terrible. And, in actuality, nothing is bad except my nights without sleep. Mike and I are both so much busier with taking care of kids, but he said, "I kind of expected that would happen with a third kid." Well, duh, why hadn't I been looking at it that way. I am truly blessed to have 3 healthy, happy, smart, adorable, beautiful children. I'm so glad I have a husband who is willing to step up and help me with everything that needs to be done (except laundry because he doesn't know how to use our front loader.)

Alright, so here is where I will stop. . . . . .inhale. . . . .exhale. And once again remind myself that these kids will grow up so quickly. I don't want to just white-knuckle my way through their early years. I want to stop, watch, laugh, enjoy, and burn the images into my memory of these delightful little souls exploring the world.

If you have more than 3 kids you are probably laughing at me. If you have less than 3, I hope I have not discouraged anyone. In the words of Garth Brooks, "Even at the worst, it ain't that bad!"

My McDreamy

2008-11-05T19:22:00.003-07:00

I have been making my husband grow out his hair for the last few weeks and I have to say I really love it! He is so blessed to have such a gorgeous, full head of hair. It takes a very special head of hair to pull off the "McDreamy" and my man can! It still needs to grow out a little more on the top, but it should only take a few weeks to reach its full potential. So sexy! For those of you who don't watch Grey's Anatomy and you don't know what I am referring to when I say "McDreamy" hair. Here is my inspiration:

I love that Michael is secure enough in his manhood to rock some product in his hair. I mean, the key to McDreamy hair is all in the styling and products! Oh yes, and a big shout out to Stephanie his stylist. Yes, he officially has a "stylist." Sorry but Fantastic Sam's just won't cut it when your wife has such lofty ambitions for your hair.

I love that my man is willing to humor me. My mom doesn't like it very much. She thinks that Janey makes her husband grow his hair out too long, and pretty soon she will probably think Mike's hair is too long. I guess that's just the Former Mission President's wife in her. She wants her sons to look like missionaries! But, I think Mike's hair is sexy and yet still professional and priesthood-holder appropriate!

The Primary Program

2008-10-26T19:31:00.003-06:00

I have been looking forward to having a Sunbeam in the Primary program for years!!! So, today my Gavin had his debut in a Primary program. I just had a baby two weeks ago, but I did not want to miss it. So, I actually got myself and Miss Ruby ready and to church by 9am. That was no easy feat, and I did not feel great doing it, but I just couldn't wait to see Gavin in the program. He knows the words to almost all of the songs for the program, so I was hoping he would sing his little heart out.

So, here's the reality of how things went down.
First, my sweet, little Sunbeam spends the whole program crying. I don't even know why. He stayed on the stand, but just kept crying. He would stop crying long enough to sing the songs, but whenever they would sing a song, there were older kids standing in front of the stand completely obstructing my view of Gavin. Honestly, I couldn't see him at all! The adorable Sunbeam I've been dreaming of for years couldn't even be seen. When I could see him he was crying his little eyes out. I couldn't believe that I actually got up and put makeup on for that!
But, it gets better (or worse):
So, Nick was having a "day." He totally flips out with excitement when I come into church with Ruby. He is like climbing on me, climbing on her carseat, beside himself trying to get to her. It was like a wrestling match trying to keep him off of her in that little pew. He was also so excited to see Gavin on the stand. So, he kept standing up yelling, "Hi Gavin!" Then, he stands up on Mike's legs puts his arms out and yells, "Superman!"
Nick, then decides he wants to be with the other kids. So, he walks up to the front gives our neighbor kid a high 5. . .and turns around and yells, "Hey Mommy wave at me!" Then, he starts running all around the chapel. I had to take him to the hall after that and he never stopped pitching a huge fit until after the program was done.

So, thus ends my first Primary program with my child in it. I'm so disappointed. It was such an exhausting blur. I'm definitely going to have to skip church next week to compensate!

Two Weeks

2008-10-23T20:50:00.007-06:00

Ruby is 2 weeks old now. I'm just so darn tired. I haven't written anything on the blog for nearly 2 weeks, also, because I am so darn tired. Ruby is an angel who sleeps most of the time. I have had tons of help with my boys. So, I have had lots of time to rest and yet I am so darn tired.

So, until I can be a little more clever, or at least a little more coherent--I will have to make this a purely pictorial post. So, here are some pictures of my little "gem."

The Agony & The Ecstasy

2008-10-11T15:52:00.014-06:00

The Ecstasy:

Ruby Elizabeth Wilson came into the world on Wednesday, Oct. 8th at 5:07AM! She weighed 6lbs 9oz, 18 inches long, and much to my surprise, she was born with a head full of brown hair! She is beautiful and angelic and her brothers just want to hold her and kiss her all the time.

The Agony:

For those of you who like to hear all the miserable details of labor and delivery, I will recount them now. For any of you who read my previous blog entry, you know that I've been feeling miserable and especially anxious for the last week. My due date wasn't until October 23rd, but both of my boys were 2 weeks early. . .and I just knew it was getting really close. My body was so ready. My doctor has been telling me for more than a week that I was getting so close and progressing so well. . .which actually made things seem slower.

Anyway, at my 38 week appointment on Tuesday, the doctor tells me that he doesn't think I'll make it to my next appointment. He says I am so close and he decides to go ahead and strip my membranes. For any of you who have experienced that, it is miserable. I felt horrible the rest of the day. I felt nauseous and was having really severe contractions. As yucky as I felt, I got anxious and thought I was having some progress. So, my Mom and I decided to go walking up by Bridal Veil falls to help send me over the edge. Well, during my walk I actually felt much better and stopped having contractions. Darn it. I went to bed without any contractions.

At 3AM the following morning (Wednesday), I suddenly wake up because I think my water broke. It was just a little bit, I wasn't even sure what had happened. I didn't even feel any contractions. . . .and then it hit me! It all progressed so quickly. I was just going to wait and hang out as long as I could stand it. I hadn't even awakened Michael at this point. But, then it started happening so quickly that I had to act fast. I packed my bags, called my Mom to come over, woke up Michael, and headed off to the hospital by 4AM. I let Michael stop at Walker's to get a drink, I thought we had plenty of time (my labor with my last child lasted like 15 hours), but by the time we got to the hospital, which is like 8 mins away, I was screaming in pain. The contractions were so fast and long and horrible. It seemed to take forever for them to assess me and decide I was actually in labor. Come on people I need drugs!!! It was getting to be unlike any labor I had ever before experienced. It was horrible! I was screaming and crying and the nurses had to teach me how to breathe, even how to scream. (Apparently you are supposed scream at a low pitch, and grunt, rather than high pitched squealing.) So, the anesthesiologist comes to give me my epidural, and I was shaking so hard and crying and the nurse had to teach me some lamaze breathing technique so that I wouldn't bear down too soon. Well, in the process of prepping me for the epidural they realize that the baby was coming out and I did not have time for an epidural. So he decides to give me a spinal block as quickly as possible. Even though it was happening so quickly, there was no way in hell I wanted to do it naturally. Before my legs were even completely numb, I was pushing the baby out. (My doctor didn't even have time to get to the hospital.) The baby's heart rate started dropping, so they just had me push nonstop as hard as I could. The doctor called for forceps. . .that freaked me out, so I pushed my little guts out and she finally popped out! (Forceps weren't needed afterall, but I did have a major episiotomy.) I had pushed for less than 5 minutes--about 55 minutes less than my previous baby. It was crazy and awesome!

I actually consider it a much harder and more painful labor than anything I had ever before experienced, but it went so fast! It kind of left me and Michael both in shock. We were like, "Seriously, that's it? We did it?" And yes, there are many who might say, "You could've done it naturally. The drugs only worked for the last 10 minutes." But, that spinal block was like a gift from God. I shudder to think of what it might have been like to do it "naturally." I experienced more labor than I'd ever intended to. I can not believe that women have done this "naturally" every day since the dawn of time.

So that was my agony. I thought it was frightening and awful, and I behaved like a deranged lunatic. But, you just can't beat a two-hour from start to finish labor and delivery. Ruby and I both came through it healthy and happy.

She is so tiny, even her newborn size clothes don't fit.
This one looks a lot like baby pictures of me. Her hair almost looks red in this picture, too.
They never leave this poor kid alone. She has already been smooshed, smashed, poked, licked, nearly stepped on, etc. . . But, someday they will be the ones protecting her!

P.S. For those of you who participated in my blog poll "Vanessa vs. Natalie"--I apologize that your input was not needed or even considered. The name Ruby just kind of hit me a week or so ago, and I fell more in love with it every day.

More Talking, No Pictures

2008-10-03T17:52:00.002-06:00

So, my efforts to document my cute children's adventures and post more pictures of them and to talk less about myself didn't last very long. They are cute, I even took pictures of them on Gavin's little field trip yesterday, and yet all I really feel like doing is talking.

It is really, impossibly hard for me to think of anything else right now other than getting this baby out! Technically my due date isn't until the 23rd, but I think it really needs to happen this weekend. My other babies were two weeks early, so I figure I'm close enough. Next weekened is extremely inconvenient for everyone in my extended family (whom I need to care for my boys), and Michael really doesn't want to have a baby in the middle of the week. I do not think I can last much longer. I feel like I'm going crazy inside this oh-so-uncomfortable body of mine. I'm having constant contractions. . .but, they say that can go on for weeks! Seriously?!?!

How can I make time go by faster? Every day has slowed to a crawl. The nights are long too because I wake up constantly in pain, or to go potty, and can't get back to sleep. I need something to look forward to each day. But, I just feel like I'm waiting, waiting, wondering, waiting. It is starting to cause me a lot of anxiety.

I'm sure I must have felt like this with each of my pregnancies, but I can't remember it. Right now it seems like this is the absolute worst it has ever been--the most pain, the most contractions, the most restlessnes, the slowest days in the history of the world.

I guess I can't complain. I don't know how women must feel who have gone over their due date. I've never even made it to 39 weeks before. It just seems unbearable to actually make it to my due date right now. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Any suggestions, anyone?????

McDonald's

2008-09-19T13:20:00.006-06:00

I swear we do not eat at McDonald's that often. Okay, we do eat fast food more than I wish we did. . .but, I didn't realize how prominent a role McDonald's was playing in my kids' life until my 2 year old turned over my laundry basket and turned it into the McDonald's checkout counter. He came up with this all on his own.

First he took the order. It always had to be "chicken nuggets, fries, and chocolate milk."

Next, he swipes Dad's credit card.

Then, he picks up the food from the side.

Finally, he gives Dad his order.

I actually found it a little disturbing how well he knew the "drill." Such a terrible reflection on me. But, it was really cute and very imaginative. I was impressed!

Less Talking, More Pictures

2008-09-13T12:59:00.014-06:00

Is a blog more of a journal or a scrapbook? That is my dilemma. I spend a lot of time talking about myself, my thoughts and feelings, and probably need to focus a little bit more on the real stars of my show--my kids! I do enjoy writing and "waxing verbose" about a lot of things, so that will inevitably continue. But, at least today, I'm just going to show off some fun stuff!
Gavin's first day of school. It's not exactly a milestone, since it's just another year of preschool. He even has the same teacher again this year. But, nontheless, he was very excited! His preschool is now at the new PG Rec Center which is only about 3 blocks from our house. So, I walk him to and from school everyday. And yes, even 3 blocks sends me into contractions!

Now for some pictures from some of our end of the summer mountain adventures. The big boys--Daddy, Gavin, Uncle Brian, and cousin Oakley--braved the cold and snow on Labor Day to go jeepin' through the mountains! Crazy! They felt so manly that they had to go Cabela's aftwards and eat Buffalo and elk meat.

Me and Jessica wouldn't venture to the mountains until it was at least 25 degrees warmer. So, we took everyone last weekend for a picnic and to let all the kids take turns going on jeep rides with Mike. It was so fun, but you can definitely feel Fall in the air up the canyon. I hope we can squeeze one more "adventure" in before it gets too cold.

THIRTY

2008-09-10T13:31:00.002-06:00

My husband says that I'm only as old as I feel and that I am making myself old by feeling old! It's not that I feel old, per se, although being 30 and 8 months pregnant does sort of make me feel like my body is falling apart never to be the same again, but it is that there is something really odd about crossing that threshold into 30!

I actually love everything about being 30. I like who I am now so much better than at any previous age. I would never, ever want to go back to 20. I think, for the most part, I am exactly where I wanted to be by now--great husband, 2.5 kids, a nice home, my dream job (SAHM), the only thing is that I do not have my college degree. (But, there's plenty of time for that.)

The weird thing about being 30 is that it's the official entry into complete adulthood. I'm no longer a peer to the 20-somethings. All of the college students are so much younger than me, the hottest pop stars and actresses are younger than me, 1/2 of the news reporters on local news are now younger than me, and everyone on reality TV shows (America's Next Top Model and such) seem like bratty little kids to me.

It's just weird! It's weird that I've had some friends for 20 years or more. It's weird that this is the 4th presidential election that I have been of voting age. It's weird that I've worn the same shoe size for 15 years.

But, it's also awesome to have 30 years worth of a great life behind me! My heart and mind are so full of happy memories, funny memories, wisdom gained, lessons learned, life-changing events, and so much love and friendship and joy! I feel blessed to be healthy, I feel blessed to have an amazing husband (over 1/2 of my life was spent worrying I would never get married), and I'm so blessed to have healthy, smart, and extremely cute kids. (I'm sure I'm not the only person who ever hoped their kids would be not just healthy, but cute too!)

And last, and definitely least important, is that I'm better looking now than I was at 20, too! I hope I can say the same thing about 30 when I'm 40!

Cute Revisited

2008-08-30T21:02:00.002-06:00

I had to add this one to go with my last post:

Yesterday, I said "Nick, buddy, you've got diarrhea." Nick said, "I-Re-Ah? . . . .Ee, I, Ee I, Oh?"

Still laughing about that one!

Cute Stuff

2008-08-29T13:22:00.010-06:00

This is just an assortment of cute pics and funny stories that I want to remember.

Gavin said, "Mom I know you have a baby in your belly and that's why it is getting so big, but if Daddy doesn't have a baby, then why is his belly so big?"

Nicholas went to his 2-year well child appt., and the Doctor said that the only way I'll ever get this kid to eat is to get rid of the bottle. Believe me, I know this, I've just feared dealing with the hassle. So, the Doctor looked at Nick and said, "No more bottle, you're a big boy." So when we got home Nick threw away all his bottles and he hasn't had one in several days. Whenever he gets really tired, and I know he really wants his bottle, he'll start saying to himself, "Doctor said no more babas, I big boy!" He's being so brave. . .but it's working! Now, I don't know what I'll do when I have to get him to stop sucking his thumb!

These are cute pictures from a trip we took to the Hill AFB aerospace museum. My boys, especially Mike, loved it! It was a reward to my husband for going to our family reunion in Idaho. We got to eat at the Burger Bar (it was featured on the Food Network), and go to the museum. I believe in positive reinforcement for both children and husbands.

Therapy

2008-08-22T13:23:00.002-06:00

The last few days I have been thinking, okay obsessing, about something. It is starting to hurt my brain and hurt my heart. The more I obsess, the worse it seems to feel, and there is no easy or obvious solution. I thought about blogging about my "issue" in order to receive validation and support from all my girlfriends. I'm such a talker, I could just talk and talk about the same thing and rehash it a million different ways, but I've ultimately decided that I have to find a way to STOP obsessing, and hopefully stop hurting.

So, I've decided that I need to distract my brain. I do feel the need to have some kind of talk therapy, to cope with my overwhelming emotions, but I've got to approach it from a different angle. I'm going to spend a little time musing , so here goes. . .
I thought about "counting my blessings" and decided even that was a little too much to handle. So, I'm going to talk about random things I love, you know, like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, that sort of thing:
-Cherry Coke from Will's Pit Stop--I have tried just about every Cherry coke fountain drink in all of Utah County. I know exactly which gas stations have Cherry Coke. I have been a connosieur since high school, and Will's Pit Stop on University Ave has the best stuff.
-Taking trips to the dump. I just completely love getting rid of crap! It astounds me how much stuff we accumulate. My husband hangs on to the weirdest stuff. I just love cleaning up the yard, the garage, the storage and then just dumping it into a giant pile at the local landfill. It always makes me so full of gratitude that some people are willing to be garbage men and run the landfill. It really is such an integral part of modern society!
-Makeovers, especially with a dramatic change to my hairstyle!
-My husband's perfect eyebrows
-My kids' fake laughs--of course their genuine laughter is beautiful, but I love when they really ham it up just to humor me!
-Walking into my Mom's house--it always feels like home, as soon as I walk through the door, I feel like I can exhale for a moment, & dump some of my burdens on someone else a little.
-Good TV shows on DVD--just watching episode after episode for a few days straight.
-Songs that remind me of my days as a Dance Club Queen. Janey tries to get me to dance now, but I just feel so old and goofy. I'll be telling my children (and my husband) for years to come, "I used to be known for what a great dancer I was, I even won contests. I promise, I used to be so cool. "
-Sobbing, really letting go and letting it out. (I cry a lot, but I usually try to hold back and make it stop quickly.)
-Laughter through tears (that's from Steel Magnolias), such a girl thing. Men look at that and think we're schizophrenic!
-Tulips. . .I tried to grow some in my own yard and the deer ate them all as soon as they bloomed, it broke my heart.
-Compliments on my appearance. I mean, I love any kind of compliments, but the ones that appease my vanity are really delicious! As someone who has always felt uglier than my sisters, and my friends, it just thrills me to hear anything that implies that I'm pretty, sexy, or stylish! Pathetic, I know.
-Making out with my husband. Such a rarity! Sometimes I miss the days of courtship when we couldn't get enough of each other and we made out for hours.
-My kids accomplishing a task by themself for the first time. They are so proud!
-Actually doing those things on the "really-should-do" list, like exercising and reading my scriptures!

I could go on and on. I feel so much better already. It has been a fun distraction. For those of you who are reading, share one of your "favorite things" with me, it is therapeutic for me and you!

The Last Sha-Bang!

2008-08-21T15:57:00.013-06:00

So this is a post about our summer family reunion, which is a pretty common, even annual thing for a lot of families. But, for my family it is a pretty big deal. We don't see my extended family (my aunts and cousins) very often at all since our grandma died, most of them I haven't seen in years. So, it was really neat that several of my Idaho relatives made an effort to come down to the reunion for the day. I always love to show off my kids! It was really fun. . .and they all cook really well, so the food was great! But, it was also an amazing feat that we got the whole Top family, all of my siblings and their children, there too. This month has been so crazy, because Jessica (my oldest sister) just moved here a week ago with her 7 children. I just met her two adopted children from Africa for the first time, her husband is still on duty in Georgia, and they have been in-transit for like a month. So, despite her exhaustion, she stilled hauled all 7 kids up in her "Training School" van to the reunion in Downey, Idaho. It is also amazing that my brother (Justin) and his family came, because he just got back from being in Navy training for 3 months without his family, and then they were in the process of getting ready to move to Florida in like 5 days.

The most amazing appearance of all, was that I actually got my husband to come! He hates to crawl out from under his rock, leave the security of his DVR remote, and actually have to talk to people. . . .but, he was a SUPER star at the reunion! I couldn't have survived without him. Nick stayed within arm's reach of Dad at all times, because sometimes he gets really frustrated by being accosted by 6 little female cousins at one time!

(Chloe, Gavin, Gwynyth, & Sophia)

Gavin told me he likes hanging out with his oldest girl cousins best of all!

Gavin's first time ever roasting marshmallows! (I know, I'm such a poor excuse for a mother that it has taken 4 years. I'm just not a big camper.)

Gavin's first time eating a roasted marshmallow! Sorry, Janey, if you're still mad about all of the smores and marshmallows being gone by the time you got there, you have this culprit to blame!

We all let Don & Janey watch the kids, since they don't have any of their own yet. I hope it's not a deterrent to procreation! Here they are with 4 of Jessica's kids and 1 of mine. BTW, my sister Janey does not normally dress like a hooch, she just came from the water park.

We never got the kids altogether at once to take a picture. The reason this post is called the "Last Sha-Bang" is that it was a big party for all the cousins to be together before 3 of them (Justin's kids) move. It was a fun opportunity for everyone to get to know Jessica's new kids, Diamond and Florence better. We don't know when we will all be back together again. Hopefully sooner than later! Jessica will only live in Utah for 15 months, and then she's off to who-knows-where. So, this was a great way to end a great summer and the great, yet short, time we all got to spend together as a family this past week.

For those of you who are wondering, trying to keep track here is the count for the Top family:

Jessica--married to Brian Simons, 7 kids--Oakley, 11, Chloe, 10, Gwynyth, 8, Florence, 6, Sophia, 5, Diamond, 5, and Giselle, 3.

Justin--married to Katie Abbott--3 kids--Caleb, 5, Alyssa, 4, Elijah, 2.

Me--married to Mike Wilson--2 (almost 3) kids--Gavin, 4, Nick, 2, and due in October with a girl.

Janey--married to Don Kaufman--2 years of marriage, no children yet.

I love my whole family! Thank you everyone for coming. Thanks especially to Mom & Dad for putting it all together, doing all the cooking & cleaning, sleeping in the teepee with the kids, and footing the bill! I really did have a blast. . .and I'm so grateful for the memories my kids are making with their cousins.

Happy 2nd Birthday Nicholas

2008-08-14T10:44:00.012-06:00

I have to admit, when it comes to birthdays, I'm not exactly Super Mom or Holly Homemaker. I let the child choose the theme and then I order a cake from Wal-mart and I buy party favors from Zurchers. It doesn't really require much creativity on my part. But, I'm okay with it. I like to keep birthdays low maintenance, so I can still enjoy them too.

Well, this year Nick chose a "helicopter & airplane" theme, or as he says, "hairpains and hetotters." And, to my dismay, I couldn't find any store who had an airplane cake. So, my husband who is significantly more imaginative and creative than I am, decided to decorate the cake himself. (It was still a store bought cake, though.) He didn't just throw a couple plastic airplanes on it, like I would've done. . .he had to put them on wooden dowels so they were hovering and flying around the cake. He even had a space shuttle up past the moon. Very cute! It was fun to watch my husband get so excited about a kid's birthday, and Nick loved it! He already thinks his Daddy hung the moon. . .so this airplane cake just took Nick's admiration to a new level!

We had a little birthday party at my parents' house last Sunday, with all 11 of Nick's cousins from the Top side. I'm actually surprised he got to blow out his own candle. . .because all the kids were huddled right around the cake. And of course, after he blew out the candle, he said "again". . .so we lit the candle 2 more times so he could keep blowing it out.

Nick had much more interest in eating the cake this year than he did when he turned 1

Like vultures to carrion. . .so are children to birthday presents!

Last of all, I need to document some things about Nicholas at age 2:

He loves to sing and knows the words to at least 10 primary songs. But, his favorite song to sing is the "Any Hour Electric" radio jingle that Michael produced for his company. It is adorable to hear a 2 year old try to say, "Do you need an electrician?"

Nick's diet consists mostly of "cha chut" (chocolate) milk, "noo nos" (noodles), he will occasionally humor me by eating a baby carrot or part of an apple. But, for the most part he would rather not bother with food and subsist only on chocolate milk. At least he's not already drinking cherry coke, right?

His favorite toys are airplanes and helicopters, but he will also play dinosaurs, safari animals, and trains--whatever his older brother is into on any given day. Nick also likes to run around the house, roaring, pretending to be what he calls a "Scary Dino."

Nick adores Daddy above all else! I call him Mike's stalker. . .because the kid relentlessly follows Daddy around the house whenever he is home. Even after I was gone over the weekend--(the first time I've ever left Nick overnight)--as soon as I walked in the door, he came crying to me asking if I could get Daddy to hold him!

Nick is a delightful kid. He says, "thank you" and "your welcome" if you give him anything. He talks so much more than my firstborn did at this age. He really keeps us laughing! He is much more outgoing and more of a show-off than my shy, subdued Gavin. I love each of my kid's personalities and the little things that give them their distinctions, even at such a young age.

Nick has his moments, but I do not consider him a terrible two-year old (at least, not yet.) He is probably a little spoiled, but only because I am pregnant and tired and will do anything to make the screaming stop!! But, it will work out because he has a sweet and very loving disposition.

When each of my sons has turned 2, I suddenly realize that they are not babies anymore. They change so much in the first two years, it goes by so quickly. It is wonderful to watch them grow and learn and turn into little people, but it is also a good reminder to me to cherish every moment that they are little because it goes so fast. The first two years are unlike any other during the rest of our lives--it is truly amazing! I just need to remember how I feel right now when I have that tiny newborn baby keeping me up all night!

Ladies Night. . .Oh Whatta Night!

2008-08-12T14:26:00.007-06:00

This past weekend my very beautiful, very stylish, very talented, very sweet friends took me on an overnight "escape" just for the girls! They did it for me as sort of a Baby Shower Celebration. Also, since two of the girls are also pregnant right now, we know it will be YEARS before we are free enough to do it again! So, I just want to give a big shout out to my girlfriends of over 10 years--Allyson (West) Morris, Kacey (Robinson) Parker, and Meredith (Dodini) Hult! You guys are awesome! In our 5 hour long late-night conversation, I got to know and love each of you even more.
I'm so glad I get to call you my friends, and get to associate myself with such good-looking ladies!!!

The West family's Midway vacation home was our overnight accomodations! Thanks Allyson. . .sorry I accidentally woke you up at 7:30AM on your only chance to sleep in!

More talking & eating! And eating & talking!

My friends are so hot! You, too, can look like this with only one visit to Meredith's Makeup bar and esthetic spa--Visage in Pleasant Grove! (ha, ha. . .I told you I would post this, Mer.)

Oh yeah, besides eating & talking there was lots of laughing! Laughing, laughing, and more laughing at our very open, very amusing discussions about SEX!!

After 3 hours of shopping at the Park City outlets, we ended our retreat with a group pedicure session! It was so awesome for my poor, aching, swollen pregnant feet! And I'm so glad my toenails are now painted because I can not reach them anymore!!

Last of all, my overwhelming gratitude for the weekend my friends put together--which gave me so much fun, laughter, relaxation, rejuvenation, and a broken budget spent on Baby Girl clothes--I want to write a little something about why each one of these women means so much to me!

Allyson--I love you for your openness, your willingness to speak bluntly about anything, yet as the years go by you have grown so much and become even more sensitive and thoughtful. You have always made me feel (even in high school) like I'm even prettier and cooler than I think I am!

(And you are especially awesome for standing in a long line to get me a PB cookie, so I could sit on my tired, oversized, pregnant behind! )

Kacey--You are always so kind and positive and encouraging. I don't think in the 11+ years I have known you that you have ever said anything harsh to me, or anything that has hurt my feelings, or been at all derogatory. You and I have never even been in a fight! (Although I did used to get mad at you for being too lazy at basketball practice.) You have become even more beautiful as you've become a mommy! Saylor is the cutest little accessory you've ever had!

Meredith--You are so courageous and confident, and you've always tried to encourage me to be as well. I admire your attitude and that you have gone after what you want while still being a good, involved Mommy! Most of all, more than your successes, I have admired your patience and determination during your trials and failures. I'm so glad that you have let me see the side of you that has struggled and been open about your shortcomings, otherwise I might think you were way too super awesome and perfect to hang out with lil' ol' me!

I love you all! You are each an example and inspiration to me in different ways! I honestly don't know what I would do without good girl friends. . .who still love me, eve if I don't call them for 3 months. I can't wait for the next Ladies Night Retreat. . .even if it does take another 2 years.

My Very Own Superhero

2008-08-11T15:44:00.013-06:00

Gavin has never been into Batman or Superman or any specific superhero, but he is still a little boy who knows how to turn Mommy's gold headband into a mask. . .and suddenly transform into a fast-flying, bad guy fighting, Super Gavin!

Mike had to make him a real mask, because Mommy's headband hurt a little too much. Super Hero costumes aren't always comfortable or practical!

Gavin had his little brother and several neighbor kids cheering as he "flew" through our backyard. He was taking it so seriously, making his "Super G" face. Now all of his friends want him to dress up as "Super G" all the time.

Super G saves the city!

Wilson Look-alike Meter

2008-08-03T15:35:00.001-06:00

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

Wilson Look-alike Meter

2008-08-03T15:33:00.001-06:00

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Family name origins - Blank family tree

Soccer: The Logical Choice

2008-07-30T15:52:00.006-06:00

So, I am officially a "Soccer Mom!" Gavin had his first ever soccer game on Saturday, and my heart nearly burst because it was so cute! Ever since Gavin was born we said that there might be activities that could be challenging for a one-handed kid (ie. monkey bars, tying shoelaces) but that soccer definitely wouldn't be a problem!! And this is his first attempt.

I fully believe that Gavin will be able to do anything he wants to do and play any sport he wants to, regardless of limb deficiency, but I encouraged soccer over t-ball because I really don't like baseball. It has nothing to do with his hand and everything to do with my sports preferences!

So, the first game was really cute. I quickly discovered that Gavin is not an aggressive competitor. He's actually very naturally athletic--he can run really fast and kick pretty hard--but he lacks that "eye of the tiger." He sort of just ran around the field gleefully, just happy to be there, and would stop and say, "HI MOM!" everytime he ran by me. It was adorable!

In soccer, there's not much turn-taking. Whoever goes and gets the ball gets the chance to kick it, so Gavin got a little discouraged when his own teammates pushed him out of the way to get to the ball. I tried to tell him that it was okay to get in there and try to kick it, but I guess I should be glad that his concepts of appropriate play (no hitting, no pushing, and turn-taking) carried onto the soccer field.

We'll see if he becomes more of a competitor as he starts to learn more about the game and what he's supposed to be doing. I tried to tell him about defense, but that's kind of an advanced concept for a 4-year-old who just really wants to kick that ball into the goal.

As he gets older, and especially if he plays basketball, I will have to fight my tendency to be a competitive, sideline coaching, sports Mom. But, for now, I am just so proud of him for getting out there on the field and being unafraid to try! There were lots of kids who left the field, either from boredom or discouragement of not getting the ball. But, my little Gavin just kept running with a smile on his face the whole time!

The first time Gavin even attempted to kick the ball, during warm-ups, he fell flat on his behind! But it actually made for a really cool action shot!